Hold Me Close

some death, no death

After calling my sister on me, Mapi leaves to hurry Ingrid along so that they aren't late for training, seeing as her girlfriend gets coffee on the way there every morning. Head hanging in shame, I sit on my sofa, letting Jaimie hiss about bravery and blindness and cowardice. It goes in one ear and out the other, naturally. I don't really give a fuck about what she has to say. I know that I hate Alexia, and Alexia hates me. That doesn't change just because she also would like to kiss me. And it certainly isn't affected by how I would like to kiss her too.

"Why are you so miserable today?" Talia complains as I skip the fifth song in a row she has put on. "It is sunny and it is warm and it is a good day to play football." She presses play on a song that makes me jump. "Ah. Alexia."

I want to hit my head against the steering wheel. Fed-up, I give her what she wants. "Yes, Alexia." She changes the music to something that isn't Rosalía, seeming equally relieved to not have it playing anymore.

"I saw her this morning with a matching face to yours." I assume Mapi called Alba, too. Recently, I found out that Alexia's sister has had a girlfriend all along, which is leading me to believe that Alexia kissing me at Mapi's party didn't come from nowhere, but I think I am being dramatic and it truly was a mistake. "So, what? Did you fight? She was in your home last night. I saw."

Attempting to not shout at her with horror, I focus on the road for a moment, taking in a deep breath. We are almost at the training centre. "How? Why do you even care?"

"Because I... wanted to know if I am right," she confesses with a tinge of guilt in her tone, not able to look at me.

I am intrigued. "About what?" I ask.

"That she is your girlfriend!" And I swear FC Barcelona Femení almost loses two of its new players there and then, because what the fuck is going on in Talia's mind? "¡Joder! ¡No me mates, por favor!"

"Well don't say stupid things then!" I screech back, just as terrified about how I swerved on foreign roads as she is. Taking a few deep breaths to reassure myself that I know how to drive, I glance at the terrified woman beside me. "Jesus fucking Christ, Talia. You are insane."

She scratches her head, confused. "But Salma said to me that you are together? And you always look at her like you are in love?"

"I don't know what you are talking about," I scoff, parking the car next to Lucy Bronze's Cupra. Said woman gets out of the car as I pull up, almost whacking the door into Talia's side. It has been an eventful car journey. So unnecessarily eventful that Talia and I are both quick to hop out. I hand her her kitbag and she tells me that she is going to go with Salma and Vicky to look for a sock she left lying around a few days ago. Finding that to be typical of her, I resign to socialising with someone else. "Alright, see you later. Make sure you check in the showers."

"Sí, adiós." She smiles as she scurries off. I shake my entire body, embarrassed at how motherly that felt. I'm only twenty-five.

"Mornin'," Lucy chirps as she sidles up to me, nudging my hip with her own. "That's so unfair, you know. I couldn't sleep last night with Kei pacing up and down the bedroom for no reason. Some of us need rest after games." I stare at her, puzzled. "Fleur, you look as if you have had five days of straight sleep. Tell me your secrets."

I realise that Talia has wiped my misery from my face and I have forgotten to put it back on. It's true that I slept well next to (possibly on top of) Alexia, but I didn't think it would be noticeable. I usually look this relaxed, don't I?

"I closed my eyes," I reply as plainly as my voice will allow. "Do you think this will be another captain-led recovery, or will they let the physios do their jobs this time?"