was it ever real?

40. waiting forever

vinnie and i sit on the couch patiently waiting for mom to return from the kitchen with our glasses. nano lies by my feet patiently waiting as well. my eyes scope the areas of the spacious living room, examining the surrounding furniture, decor, and pictures.

on the side table of the couch, is a picture of a little brown-skinned girl opening christmas gifts with a twinkling smile. sitting beside the photograph was another, of a dark skin man in his early 30s. his smile is a gentle one, displaying only his lips and a few crinkles near his eyes.

I've got to admit it's extremely awkward being here.

seeing her "new" family is unnatural to me, regardless of the jealousy. i won't lie, it's always been a fantasy of mine to wonder about if she didn't leave. to have someone other than jamila that i could talk to about problems, to be able to go bra shopping with her instead of shopping with my sister because of my extremely nervous and unprepared father.

my jealousy also grows the more i think about how much of those things she got to do with her new daughter. when her daughter bled through pants in public, I'm sure she didn't faint or almost rush to take her to the hospital, -like dad did- because there was "so much blood".

mom returns from the kitchen carrying a bowl of water in one hand and balancing a tray of three evenly placed glasses in the other. she puts the bowl on the floor for Nano to drink, and sits the glasses on the umber coffee table.

taking them, vinnie and i thank her. "so....mom," i cringe at the way the word rolls off my tongue so weirdly and unnaturally. it feels weird to call her mom, but it feels even more weirder not to.

"this is my boyfriend vinnie,"

vinnies eyes flash at me, then soften when he lightly smiles. i forgot that we didn't actually define our real relationship. maybe i should clear that up a little later on...

she barely squints her eyes, studying his appearance before gently smiling, "hi vinnie, I'm valentina but you can call me tina."

"hi, mrs. tina, it's nice to meet you" his hand lifts into a gentle wave.

mom's gaze returns to me and her head slightly tilts, "you've grown up to be a beautiful woman jenae." then her smile turns into a downturned one, pressuring the corners of her smile.

"thank you," i half smile, "so..."

I'm unsure of what to say next, due to the fact that i have so much that i want to ask her. im recycling words and thoughts in my mind of what to say. do i act unfazed or do i make this even more awkward by staying silent?

i didn't expect to ever see her again, or expect for her to be living so close by this entire time. i want to know every "what and why" that i can, but nothing comes out of my mouth. instead, i'm compelled to remember everything that happened the night she left.

vinnie's palm rests on top of mine, encouraging me to continue with suggestive raised brows.

mom takes notice of how uneasy i am, and attempts to help break the ice. "go on, you can ask me anything you want to." she's smiling, but her smile doesn't reach her eyes. instead, her eyes get glossy and her lips almost quiver. she's holding in tears,

badly.

finally. i push the question through my shaky voice, the one that used to annoy her. "was it...ever real?"

"was what real?" she pauses, puzzled.

"When you..." i hesitate, grabbing the recollection from the front of my mind, remembering when she said she 'loves me but hates being my mother, "when you said you loved us?

quickly i regretted being so bold. because that's all it took.

immediately her mouth slightly hangs open and her eyes flood with tears. she looks away from me and vinnie's gaze to wipe away her tears. "of course, it was real jenae,"

"then why did leave us? why did you say and do all of those things that night?"

Vinnie glances at me, noticing the tear that fell down my cheek. even though, i was almost sure i hid it behind my perfect pocket face. 

"i think nano has to go outside to, uh, use the bathroom. we'll be back." he clips nano's leash and the both of them head toward the door. when it shuts behind vinnie, mom scoots from her chair to sit near me on the couch. her hands reach out to cup both sides of my shoulders.

"that night is something i regret every single day. i deeply apologize from the deepest part of my heart, coco." she gently presses my shoulders, tears falling onto the tawny-colored skin of her cheeks. it sounds bizarre to hear her call me coco again, just like dad does.

"what did you mean when you said...you hated being my mother?"

her smile fades when she recalls what she said. her head dips downward into my lap, softly sniffing. through the thick fabric of my sweatpants, i can feel the moisture from her tears sinking into the fabric.

"back then, i...i was terrible mentally. terribly to the point that i was at my lowest ever. after i had you my body felt so different. even more different than when i had jamila and it scared me." her voice lowers and shakes, but it's clear enough to understand her. "i was scared because i was still young and afraid to age. afraid my body would scare away your father or make me deemed as unworthy in society because my body was so worn out."

she continues on, "so, to make me feel a bit better about myself..." her voice nearly disappears, making it harder to understand her. the only two things i understood were "blamed" and "you".

i keep my head straight, trying to avoid sobbing anymore this weekend but it's stupid to strain. my lips quiver and somehow, I'm crying too. my body becomes limb, slouching my shoulder and allowing the tears to flow.

mom's cries lighten and through my blurry eyes, i notice her head lifting. she looks at me like she's completely startled. then she weakly smiles and pulls me in for a pacifying hug. her hand rubs on my back, allowing me to cry like a big baby. crying into her shoulder uncontrollably until i get a headache.

cry in the comfort of my mother's arms, finally.

when my cries soften, she resumes, "your father...he was so kind to me, worrying for me all the time, ensuring i wouldn't overwork or get too stressed out." another memory pulls from my mind. it's the memory of dad always washing the dishes, cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry while mom was away at work.

"when i got to my lowest point, i would abuse his pure love for me by cheating on him with my boss at the time. my boss ended our secret relationship and that's when i came home drunk that night. your father and i got into it, even though it was only me throwing objects. when i saw you coming down those stairs, i felt terrible."

"Unfortunately you had to get the worst version of me with mental difficulties. i hated the way i would treat you and not jamila. i hated the way your father was so clueless that i was cheating on him, while he still cared for the both of you. so i needed to start over from it all and that's why i left the way i did. but mean it when i say i deeply apologize and regret it jenae."

the tears stop, and i wipe my eyes.

"is that who he is?" i point to the picture of the man from before. looking at it this time is different from the first time. this time i feel hatred for him and even a little disgust for mom.

she wipes her eyes, turning to grab the image, tracing the frame of it. "no," her voice is low, "i left james in the past. this is marlon, my husband and the father of your half-sister." her adoring gaze shifts to the christmas photo.

once i dried my tears, mom examined me once again, passing my water to me. "how's calvin?" her asking about dad ignited a thrill of excitement in my body. finally, i get the ranting and gossip I've been craving for my entire life.

she looks at me eager to hear about him, but i hesitate. are we actually having girl talk right now? does this mean i can talk and fill her in on all the years she's missed? part of me is eager to tell her about my newest fashion opportunity and hear her boast how proud of me she is, even though it's been years. the other part of me knows I'm expecting too much.

but it wouldn't hurt, would it?
plus, I've been waiting forever.