Pain of love

21

The boys were gone all night. Neither Roma nor I slept properly, she'd cry eventually fall asleep then wake back up crying again. I was pacing and smoking brewing what seemed like never ending amounts of strong coffee trying desperately to stay awake. Waiting like an abandoned dog waits for its owner to return.

When Roma would wake I'd go to her and comfort her until she drifted off again then I'd return to what had now become my ritual. Pace and smoke, cup of coffee, repeat. This tiny ritual was the only thing keeping my mind occupied and stopping me from snapping.

Eventually the room began to fill with the murky gray blue light of winter dawn. As morning crawled on I felt yesterdays sickness rise in me again I stood over the sink holding my hair back. It's just nerves I kept telling myself nothing more.

At bang on 7:30 I heard the noise of the gates opening and a car driving up the driveway. I flung the door open and hurried out. It was georg.

"Where is he" I croaked my voice horse from the excessive smoking.

"Florence don't please just come inside"

He took my arm and pulled me inside

"Tell me what's going on right now"

He looked from me to Roma who was sobbing again and pulled my through the living room and across into the office closing the door behind us.

"You have to promise me you're going to stay calm" he whispered

My breath hitched in my throat what the fuck had happened.

"We've found Anton but he will only swap bill for you, or tom"

"Then I'll go what are we waiting for" I said moving for the door

Georg pulled me back

"No Florence, toms going to go in place of bill"

My heart almost stopped I forgot how to breath momentarily and the world seemed to be foggy.

"What no" I stammered not understanding how or why this could be happening

"He'll be okay I promise it he knows what he's doing" georg tried to soothe his tone uncomfortable clearly not knowing how to deal with the situation

"You're telling me you just left him there?" I cried

He looked at me pained I was full of anger but I knew georg couldn't have changed his mind any more than I could have.

"He's coming back right he knows what he's doing"

Georg nodded but the look in his eyes terrified me to my core and I felt the sickness rise in me again. I ran from the room and into mine and toms heading straight to the toilets before heaving my guts up again.

The news about Tom had left me in a strange trance like state, everything felt distant and far away like it wasn't really real. Once I was done throwing up I stumbled towards the bed getting in and wrapping myself in the covers breathing deeply taking in his scent.

"He's coming back he knows what he's doing" I kept whispering to myself

"He won't leave us we aren't done yet we're going to be happy" I whispered

I don't know how long I lay there. My brain never left it's trance like state a mix between shock and sleep deprivation kept it there, occasionally I'd begin to drift off and in those moments I could swear I felt him in the bed next to me then I'd stir and realise I was still here alone in the dark.

I became vaguely aware of the door opening and people sticking their heads round the door, they were speaking but my brain wasn't focusing in on the words and their voices sounded like white noise amongst the silence.

The voices came and went in intervals and I paid no notice to them my head kept spinning over every possibility and desperately trying to cling on to the idea I would see him again. Suddenly there was a weight on the bed next to my legs, momentarily this snapped me from my trance like state, a hand rested on my arm and someone whispered.

"I'm so sorry Florence I promise we'll get him back, I'll get him back it's all my fault"

I lifted my head slowly to look, it was bill, large bruises covered his face but I could see it was him his few white dreads were stained with blood, his own probably.

"I have something for you" he said

I stared at him blankly, I wanted to be angry I should be angry this was all his fault but I wasn't I just wanted to lie in the dark and silence.

"Where is he bill" I whispered

Bill looked at me with a sad look

"I'm so sorry I really am he's my brother if I'd known what would happen I never would have gone"

"Stop saying sorry bill he's going to come back he's going to be okay"

He didn't answer this which caused a fresh wave of panic to come over me, my life was nothing without him, life felt painful without him here.

"He asked me to give you something" he said

I didn't answer I had no response I didn't want a thing I wanted him and nothing else was going to compensate.

Bill pulled a small black box out of his pocket and placed it on the bedside table he also pulled a letter from his jacket placing it next to it.

He squeezed my arm before standing up to leave.

"Bill" I whispered

He turned and looked at me

"Promise me you'll find him"

"I swear to you" he said

He turned and left.

I stared for a while at the box and letter before reaching for them, I reached for the letter first opening it with shaky hands.

Florence

Words like these do not come easy to me hence I have written them down, one so I can make sure I don't mess this up when I say it to you and two so you can keep and treasure this letter forever incase you ever find yourself in doubt of how I feel about you.

From the moment I saw you I knew you had to be mine, your beauty captivated me from the moment I saw you and I knew I could not be without you.

The way I have treated you I will regret for my entire life, never have I felt guilty for the hurt I caused others but for you when I hurt you I hurt myself seeing the pain I caused you broke me. I have fallen for you in a way I never felt I could do.

Your beauty may have captivated me but your personality is the reason I am so deeply in love with you you are the light in my life, and without you everything would be pointless again.

Having you love me is the greatest gift a man could ever receive and I want you by my side for the rest of my life, I want you forever I know I have put you through so much but we're going to leave that behind now.

I found us a house in Spain, georg will take over here and we will leave, we will live a happy life together where you will be safe and we can be happy. Roma and bill are coming too and we will finally be rid of all this suffering.

With our new life in mind I only have one question to ask you.

Will you marry me?