Chapter Fifty-five
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Lisa isn't entirely sure how to respond. Jennie has just uttered the three words that Lisa thought she'd love to hear more than anything else, and yet Lisa has absolutely no idea what to say.
"You can't be," Lisa repeats when Jennie doesn't respond.
It seems that Jennie is desperately searching for words too. Her mouth opens and closes several times before she replies, her voice barely more than a whisper. This moment's precious, fragile, and Lisa is pretty sure she's about to break it.
"Why can't I?"
"You told me you didn't know."
"But I do now."
Lisa isn't sure how to put all her thoughts into words, how to explain how she feels to Jennie. Because this is all too sudden, all too simple, Lisa isn't sure that she can just move on. Such an easy ending to their tumultuous journey.
Lisa has spend the past few months wishing that Jennie would say something like that to her, wishing that Jennie would feel the same way and now it's happened, but it doesn't feel exactly Lisa thought that it might. Lisa can't deny the way that her heart is beating, the way that she is having to restrain herself from leaning in to kiss Jennie. But Lisa can't forget all of Jennie's indecision, can't forget how one moment she seems to have made a decision and the next she's completely changed her mind.
Lisa can't forget how much Jennie's indecisiveness has hurt her before.
And so Lisa is finding it hard to believe that Jennie could have come to this conclusion so suddenly. Can't believe that this could really be it. After all, what's to stop Jennie from changing her mind again in a few days time? What's to stop Lisa from investing her heart only to have it broken again?
So the moment is bittersweet. Lisa is caught between handing over her heart and keeping it close. She swings between the two decisions like a pendulum, weighing them up in her head. Lisa doesn't want Jennie to break her heart yet again, their friendship is broken enough as it is, and Lisa is pretty sure that one more misstep and it won't be salvageable. They'll just be two girls who once kissed, two girls who once promised each other the world.
"You can't be in love with me," Lisa begins to explain, "you promised me we'd always be best friends. No matter what."
"And what's to say I don't mean that?"
"I'm just worried Jennie."
"Why?"
"Do you remember the first time you kissed me? We were sat, and I did nothing, you instigated it, you made the first move. And you still pulled away, you changed your mind. And I blamed myself."
"Lisa, I – "
"Shut up, let me speak. And then you kissed me again, told me that you enjoyed it, almost wouldn't let me leave," a small smile crosses Lisa's face at this point, "and I was happy, thought you liked me back. Then a few days later you got pissed at me and told you were only looking for a good fuck. And you know what, I nearly blamed myself. I actually hated you for a little while, I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it."
"Lis - "
"I said shut up," Lisa's tone is light but it's clear she's serious, "and then you promised you'd make it up to me, said we could see where it went. And honestly, those were some of the best weeks of my life, you made me feel wanted, you made me feel great about myself. I haven't felt that happy since long before the whole Nancy thing. And then when things got too serious, you broke it off. And I convinced myself that everything was going to be okay, convinced myself that I could move past this but it's difficult when you keep on telling me that I've still got a chance, and then turning away when things get difficult."
