I'm Scott Malkinson

28- Regrets

Clyde sat on the couch with his head in his hands. That couldn't have gone any worse. He groaned loudly, letting out all his frustration. Why'd he have to get high? In trying to avoid his shit, he'd only created more shit. That was the worst part about it. Before he'd only been worried about his dad, but now, on top of that, he was worried that Scott wold never speak to him again.

He sat like that a while before he heard his front door open and the sound of footsteps on the floor. The couch dipped beside him as someone sat. "You okay?" Tolkien asked him. Clyde sat silently, unable to bring himself to respond. Tolkien tried again. "Scott called and asked if I could look after you." Clyde just shrugged. He didn't have the words to describe the way he was feeling.

"What happened? Scott sounded pretty frantic on the phone," Tolkien added, clearly trying to get something out of Clyde.

Clyde sighed, it seemed like he wasn't going to be able to avoid talking about it. "You know how I get super anxious whenever my dad is out of town?"

Tolkien nodded. "Yeah, did you have a breakdown?" He asked sympathetically, placing his palm on Clyde's shoulder. It was warm and comforting, but he wished it was Scott's hand resting on his shoulder. He wished he could burry his face in Scott's chest and listen to him breathe. Clyde shook his head.

"No it's not that. I still had that weed that Craig gave me, and I was feeling anxious. I thought it might help. Well, I offered to share with him thinking Scott's pretty innocent, he won't want any. But then he did." Why did he want to try? Was he trying to look cool or was he going through shit of his own?

"Is he upset with you for getting him high? Because that's on him too, he chose to smoke with you."

Clyde shook his head again. "It's not really that either. Scott's more upset that when we were high we kinda made out, for like a really long time."

"No shit?"

"I wouldn't lie about this T. This morning he was like having a fucking panic attack or something 'cause he's still with Sophie. I can't even remember who made the first move, but I just feel so bad that it happened and I honestly don't think we'll still be friends after this. I don't think he'll want to be."

"You really like him, don't you?" Tolkien asked. "I know you've been getting really close to him lately." Clyde thought about Scott, his wavy brown hair, his hazel eyes, his freckles. Clyde thought of the sound of Scott's voice, the way his tongue often poked out of his mouth without him even realizing it. He thought about lunch in the catwalk, and signing their names inside of a heart, about laying with his head in Scott's lap and the feeling of his fingers as they ran through his hair. He thought about waking up with his head resting on Scott's chest and the calmness he felt while listening to his heartbeat. He thought of every moment they'd almost kissed, and the joy he'd felt when they finally did. He thought of how he smelled like oranges and how his lips tasted like the butterscotch candies he always kept in his pockets. He thought about every word that Scott had ever said to him, every moment they'd ever shared. "Honestly, I think I'm in love with him."

"Fuck man, are you gonna tell him?" Tolkien asked.

Clyde shook his head. "He's got a girlfriend T, I'm not getting in the middle of that. I'm not gonna be that guy. Anyway, if his reaction to kissing me is that bad, I doubt he'd take that news much better."

"Okay," Tolkien replied. The two of them sat in silence for several minutes, neither one moving, just sitting together. That was until Clyde's phone buzzed.

Scott: Hey, last night we seriously crossed a line, and I'm not sure how exactly to come back from that. I think we should stop hanging out for a while, I think I should take some time just to focus on my relationship with Sophie. I hope you understand.

Clyde: Yeah no worries, I was thinking the same thing actually. See you around I guess.