was it ever real?

13. do i?

just wait til i get home. i'ma to take my heels off, wrap my braids, take a shower, cry in the shower, cry while i'm getting dressed, and go to sleep with nano in my arms to cure the headache.

seeing chris isn't the reason i feel this way. the thing that makes me feel a lump in my throat is seeing him and his girlfriend at that table laughing and him acting like he doesn't acknowledge me.

after i had vinnie turn around and stop staring, they continued with their conversation and never looked this way again. i can't help but glance accidentally, but it isn't the same for chris. maybe he meant what he said that day.

as for vinnie? i feel like a terrible date, ruining the vibe, staring into space, and looking at another table. still, for some reason, he wasn't too annoyed by it. he actually tried to cheer me up.

but the thing is..

i'm not this bad ass idealistic woman everyone wants me to be. i don't feel like making chris jealous, flirting around with vinnie to get back at him, or even talking to chris privately. i don't even have the energy to yell at him.

instead,

i'm just the insecure girl that needs to be assured on so many things, doesn't have the confidence to make a man fall for her, and will even run away when things come crashing down.

they're my biggest problems.

vinnie smiles, leaning in and motioning with his chopsticks for me to lean in as well. "jellybean," he says in a sing-song tone to annoy me with the irritating pet name.

i tilt my head up in response.

"do you want free drinks and dessert?" the corner of his lips upturned into a sneaky smirk.

"geez vinnie, if you're worried about money i got a few dollars in my purse." i roll my eyes, digging through my purse with the sound of coins rummaging around. "no," he chuckles. "what if we fake a proposal for a free margarita and cake slice?"

"what?!" i shake my head, "i'm kinda tired. let's just pay and go home." but it's a lie and an excuse not to be seen by chris. i can feel my insides on the fucking edge of breaking down and my voice cracking and i just wanna be alone.

"oh come on jen, we're supposed to be having a fun night out. no lover quarrels, remember?" his eyebrows jump up and down.

what?

"but weren't even-"

he interrupts me, "run to the bathroom for a minute or two. i'll ask the waitress to quiet down the restaurant, then you walk back when i text you. the whole restaurant cheers me on for the proposal and boom! free earned dessert and a free margarita"

"vinnie, i dunno about this-"

he leans in more, looking into my eyes and not breaking contact as he says, "forget about him. if anything, grab his attention and make sure he knows what he's missing out on."

wait..how did he know-

still, somehow his words made me feel a little bit better. of course, chris is an asshole, but i still feel terrible for the woman sitting at the booth with him.

she has no clue.

"okay," i slide the ring off my finger and pass it to him, right before the waitress comes around to bring the check. taking my purse with me, i quickly walk to the bathroom, passing their table. from the corner of my eye, i catch chris and his little girlfriend laughing with each other.

he still won't even look at me?

returning my eye to the front me, i walk into the empty family bathroom and stand in front of the mirror fixing my appearance. i correct the corners of my lipliner and check that it's still bold enough. eyeing my curves again, i slide my dress down and try flexing my stomach to flatten it.