Hold Me Close

(how to avoid) preseason

Talia creates tornadoes in various places as she boards her plane and enters a two hour radio silence.

In Barcelona, Alexia parts with her mother and sister, who are both outraged at the recent news, to hurry to Pina's flat. She's been broken up with. Over the phone.

Here, Leah Williamson is pacing around her living room with me sprawled out on her sofa, driving herself insane with newfound protectiveness over her teammate. "She's going to be alone in England," mutters the captain with her head in her hands. "The poor girl was assaulted and then banned from her home country, and we have put her up in a hotel in Borehamwood? Not even St. Albans. Borehamwood, Fleur!"

"It's a nicer hotel," I try to comfort her.

"When does her flight get in? We can pick her up. Or I can get Beth and Viv to... does she know Viv through you?" It's quite late and I doubt Viv or Beth want to drag themselves to the airport. "Nah, it should be us. I mean, I am an Arsenal player, and you're her friend already."

"I was hoping to sleep."

"She's practically a child. Can she speak English?" She walks back and forth until I stick my leg out to trip her up (and then quickly retract the obstacle once I remember why she wasn't at the World Cup). "She must be so scared."

"Talia's quite tough." She likes to throw herself into complicated situations, and she has gone through it for the past few months anyway. "I reckon she'll not want anyone to see her upset anyway. She's just broken up with her girlfriend, too."

"She what?!"

Okay, yeah, maybe that didn't help to ease Leah's panic.

"I don't know. Alexia thinks it has something to do with her 'lack of commitment'. She thinks her cousin is way too carefree, but I think she is just comparing her to how she was when she was her age, and well, you would've heard about how restrained Alexia Putellas can be." I find it adorable that Alexia takes herself so seriously, but I think that is only because I am not scared of her. "If you really insist, we can get her, but I don't think she'd want that." Leah's eyebrows furrow as if she thinks I am trying to isolate my friend. "I just... understand the position she is in, sort of. When I moved to Barça, it was a fresh start. The idea of having no prior connections or obligations was good. I could be someone new."

"Yeah, but you're still the same annoying Chelsea player you once were. Just in a different kit."

"I know, but the initial thing was that I wanted to be alone and mysterious and broody." Leah stops moving, standing still in the middle of her living room. "I'm just saying that Talia probably needs a moment to sort her head out. I'll text her tomorrow and see if she'd like to meet up or anything."

My sister's girlfriend, whose house I'm not entirely sure needed to be included on my mini-tour of England, hums in thought for a moment. She takes in the bags under my eyes and my far-too-comfortable position on the sofa. And she acquiesces.

Well, until the next day.

We forage out into the centre of St. Albans in case Talia is wandering around, much to my protest. Then, when we do not find her, I am roped into lunch with Arsenal girls of whom I don't really care about. And Viv!

"Coping?" she asks me quietly in Dutch when she catches my eye from the other end of the table. Viv is well aware of the pressure that has built up on me ever since her injury, and I am certain, from the slight red in her eyes, that she feels guilty about it. What was once a shared load became something I had to carry on my own.

"Coping," I confirm with a nod.

"Fleur, how's the documentary going?" asks one of the other girls, and I am pulled away from the ledge that would take me down to the feeling of defeat if I were to jump off it.