Flowers in the Darkest Parts: Bucky Barnes X OC

Solace

The weeks that follow are harder than I expect. Every morning I wake up and meet with Steve in the gym. It feels good to be regaining my strength, even if it's slowly. I have to check in with Bruce to make sure all my blood levels are normal and that they're staying normal. I pass all the tests and he says that I should be out of the woods.

I finally start to feel like myself again. That is, except for the fact that I can't stop thinking about Bucky. Every time I see him around the compound, I feel all the guilt piling up on me again. I keep replaying the conversation we had in my room after the boxing ring. I keep seeing the pain on his face as my words cut deep into him. It hurt me almost as much as it hurt him. I didn't want to hurt him, but I had to.

He steals glances at me, but doesn't speak a word. I wish he would stop avoiding me, but at the same time, it makes it easier. Deep down I know it's better this way. I have to keep telling myself that it's the only way.

I just really wish it wasn't.

It's evening and Steve, Bucky, Natasha, Tony, Clint and I mingle in the living room. Tony pulled out a variety of his expensive liquor and we all decided to sit down for a couple of drinks. I sit next to Natasha. She's been checking in on me since I woke up here at the compound. I learned that she was the one that put the clothes in my room for me, it was some of her stuff. She was also the one that had tracked down HYDRA's location to find me. She has a soft spot for Steve and I appreciate her for that. She also said that I remind her of her sister, stubborn and never willing to go down without a fight. I'd like to meet her sometime.

The evening turns to night and slowly people start making their way out of the living room back to their rooms. With the amount of drinks I've put down I should be passed out, but the hyper-metabolism from the Super Soldier serum just leaves me buzzing. It feels good to be able to relax a little, I needed it after this week.

My mind wanders and I have a hard time keeping my thoughts to myself. I turn to Natasha who's still next to me. "Why do you stay?"

She turns to face me. "What do you mean?"

"Why do you stay here at the compound?"

Her eyes study my face like she's trying to read my thoughts. "This is my home. These people are like family to me. They're really the only family I have."

This feeling of leaving the compound has been eating away at me for days. It's not that I don't love being here with Steve and the rest of them, it's the fact that if HYDRA wants me back, they will destroy anything in their way to get what they want. My biggest fear is HYDRA using their mind control tactics on me to use against them. I would never forgive myself if I'm the one that hurts them. I know that Steve and Bucky would put their lives on the line for me, and that's just something I can't let them do. I'm not worth that. Not at all.

But the feelings I've grown to know here are holding me in place. The feelings of belonging, of safety, of family. Seeing Steve again is the best thing I could ever dream of, and seeing Bucky again, I couldn't have imagined anything better. I would give anything for him to just hold me in his arms. Maybe he could if we lived different lives.

"Have you ever been in love, Nat?"

She blinks at me, then gives me a small smile. "Yes, but things didn't fall into place like I wanted them to. I'm still working on it."

"Do you think it's worth fighting for?"

There's a beat. "I think love is always worth fighting for." She turns her head and I follow her eyes to Bruce. Bucky is standing next to him and Clint at the table.

My cheeks pink up just seeing Bucky standing there. He smiles as he listens to Clint tell a story and I instantly want it to be me that he's smiling at.