Marvel (MCU only) Stories

If I Believe

Summary:

Peter isn't taking Tony's death well. He loses faith in the world and in himself. 

(Based off the song 'If I Believed' from Starkid's musical 'Twisted'

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"Heya, Peter," Tony casually leans against Peter's wall, arms crossed.

"Hey, Tony," Peter sits up in his bed.

"What are you doing, kid?"

"Nothing much, just working on homework," Peter gestures to the multitude of papers scattered across his sheets.

"Oh, nice. What subject?"

"History. It's so boring. Bucky and Steve have already taught me all of this."

Tony shakes his head in amusement. "Only a genius would complain about already knowing things."

Peter smiles. "I'm not a-"

There's a pounding on the outside of Peter's door. Tony freezes mid-movement.

"Peter, are you talking to yourself again? You need to stop that. Come down to the common room. We're having a movie night." Bucky calls gently.

His footsteps retreat when Peter doesn't respond.

Peter closes his eyes as Tony slowly dissolves as FRIDAY shuts off the projector. He wipes his eyes. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you."

He grabs the photo of himself and Tony off his bedside table, the same one he salvaged from Tony's house two years ago. Even though Pepper had offered, he didn't take any of Tony's other belongings. It didn't sit right with Peter for him to keep anything when Tony had a wife and daughter who deserved them more. The photo, though, Peter couldn't leave without. He didn't even know Tony had it.

It's been two years since Peter lost his mentor- no, his father figure. The pain has never gone away. People keep saying, "Time lessens all wounds." Peter thinks that is bullshit.
Twenty-four months later and still every night, Tony's death is repeated in Peter's dreams.

Morgan is doing spectacularly. She's thriving in the first grade. Pepper sends Peter updates and photos all the time. Peter loves watching Morgan grow up, looking more and more like Tony each day, but he can never see her face-to-face. He can't bear to look her in the eyes, knowing exactly how she feels.

Peter can't help but wonder if being plagued by nightmares is retribution for the Hell Tony must have gone through after Thanos Blipped Peter. He didn't do it on purpose, but he still left Tony.

Peter clutches the picture frame to his chest and rolls onto his side. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm sorry I failed you.

"I wish I could believe in wishes, as silly as they seem. If I did, I'd turn back time and save you," he whispers. He places the frame back onto his bedside table.

"But, I know wishes are dreams, and dreams are pretend. Dr. Strange says he can't reverse time to bring someone back from the dead. Bruce says there isn't a medical operation to bring someone back to life. They've tried. Science and reason win out in the end.

"Science says you're dead and gone forever. Reason says I'm talking to the air," he gestures to the projector. "But something in my heart," he clutches the fabric of his t-shirt above his heart, "illogically insists that you are here.

"If only I believe in wishes, perhaps it wouldn't be too late. Maybe I could change the course of fate."

He unfolds himself from his bed and stumbles to his closet. He leans his forehead against the wood and takes a few calming breaths. Breathing doesn't loosen the knot in his chest or stop the tears sliding down his face.

"I know I must be pretty great because you believed in me..." he slams his fist into the wall beside the door, overcome by emotions. "But I'm not great because I don't believe in wishes. I don't believe in dreams. I don't believe in magic or good, not anymore. Because magic and good weren't enough to save you, and wishes and dreams won't bring you back."

He opens his closet and yanks his Spider-Man suit off the hanger. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and rips the suit in two. A sob escapes him. The pieces of the first suit Tony ever made for Peter tumble to the floor in a crumpled heap.

"But most of all, I don't believe in myself."

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Words: 686

Published: 9/6/23

Also posted on AO3 (Jasper_Raid)