Sometimes Love Isn't Enough

Bringin on the Heartache

**Brendon's POV**

We've just come off stage, and I'm heading towards our dressing room when Elise approaches me.
"Brendon, we need to talk, It's important." Nicole passes us by and gives Elise a quick thumbs up. still on a high from the show.
"Yeah, sure.....Nicole tell Carlyn I'll be there in a minute. Well, did you do the test?"
"About that.......I'm pregnant.....it was positive."
"Fuck!! is it mine??"
I don't know Brendon. It's a possibility. Joe and I haven't really slept together as we've been off and on the past 3 months, and the only other person I've been with is you. I need to arrange an emergency appointment with an OBGYN for a dating scan as I have an irregular cycle and can go months without a period."
"We have the next 3 days off. We travel through the night, and when we get to New York, you book an appointment, I'll pay for the scan. We need to know before I tell Carlyn."
"Brendon, this is such a mess. I don't even know if I want kids...."
"You'd get rid of it???"
"I don't know, Joe and I aren't exactly in a stable relationship. You're married and have a newborn. I can't believe this is actually happening......." She starts crying.
"Sssshhh Elise, we will work something out." I tell her. As I am consoling her, Pete catches my eye on his way to the stage, giving me a WTF look. I just ignore him for now. Knowing he will seek me out after their show.

As I make my way to the dressing room, I see Carlyn leaving with Skai.
"Hey, babe. I'm heading to the bus. Skai's fallen asleep, so I'm gonna put her down in the bedroom and have a quick shower before her next feed. Are you showering here or on the bus?"
"I'll have a quick one here. Let you get showered and ready for bed. I'll be over shortly."
"Ok, see you soon. Love you, babe."
"Love you too." Standing under the hot water, I get lost in my own thoughts. Carlyn seems a little off just now. She's been very quiet and kinda keeping herself to herself. She's been having a problem with her milk supply. She developed some sort of infection called mastitis and has been given a course of antibiotics, all whilst still trying to feed through the pain. Skai seems to sense Carlyn's in pain and tense and won't latch on. At her 6-week check, the OBGYN told her to switch to formula to give herself a break. She also told me to keep an eye out for signs of Post Natal Depression. Christ, this is all she needs on top of this.

**Carlyn's POV**

Skai is sound asleep, so I've quickly jumped in the shower. To say I'm exhausted would be an understatement, but Skai is so worth it. Brendon has been really hands-on with her, but he needs his rest as well.  He needs to be at his best for the shows and the fans. I'm finding it hard to feed Skai just now due to my infection, and she won't latch on. I've given in and bought some formula when I was in Walmart. I feel defeated, like a failure. I mean, what kind of mom am I that can't even provide milk for her own child. I'm worried my milk supplies are drying up because of the mastitis. She screams when I try and feed her, and I end up in tears feeling useless, but as soon as Brendon takes her, she stops crying. We've used up all my stored breast milk. Hence, the formula. We've waited so long to have a baby. I thought I would be on cloud nine, but now I just feel numb. Like I am going through the motions. It's as if I'm not really present. It's so hard to explain. I am sick and tired of crying and feeling miserable. I put on a face for everyone, but when I'm alone, it's a different story. I even had to fake being happy for Elise's pregnancy, which is just not me. I can't say anything to Brendon as I don't want him worrying. I just feel hopelss. Josh face times me regularly, and I am grateful for that. He's tried to get me to open up to Brendon, but I've asked him not to say anything to him. I'll get through this.

**Brendon's POV**

When I get back onto the bus, I head straight to our room. I can hear Carlyn crying.
"Carly, Babe, what's wrong? I see Skai is starting to get restless.
"Bren, she's due a feed, and I can't provide the milk. I've bought formula, but that makes me feel like a failure."
I take her in my arms, kissing the top of her head. "Babe, you're being too hard on yourself. Does it really matter whether she gets breast milk or formula? Even the OBGYN said to give her formula. As long as she's fed, surely that's all that matters."
"I know, Bren...I just feel fuckn useless."
Right, I'm going to make up some bottles and then feed Skai, and you, you  are going to get into that bed and try and get some sleep. I'll get up through the night as well. We don't have any shows for 3 days, so that should let you get some rest. OK? Now I'll take Skai, Dan can keep her amused whilst I make her bottle up.
"Bren, you don't have to. You must me knackered after the show....."
Carlyn, I am not arguing with you she has two parents. Now get into bed!!"
I know not to argue. He called me Carlyn. He's deadly serious.

I lift Skai from her crib and take her through to the lounge. "Hey Dan, can you hold Skai for me till I make up her bottle?"
"Sure, I won't knock back the chance of cuddles with my favourite little lady. Is Carlyn OK? She doesn't seem like herself just now?".
"I'm not sure, man. I'm worried she might have a touch of Post Natal Depression. The OBGYN told me to keep an eye out for it. I think I'll arrange an appointment for her when we are in New York."
Just then, my phone rings, and Pete's number is showing. I can't deal with him just now. I need to do feed Skai.
I take Skai from Dan and give her a bottle. She takes this no problem.
"Hey baby girl, you look so cute in your little pj"s. I know you've been a good girl for mommy, but I need you to be patient as mommy's not feeling so good just now." I swear she just smiled at me. After I've winded her, she's starting to fall back asleep. I quietly start singing This is Gospel to her. I love having this time with my daughter. Once she's asleep, I put her in her Crib and get into bed. Carlyn has finally fallen asleep, so I pull her into me and wrap my arms around her, trying not to think about the devastation Elise's pregnancy is going to cause.