Sometimes Love Isn't Enough

Listen to your Heart

**Time Skip 5 weeks End of 2nd leg of Tour**

** Brendon's POV **

As we all pile onto the bus, there's a buzz in the air. Adrenaline is still running high from the show, but everyone is excited to be heading home for the holidays. We won't be back on the road until 18th January. Everyone is looking forward to having much needed time at home with  family and friends.  In-between shows, I've managed to purchase some Christmas gifts for Carlyn and Skai. I know she's still a baby, but I'm excited for her first Christmas.  Although I have FaceTime'd over the past 5 weeks, it's not the same as being physically there. This has been the hardest part of any tour ever, I don't think I can do this again in January without them both being on the road with me. I sonehow need to gently approach the subject with Carlyn over the festive period.  We've all had a few drinks tonight to celebrate, and all being well, we will be home by tomorrow night.

** Carlyn's POV **

Tonight's our last night without Brendon. This time tomorrow, he should be home. I feel quite anxious about him coming home. I have missed him as well as watching him with Skai, but I don't know where his head is regarding our relationship and the possibility of this baby being his. I've had plenty of time to think over everything, and my therapy has been a great help with working through my PND and my thoughts regarding Brendon, Elise, and the baby.

With Christmas coming, I've been busy organising gifts and stuff, and I've decided to go ahead with our annual Christmas Party for all our friends and their families. I'm excited for Skai's first Christmas, and I can't wait to decorate the house and get a tree. Tonight, Dan and I are baking Christmas cookies with his kids, whilst Skai supervises from her bouncy chair. I'm just getting everything ready when I hear Dan and the kids arriving.
"Hey, Short Stuff, you ready to get this production line going?" he asks, pulling me into a hug.
"Hey, kiddos, are you looking forward to making cookies?"
"YES!" they shout excitedly. I can't help but laugh "Dan how much sugar have your kids had?"
"Not much they're just naturally hyper."
We make the cookie dough, and each child has a piece to roll and cut out their respective shapes. Skai is currently chewing on her teething ring, babbling away to everyone. Once all the cookies are in the oven, the kids head to the den, where they are happily playing with Skai whilst Dan and I are clearing up and washing the dishes with the help of some wine.
"Hey, short stuff, how are you feeling about seeing Brendon tomorrow?"
"I don't know, Dan. I'm kind of anxious, i suppose..."
"I get that, I really do, but you've nothing to be anxious about."
"I know....  I'm overthinking things, but what if....." he cuts me off mid sentence.
"Forget what if's Carlyn. Do you still love him?"
"Yes, but..."
"Do you want to split up?"
"No.. I don't think I do, but..."
"But what?"
"What if HE does? What if he just sees me as a pushover and thinks that I will take him back if he does this again. I forgave him the first time, eventually. But how many chances do you give someone before you walk away?"
"Look, Carlyn, I can't tell you how this is gonnaxwotk out. My marriage didn't end because of infidelity, but I can tell you this. You set ground rules, go to marriage counselling, for the sake of your family you try. You give it everything you have and if it doesn't work.  Well, you gave it your best shot, you tried. Take it from someone who's been there."
"Don't get me wrong, Dan, I'm still hurting and angry, so, so  very angry...."
"And you are entitled to be, but it's not healthy to be angry all the time. You both need to rediscover each other again. Initially, Aja and I were almost ready to sign divorce papers. However, we took the time to rediscover over each other again. We ended up with another kid instead of a divorce... "
"Yeah, but look where you are now. You still ended up splitting up....."
"Yes, but we tried! We gave it our all, but it just wasn't enough."
"Thanks for listening Dan, you've been a good friend. I'm glad you've moved next door."

