Hold Me Close

if only the lift had come

By the time I arrive, Mapi's party is in full swing. Her apartment is teeming with people. Half the building is in attendance, so she can blast her music as loud as the speakers will go, and the usual soft lighting of her apartment is replaced by disco LEDs. They have been flashing from red to green to blue for the last half an hour, changing the colour of my drink so I forget what, exactly, I am sipping. I can't remember how many I've had.

I find that a lot of people jump at the chance to talk to me. A few girls from other teams in the Spanish league are here, and so is the old Barcelona captain who now plays for Roma. She doesn't seem very annoyed about being knocked out by us, clearly proud of her old teammates. Vicky is what she introduces herself to me as. She says that Leila has told her all about me.

There are so many people that know who I am, but I don't recognise the majority of their faces, let alone know their positions and teams. I'm really bad at names. I have to hide in the kitchen as best as I can – Mapi's apartment is open-plan.

Bustling in with Irene behind her, Keira pours herself another drink. "How did you find yesterday?" she asks, having to shout over the clamour of Spanish people singing Spanish songs that neither of us can understand. I fold my arms over my stomach, skin sticky from how stuffy Mapi's is becoming. Keira also points out Lucy to me among the mass of dancing bodies. "She's Spanish now."

As I follow Keira's finger, I spot Mapi right where I should have expected her to be: beside Lucy, dancing. "Lucy and Mapi are dangerous when they're together." She waits for me to answer her question. I have to finish my drink before I can even think of what to say. "Yesterday was a lot," I decide on. "I'm working through it, still processing playing where she died."

"We're playing Chelsea again in the semis." It's unfortunate, but it somehow happened. "Excited to see everyone? I've heard you're not big on keeping in touch."

"I don't go on my phone much," I reply vaguely. I must have texted Sam and Erin a total of two times since my plane landed. "It's nothing personal." What usually happens, I've found, is that I am terrible at being apart from people. I get too attached too quickly, and then somehow forget about them the minute I'm somewhere else. Jaimie doesn't count because she would never let me do that to her, but Scarlett... She knew that I would go to Barcelona and everything would change. That's why she was adamant about me staying with her.

Irene, who is waiting for Keira, shouts at us to hurry up so we can go back to the party. I hadn't intended to make a return to the action so soon, but, before I know it, Keira and I have done a shot each and I'm holding an almost overflowing cup of vodka soda, weaving my way into the centre of the crowd.

Having danced with Mapi for a few songs, I claim I'm tired. A lot of eyes are on me as I take a seat on Mapi's sofa. I suppose this leaves me vulnerable for an eager friend of a friend of a friend to weasel her way into my bed for the night. I let my body relax, sprawling out with my empty cup in hand, sighing. Three different women are already on their way towards me.

"You are not a fan of parties?" I jump, drawing all my limbs back in. The woman next to me laughs. I crane my neck round to see her face. She looks oddly familiar. She's pretty. "Me neither."

"I don't believe that for one moment," I reply, smirking. She looks like she does this every week, with her glamorous makeup and well-chosen, tight dress. As I check her out, she shuffles closer to me. I open up my body more, displaying my stomach that is exposed by the cropped tank top I'm wearing. She doesn't even try to be subtle about examining what I have handed to her on a silver platter.

"You sound strange," she comments, smiling mischievously. "I sound Spanish, but you..."

"I'm Dutch. And Australian." The woman raises her eyebrows, pausing to work me out. Or to put two and two together.