Chapter Thirty-five
English is unsettling for Lisa.
Somehow in the short period of time since Valentine's Day, Lisa has become so used to Jennie sitting next to her that the seat feels unbearably empty without Jennie sitting in it. There's too much space, not enough chatter and Lisa can't even pretend that she likes it.
She refuses to look up when she hears Jennie enter the room. It's not difficult to realise it's her. Jennie Kim is the only person in the school able to keep up a constant stream of chatter without pausing for breath, and Lisa would probably recognise her voice anywhere anyway.
Lisa keeps her gaze on the work in front of her. Tries to make the date and title into a work of art. If she doesn't look up then maybe everything will be okay, as long as she doesn't look up then Lisa can keep on pretending.
Lisa lasts all of about a minute before she gives in.
She glances up quickly, tries not to make her movements too obvious and is relieved to find that Jennie isn't looking at her. It's strange really, because Jennie looks much the same as she always has, but somehow she seems so different. But Lisa knows exactly what the problem is, Jennie has reverted back to her old self. Her old friends, old topics of conversation and Lisa is stranded on the outside just like she used to be, desperate of a look in. She's back to stupid unrequited feelings that should never have been voiced aloud and she's back to dreaming of a time when Jennie Kim might somehow notice her.
Lisa casts her gaze back to the desk before it flickers back upwards again.
Jennie is sat with her friends but Lisa can't help but notice the way that Jennie's chair is pulled slightly away. As if she's listening to the conversation but isn't part of it. An invisible line seems to have been drawn down the group and Lisa would be lying if she said that she wasn't curious as to what had caused it.
Jennie can obviously feel Lisa looking at her as she begins to turn around. Jennie looks away quickly and focuses on the words in front of her. She half expects Jennie to call her out, or at least for Chahee to do so but nothing happens. Lisa remains invisible, at least for now.
Lisa finds her gaze straying for the entire hour. The Great Queen Bee failing to catch her attention in the usual way. Instead Lisa is trying to puzzle out what the hell is going on in Jennie's head, as if Jennie is a Rubik's cube rather than a teenage girl. As if Lisa can simply line up the colours and everything will work out perfectly. Lisa knows it's not as simple as that but she still can't help wishing that it was. Not that Lisa can solve a Rubik's cube anyway.
Trying to refocus her attention as a question appears on the board, Lisa curses herself. Only she would be stupid enough to ask Jennie Kim out. Only she would be stupid enough to kiss her. Only she would be stupid enough to still be hung up about it all.
It occurs to Lisa that Jennie has probably forgotten about it all. That the night with Lisa is probably nothing more than a fuzzy memory replaced by the night with the boy Lisa was replaced by. Lisa doubts that Jennie thinks about that night anywhere as much as Lisa does, doubts that it's kept Jennie awake at night, doubts that Jennie has ever thought about it since.
Lisa isn't sure why she even thought Jennie Kim could change.
Lisa had fooled herself into thinking that the girl that slept around was a facade, a mask that Jennie was desperate to hide behind. But the problem is that if you spend your whole time pretending to be someone else, then how will other people ever know who the real you is? Lisa thought the mask was slipping, but maybe it was just being repainted; a new layer to please Lisa as much as the other one pleased everyone else.
