𝐂œ𝐮𝐫𝐬 𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐬é𝐬 [Percy Jackson]

163

Hadrian nearly jumped out of his skin, but he tried to keep a steady voice, "Hello, Hygeia! Apollo sent us. We need to see Asclepius."

The alabaster statue stepped off her dais. It reminded him too much of a doctor who episode that had traumatized him as a kid.

"I see." The statue kept smiling, though she didn't sound pleased. "May I make a copy of your insurance cards?"

"Ah, well..." Hadrian faltered. "We don't have them on us, but –"

"No insurance cards?" The statue shook her head. An exasperated sigh echoed through the chamber. "I suppose you haven't prepared for your visit, either. Have you washed your hands thoroughly?"

"Uh... yes?" Hadrian wiped his hands on his pants.

"Are you wearing clean underwear?" the statue asked.

"Hey, lady," Leo said, "that's getting personal."

"You should always wear clean underwear to the doctor's office," chided Hygeia.

"You should always wear clean underwear everywhere" Hadrian corrected.

"I'm afraid you are a health hazard. You will have to be sanitized before we can proceed."

The golden snake uncurled and dropped from her arm. It reared its head and hissed, flashing sabre-like fangs.

"Uh, you know" Jason said, "getting sanitized by large snakes isn't covered by our medical plan. Darn it."

"Oh, that doesn't matter," Hygeia assured him. "Sanitizing is a community service. It's complimentary!"

The snake lunged.

Leo leaped to one side and the snake missed his head by an inch. He rolled and came up, hands blazing. As the snake attacked, Leo blasted it in the eyes, causing it to veer left and smash into the bench.

Hadrian and Jason went to work on Hygeia. Jason slashed through the statue's knees, felling her like an alabaster Christmas tree. Hadrian tried to shoot her. The force caused her head hit a bench. Her chalice splashed steaming acid all over the floor. They moved in for the kill, but, before they could strike, Hygeia's legs popped back on like they were magnetic. The goddess rose, still smiling.

"Unacceptable," she said. "The doctor will not see you until you are properly sanitized."

She sloshed her cup towards Hadrian, who jumped out of the way as more acid splashed across the nearest benches, dissolving the stone in a hissing cloud of steam.

Jason soared into the air and lopped the goddess's head off.

Sadly, the head flew right back into place.

"Unacceptable," Hygeia said calmly. "Decapitation is not a healthy lifestyle choice."

The situation was so ridiculous, Hadrian almost laughed.

"Jason, get over here!" Leo yelled, he looked the same way he did whenever he had an insane plan "Hads, buy us some time!"

Hadrian grit his teeth, Leo better not do something stupid.

"Hygeia!" Hadrian yelled. "I'm not American, I have insurance!"

That got the statue's attention. Even the golden snake turned towards her, as if insurance was some sort of tasty rodent.

"Insurance?" the statue said eagerly. "Who is your provider?"

"Um... Green sea," He said. "I have the card right here. Just a second."