was it ever real?

18. to new york you go ♡

flashback of what happened that night...

i sat on Vinnie's couch, still unsure how to tell him. it's the first time we've been alone in a while since amorah and aaron are always with us.

at first, we were watching tv but he was too focused on a sketch to pay attention. but me? my eyes were glued to the screen because i was so anxious . a lot flooded through my mind.

how do you just pop a question like that?

"hey vinnie...did i ever tell you i got an internship in new york and now i'm not sure if i should stay here in LA with everyone i love including you...or leave."

no..that's too bold with a little too much content.

but on the other hand...if i did take the internship, i wanted to confess my crush to Vinnie. i wanted to trust him as one of my best of friends to be my first.

i didn't wanna live life as a virgin in my prime 20s no matter where i was. i trusted him to allow me to experience some things I'd always been curious about.

"vinnie.." i finally removed my gaze from the television screen and turned to face him, fidgeting with the fabric of my skirt. but he was already glancing at me.

"yeah?"

"can we...can we talk?"

"sure," he took the remote and turned the tv off. we sat in his living room, silent, together alone, pouring outside, and in dim lighting.

all of his attention was on me. his pencil stopped tracing the sketch paper and his eyes locked with mine as he smiled so innocently.

stop it..you're making this even harder.

"vinnie i-" i began to say but he cut in.

"jenae if this is what i think you're saying...then i feel the same way."

wait what?

his face flushed light pink and his smile widened, giving me his full undivided attention. "you feel...what way?" i took my bottom lip in between my top teeth, nibbling on it.

"i like you a lot jenae and i have for a while...i just wanted to know if you feel the same way?"

"well yeah," i softly chuckle. "i've actually liked you for a while too and-"

"can i...kiss you?" he asked, sitting up and fixing his posture.

my eyes widened.

this definitely wasn't going the way i thought, but i wasn't complaining.

i didn't hesitate to nod. on my knees, i crawled closer to him so we could finally touch lips. his lips were so soft and tasted so minty. the touch of his cold hands on my cheek made me shudder.

i hope i'm doing okay...

the kiss was slow and steady, but ended so fast.
almost like a sample?

his thumb glided over my lips as he took a glimpse into both of my eyes and then my lips again.

i loved when he looked into my eyes like that.

"can i kiss you again?" he chuckles, asking again but more confident this time.

to which, i nodded my head again and we proceeded to make out for a while. i remember when he groaned and whimpered in my mouth, it made me feel so...turned on.

next thing i remember,

we're on his couch full-on making out. i straddled on top of him, and bent down to kiss him. his soft hands were placed on my waist, but from the heat of the moment, i positioned my hand on his and moved it so it slide up my skirt.

then his face flushed red and his eyes widened at me. "is it okay if i...y'know?" he questioned my bold action.

"one hundred percent!" i smiled, pecking him on the lips again. from the feeling of his lips, i felt a smile form on his face too.

it was adorable.
and still, i found myself exactly where i wanted to be.
closer to him.
on him.

this time, we kissed harder and moved into his room. i laid on my back, and he hovered on top of me. his hands traveled up my skirt and reach the hems of the fabric. his fingers fidgeted with the material as his lips kissed my neck.

soft delicate kisses.

under my breath i moaned and whispered his name, "vinnie," steady in his ear. after words of encouragement, he caressed me with his fingers, ensuring i was comfortable and controlled my stimulation.

it made me wonder at the time, subconsciously, where he learned all of it from. where he learned how to pleasure a woman just as well as she pleased herself.

and just like that,
we were slowly making love.

being that it was my first time, i felt a little pain, but i also felt relaxed with him. i wasn't too doubtful about my body or the way i looked.

i only wanted him closer.

when we finished with aftercare, we just laid in his bed cuddling and watching his tv. it was such a dream for me. but little did i know, my heart would shatter from a couple of words.

laid beside him, i felt content and relaxed. surprisingly there was no awkward silence or awkward tension. i actually kept replaying it all in my head.

i had lost my virginity to vinnie.

but soon enough, after being caught in a daydream i realized that i forgot the main objective.

"vinnie," i lifted my head from his chest to glance at him.

he nodded his head in response.

"that was absolutely amazing, but we seriously have to talk."

"okay," his eyes barely squinted.

"tomorrow...i have the big decision to either do an internship in new york or stay here and lose the internship."

instantly his expression drooped and when he glanced at me i couldn't tell what he was thinking.

"congrats on the internship. but i think you should go to new york."

my heart dropped.

"but what about everyone here...and what about me and you?" i sat up.

he couldn't mean it just like that?
he couldn't.

"so? you should still go."

ouch

"ok."

in that moment , i recognized what i was to him. i also acknowledged that i was no benefit to him anymore.

and no longer fulfilled with that cheerfulness, i laid to my side to fake-drift to sleep. but in all actuality, i was devastated and i felt so betrayed.

i didn't assume vinnie was one of those "act like it never happened" guys. i thought he would've at least thought about it...but he didn't.

so the following morning, i left his place without leaving anything behind. i said goodbye to everyone except him, and that hurt me. it hurt me so bad that i cried for what seemed forever.

i cried from the betrayal and doubt.

yeah, i could've at least texted or called, but at that moment he was nothing but a pretender to me.