was it ever real?

37. regret and guilt.

dad kisses my forehead and returns to his seat to continue the party. the music resumes and the kids get in line for him to cut the cake. while everyone's focused on getting cake, i slip through people to get to go after jamila.

"I'll be right back," i mention to vinnie as he stands in line for cake. he nods and continues to talk to aaron.

i search each and every room in the house until i find her outside on the porch, crying. she's sitting on the rocking chair, slouching and covering her silently sobbing face with her shaking hands.

"jamila.." i begin to speak, but can't continue because I'm unsure how to properly start.

"it was so embarrassing for him to do that in front of the whole family. he said all of that for a reason jen, to embarrass me. he's disappointed in me and makes it so clear." she sniffles.

"he makes it so clear that he's disappointed because i had a child with a guy at a young age and don't know if he's actually the father. it's true i don't have a college degree like you or a stable job like you but it isn't fair. i'm the older sister." she uncovers her face to glare at me. her mocha eyes barely blink and her brown cheeks are wet. her breath hiccupes when she attempts to speak, quickly licking her cracked lips and sniffling her runny nose.

"and...and the fucked up part of it all, i did all of this. i was the one that called everyone, i was the one that planned this party, i was the one that cooked, prepped, cleaned, and tried to make it all perfect. shit, i even ordered his favorite flavor of cake." she goes on to rant, "that doesn't excuse the fact that dad won't ever allow himself to say he's proud and thankful for me, and I'm tired of waiting for him to do it."

"jamila...I'm sure-" i reach out to rest my hand on her shoulder, but she jerks it away.

"and you." she shakes her head, trembling chin, eyes watering again. "he makes it so clear that you're his favorite. you're the ideal daughter he wants, not me. and that's because i remind him of mom too much."

"please don't bring her into this.." i sigh, but she keeps going because she's hurt and doesn't care.

"now that we're on the topic," jamila wipes her tears and tilts her head at the door. suddenly, dad's appears, standing behind the screen door looking at both of us. this fuels jamila even more, compelling her to go on with a sober look, "do you know what really happened to mom after she left?"

my heart drops.

"...what's she talking about?" my eyes fearfully dart at him, afraid he knows exactly what she's talking about. and he does. he won't even look in my direction. instead, he looks at jamila with so much regret and guilt.

"tell her dad. since you're so proud of her, you could at least tell her the truth."

finally, he walks onto the porch with the two of us and stands in silence for a few seconds. "...years after your mother left, she reached out to apologize and asked to see the both of you again...but i lied and told her she contacted the wrong person."

and just like that, my heart sinks further to my feet, my breath turns shallow, and my eyes flutter at an attempt to keep the tears away. my eyes don't water because they didn't tell me. they water because my entire life i've had so many questions for her that could've been answered this whole time.

jamila smirks, satisfied that the truth is out, but she isn't in the clear either. "...you knew? and you still didn't tell me either?"

my head tilts at her and I'm stunned. her smirk quickly fades, but she doesn't say anything. dad's also too dumbfounded to say anything, he just presses his lips together and glimpses at me with sympathetic eyes.

both of them are liars.
but so am i...

"what were you both thinking." my voice shakes and I'm holding in larger tears. i don't even look at dad or jamila because i don't know how or what to feel. "happy birthday, dad." i rush past him to get inside the house, rushing to the direction of the stairs and disregarding his present in my hand. it's like deja vu, the same bickering between the two of them that leads to jamila taking it out on me.

my gaze in front of me blurs and the tears pile in my eyes, ready to drop. but i won't let them. at least not yet.

keeping my eyes slanting low until it's safe to look up, I'm interrupted when i accidentally bump into someone. "sorry," i mutter, quickly peeking at the person, then acknowledging it's just vinnie. "hey hey hey," he gently clamps his hands on my shoulders to stops me from fleeing any further. "what's wrong jen?"

his eyebrows are drawn close together and he lowers his head to get a better look at me. when he discovers I'm close to crying, he places his cup and cake on the nearest table before escorting me upstairs.

when we arrive in my room and close the door, the tears just roll out. the tears then turn into a quiet sob when i hug vinnie's comforting chest. we're sitting on the same childhood bed that's been here ever since i moved out. the cold emerald green covers that looked untouched before, are now creased and ruffled from it finally being used. his back is leaning on the dark brown headboard and I'm leaning against his chest, sobbing.

thoughts run in my head, about the whole thing. it's true that it's partly my fault and that everything jamila said earlier was in fact true. memories came back. the memory of dad and jamila yelling at each other in the living room when she first discovered she was pregnant. she was freaking out, pacing in my bedroom as i sat on this same bed here, with my mouth hanging.

when he found out by overhearing jamila's worries, he called her types of things, like boy crazy and irresponsible. in return, she sobbed and blustered to me about it and soon turned the situation on me. dad came to the "rescue" but of course, jamila took offense to it and they argued even more.

vinnie whispers, "it's okay, jellybean." caressing my arm softly. his gentle patience, turned the room into a peaceful place, hugging me until i felt 100% better. the warm kisses he presses on my forehead, hushing my cries quieter and quieter.

the rhythm of his delicate, warm hands brushing against my chilly arms created a serene significance that made me feel secure. when i eventually felt relaxed enough to speak, my voice still trembles. "I'm so sorry vinnie," i wipe the tears from my cheeks, while also focusing on the hiccups in my breath.

"what happened?" he patiently questions me, letting his hand rest on the top of my ginger braids.

"jamila and dad got into it again...and once again i got dragged into it." my grip on the hug loosens when i glimpse up at him in the dim room. he takes a grasp of my hand and plants a delicate kiss on my palm, "I'm so sorry jelly bean."

it soothes me. the kiss lullibies me into a peaceful feel. at least through this whole thing, i've got him. in times like this, i finally have him to cry on. a shoulder or big hug is all i need from him.

vinnie and i sit in silence for a couple of seconds, accepting reality in for a moment. everything is benign, for just a second...until the door jumps open and solana stands in the doorway crying.

"oh my god, solana what's wrong?" i hurry off the bed to understand what's going on. but all she has to say is one word for my entire world to shut down.

"nano!"