You loving me is my biggest flex ~Part 2

14.

(Song: I love you-Billie Eilish)
I'll be good, Rafe had promised himself after their first real fight.
I am not good, Rafe had realized when he left Aresu's home that evening.
He had actually betrayed her. He had actually hurt her again.
Again, when that was the one thing he promised her to not do again. Not to part in a fight... again.
Not to betray... again.
Not to lash out... again.
Never again wanted he to see those eyes crying again. Never again wanted he to see that face crumbled with pain again.
And now exactly that happened.
All broke down...
And he drowned himself in alcohol and drugs.

His eyes were swollen red, covered in scratches and bruises from crying all night long. He thought he had slept. Sleep was not what stopped him from crying.
When he came home he had buried himself in multiple blankets and passed out. Sleep came fast and it knocked him out immediately.
He wanted to run away from reality. He wanted to fly, he wanted to feel.
Right now he felt nothing but the deep pain in his heart.
Tears once again fell down without him noticing.
He had said horrible things yesterday. Things he had never meant that way.
He was not angry at her. Not at all.
And that scared him the most.
All he had said was a lie. A protective mechanism...
He had never really loved Ava! That was the only truth his heart screamed at him in agony.
He had always loved Aresu!
Aresu was his sun, his light...
Ava was fun being around but it had always been Aresu and it would always be.
But giving Rafe a third chance?
He doubted that it made Aresu happy, he doubted that Aresu had lied that night.
She had said: "I wish I never had met you."
And he doubted that she was wrong about that.
"You're just a distraction from what I actually missed!"
"I can't love you. I don't know how I ever could."
He wanted to fucking slap himself.
Why did he had to say that? For gods sake why did he spoke in such a state of mind? He was simply angry, wanting to hurt her like she had hurt him when kissing JJ.
Gosh he knew she didn't love JJ, she showed him many times but his jealousy and fears had ruled him yesterday. He logically knew that JJ was a better human being and her actually kissing him was like a backstabbing.
But she had said sorry immediately...
And Rafe, what had Rafe done instead of talking calmly with her? He had lashed out, screamed...
He had left his dad for her...
He had change because of her...
He loved her...
And that was the only truth he knew just now.
And oh, who took drugs again: he did.
And she helped him get clean so fucking much, but—nope—he was that dipshit he was and simply started again.
Scratch that, he did not want to slap himself, he wanted to kill himself, bury himself, turn back time, fall down, drown, stop existing.
Just stop...
A big fat part of him wanted to go back to his dad, cry in his arms and be his little pet once again. It was easier that way, he was used to being controlled and used.
But before he could leave the flat and repeat living in that living hell of a home, he was interrupted by Barry.
Barry, his best friend.
Barry his savior.
And seeing him now standing in the doorframe, Rafe fell to the ground and began to weep.
"I wanna g' b'ck!" he cried and buried his hands in his hair, scratching wildly at his scalp.
"Sh, sh. What's happened? Where's Grisu?"
"Im fucked. I'm like a 100% fucked, man. Like totally. There's no way outta this, bro."
"There's always a way, Rafe," Barry said, taking Rafe's hands in his to stop him from ripping open his scalp.
His slang slurring the words immensely.
"I wanna go b'ck now," Rafe whispered, his forehead rested in the crook of Barry's neck.
"To your dads? Nah, we ain't doin that, bro. Tell me what happened."
"I fucked up again."
"That's not new," Barry teased, his palms caressing Rafe's back softly.
Rafe moved back a bit, looking at him through red-rimmed eyes.

"I said things I regret so freaking much!"
"You two fought?"
Rafe nodded shakily.
"Ava?"
He nodded again, tears streaming down his face.
Barry was good at reading people, he'd always been.
"That's...unfortunate."
"I wanna die!" Rafe said and blinked back his tears.
"Nah we ain't doing that, either. You're at fault, bro. Sorry to say that but I told you to stay away from Ava. She's a cunning girl. I knew your little intermezzo would eventually come to light. Be honest with yourself: Why did you do it?"
"I don't know. I actually don't. 'S just happened. I like Grisu! Not Ava! But she'll never believe me."
"If you're honest she will. She might be mad but I saw how much she loves ya."
Barry took Rafe's phone and deleted Ava's number.
"Now it's settled. You tell Ava to fuck off and go to Grisu. That girl is too perfect and loving to be hurt like that! Say sorry and do it right! No tantrums. And for fucks sake stay away from your dad!"
And that was what Rafe had needed all along.
Someone to tell him to get his ass up and get to work.
"And if she is still angry give her time. Try again and again."
"I'm not good for her."
"Scratch that, you're motherfucking Rafe Cameron. And she loves ya. That's all that matters. Now stand up. She'll be in college, won't she?"
"She's not there today."
"You've been there?"
"Kinda searched for her during first period."
"You might've fucked up more than I thought. Well. Then try again tomorrow. Give her time."
"Thank you."
"Of course. I love ya, bro. But stop drinking and doing drugs. It's not good for ya."
Rafe nodded, that statement sounding weird from his drug-seller.
"Now stand up, take a shower and try to find good words to explain to her when you meet her in college. Don't invade her personal space. Only talk to her outside. Ya get it?"

It took Grisu three full days to feel good enough to get out of the house.
And then it was weekend.
And she needed that time.
On Monday she was back in the University, looking rough but overall acceptable.

Also: if you paid attention I used a male-song for the chapter of Grisu and a female-song for Rafe, showing that both have feelings for the other and think about them. The songs represent the yearning of the persons :)