Once the cookies have all cooled and have been decorated, it's time for Skai's bath, and Dan is rounding up his kids.
"Right, kids. It's time to head home. What do you say to Carlyn for having us?"
"Thanks, Carlyn, we had great fun. Can we do it again sometime?." They asked, wrapping me in a hug.
"Of course we can.' I tell them returning their hug.
"Think about what I've said, Carlyn... Thanks for tonight. It was great fun. Goodnight."
"I will, Dan. Thanks for your company guys, goodnight," 

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The next evening, Skai is all dressed and ready for Brendon coming home. I bought her this cute top that says welcome home, Daddy, a pair of jeans and little baby converse.  We are in the kitchen when Brendon comes in, earlirr than expected.  Skai is sitting in her high chair, playing with her teethers. "How's my little princess?" He asks, making a beeline for Skai. "Did you miss Daddy?. Cos he certainly missed you." he states, lifting her from her chair and smothering her in kisses. Skai thinks this is hilarious and is in a fit of giggles. I must admit, it is a cute sight to see. With Skai inches arms, he comes over and plants his lips on mine."Hey Babe, I missed you. Are you doing ok?"
"She missed you too, yeah, I'm doing fine."
"I can't believe how big she's gotten."
"I know, I can't believe she's almost 5 months old. She's certainly enjoying her baby food, and her front teeth are beginning to come through as well. Do you want to bathe her while I finish making dinner?"
"Yes! Cmon Munchkin, let's go have some fun." he exclaims as he pretends to fly Skai to the bathroom.

Once dinner is over and Skai has had her bedtime bottle, Brendon reads her a story and puts her into her cot. Through the baby monitor, I can hear him singing Northern Downpour to her. He comes back through and grabs a couple of beers from the fridge.
"Nice song choice, Bren." I smile.
"How'd you hear?" I point to the baby monitor.
"Ahhh, I forgot about that." When I look up, Brendon is staring at me and starts to speak rather hesitantly
"Ummm.....Carly, can we talk?"
"Sure." I follow him to the couch.
"Look," he begins. "I've had a lot of time to think about things while I've been away. I am really,  really sorry for all the pain and hurt I've caused you. After our argument, I was so stressed and angry. I felt like I had no control over anything that was happening, and I was feeling a little out of my depth ....
"Brendon..." I start, but he stops me. "Let me finish, Carlyn. I was scared. I was also afraid that I  wouldn't make a good dad.  I'm not making excuses for what I did or for what happened with Elise, but at that moment in time, I felt needed, and the alcohol fueled that feeling."
"I was scared too Brendon, why didn't you talk to me. I asked you often enough if you were feeling OK. Whilst working on my PND, I've come to realise that it can affect both parents and that there is a thing called Pre Natal Depression that can affect both parents as well. It did make me wonder if you were affected by this. Do NOT get me wrong." I stress.
"I am still hurting, angry, and so very, very pissed at you for what you did, and the way I found out about it didn't help. Then the thought of you having a baby with someone who wasn't me was the final straw."
"I know, I regret all of that. Elise and I  have talked, and she is getting a paternity test done when she has her amniocentesis and 20-week scan. That way, we will all know for definite." he stops to take a drink from his beer and continues. "If it turns out that I am the father, I want to be involved in their life. I can't just abandon my kid Carlyn, but I don't want to lose you and Skai as a result. I love you! I want us to stay together. I want my family back. I swear on my life, I will NEVER cheat again! Babe, can you forgive me?" By the time he has finished speaking, the tears are falling from his cheeks.

"Brendon, I would NEVER, EVER stop you from being involved with any child of yours." I insist. "But, it took everything in  me to forgive you the first time you cheated. I just don't know if I can go through it all that again. The difference  this time is we have Skai. If there wasn't a child involved, then I'm pretty certain I would have already left you. But how can I deprive our daughter of growing up without her dad?"
"I swear..." he begins, but I put  up my hand to let him know that I am not finished.
"Brendon, it is always going to be there, lingering in the back of my mind, whenever we have an argument, or you're out drinking or you are away on tour. Is he foi g to cheat again? I can't live like that, Brendon. WE can't live like that."
"I swear on my life, Carlyn, I will never, ever give you reason to doubt me..."
"That's easy for you to say, Bren, but actions speak louder than words. I love you, I always have, and regardless of whatever happens, I'm pretty sure I always will. BUT, and I strss IF we are going to survive this, we are gonna have to set some ground rules and we have to put the work in. We go to marriage counselling, you agree to see a therapist, and deal with your issues. It's really helped me. However, this WILL NOT work if there is only one of us trying. You've broken me twice, Bren, there WILL NOT be a third. If you can't be bothered or dont want to make the effort to work at this, then I'm sorry, I really am, but we are finished." I tell him.