was it ever real?

31. heart to heart

"wh-what'd you mean?" i hesitate, but i know what he's inching towards. i confused him and now he wants to keep things strictly friendly between us. maybe all that dancing at the club made him realize something.

although i kept letting the assumptions cloud my mind, i hoped it wasn't that.
i hoped it was something based on the way i felt.

"jenae," vinnie begins to say, but as he's talking his hands' cup around the joint and his fingers flick the lighter perfectly for the fire to align with the joint and light it. the way his eyes met mine after it lit, sent a surge of anxiety in my stomach and a hesitation in my breath.

"i know-i know this whole thing was meant to be fake." he stumbles over his words. "god, i can't believe i'm being this..bold right now-" he peeks away into the sight of the sky in front of us. "i've fallen for you again jenae."

those simple words raise my brows and barely part my lips. it's exactly what i wanted him to say, deep down. but why do i feel so stunned? is it because it fled from his lips so easily?

"but vinnie...i thought this whole time you were faking this. for the bet right?"

"at one point i was...but i realize ever since that night at the restaurant i've felt this way. only now do i recognize it."

my eyes flutter, still amazed at his words, however, he took my shock as a rejection.

"jen i understand that you don't feel the same way, i...i can't act like these feelings will disappear in thin air, but i understand."

wait.
is he serious right now?

we sit in silence for a moment, looking at the gravel of my dad's backyard for a guide to the next step. the tarp on top of the pool ripples against the wind, but the water under it was still. while keeping my gaze straight, and finally taking a inhale from the burning joint, i let all that he's said sink in.

i'm not sure how to word it, or what to say next...

exhaling the smoke out, i cough for a few seconds before catching my breath and quickly pass the joint to him. "vinnie, of course, i feel the same way." my eyes glimpse into his for any intention of help for my late confusion. "i thought i'd gotten too comfortable with this whole fake relationship and that's why you've been so distant. i didn't think it was because you liked me." he takes an inhale, still listening to me. "remember the night before the club? i was distant because i felt something for you but thought you didn't want me."

"so, you really don't remember last night then?" his head tilts.

i shake my head.

"you threw up and then started crying."

oh my god.

"...why?!" I practically conceal my face with my hands and hide in my embarrassment.

he went on to summarise the layout of the night to me. he also didn't overlook mentioning to me that I had to pee every three minutes. slowly but surely, i begin to recollect my memories from last night.

vinnie continues to tell me about the arabic poet, his sketchbook; all of it.

at that point, the spark of the blunt wore out and we weren't even worried about it anymore, we just talked. it was a pleasant feeling that made my chest and stomach warm for him. everything he's done for me just proves how much i have to keep him in my life.

why did I ever let this man go?

"but jenae, can i ask you something?" his head tilts and he passes the burnt-out joint back to me.

i nod.

"who made you feel that way...about yourself?"

"my mom," I chuckled, letting a mirthless giggle out to avoid the awkwardness.

his facial expression falls and so does his mouth.

"before she ran off to sleep with her boss, she would stress and let me know that I was a mistake to her. she had to have a c-section with me and afterward the scar left her with body dysmorphia which later twisted into postpartum depression. she took it out on me sometimes, saying my voice was too annoying or that I was bad luck to the household because I was born on Halloween."

"that's terrible..." his brows furrow.

"yea, well the night before she left she made sure to let me know that she hated being my mother. that's when, at the ripe age of 5 I realized it was my fault for my mother's mentality. it got worse when I left for new york because I thought you only used me...so I thought I was worthless."

"jenae, I apologize for making you feel that way and not being clear that night. I also apologize for your mom...it's pretty fucked up that you feel that way." he glances into my eyes with such desperation. "it's fine." i half-smile and rub my hands on my thighs to make an effort and uplift the mood but then his gaze wanders down, to the sight of my lips.

the crickets and bugs make noise around us and a short warm breeze of ambiance rides past our faces. the wind brushes my braids in front of my face, breaking our eye contact. even i can't help but glance at his lips too. they're full and look so smooth.

a little kiss would make me feel so much better.
maybe veen lift my mood a little bit.

my free hand cups vinnies face, admiring the boy i've fallen for.
the boy that I somehow was lucky enough to rekindle with again.
the one that listens and comforts me.

our lips lean closer until they caress each other and we're into a deep and passionate kiss.

all's great until...

"coconut are you smoking weed??" dad suddenly appears. his head is peeked through the back door and half of his body is leaning out.

i freeze.

my eyes light up with the actualization that my dad despises the idea of me smoking weed, or even drinking.

thinking of something quick, I accept that i'm about to drop the perfectly rolled joint i've ever rolled, on the ground to hide my evidence. but, vinnie grabs it from my fingertips without my dad noticingnand places the end in his mouth, turning around to face dad with the joint in his mouth. "sorry sir, that was me. jenae just happened to be out here while i was rolling it." vinnie quickly chuckles, revealing the j in perfect condition.

dad glances at vinnie  and then at me with squinted eyes. his eyes lighten when he glances at vinnie again and he smiles, "oh you're fine ma' boy. in a little bit we need help with the last bit of decorations though."

"okay," we both reply, still a little disturbed that i was almost caught.
it's not like im a teenager anymore, but i still walk on eggshells y'know?

the door slides shut and we sit in silence for a few seconds, looking at each other with wide eyes and cheeks full of air to prevent ourselves from bursting into laughter.

and then i can't contain it anymore. i break out cracking up, "i almost got chewed out and he almost caught us kis-" I hesitate to continue what I was about to say. "i mean.."

"caught us?" vinnie begin smirking, gently setting the blunt aside to use both of his hands to cup my face and bring me closer.

and finally, without any more interruptions, we kiss an even heavier kiss. a kiss that only stopped because we needed to breathe. a kiss that left us breathing heavily, gazing into each other's eyes with a sly smile, and both of our hearts banging against our rib ages to become one.

and when we walked back into the house, we were hand in hand still cheesing.