𝐂𝐈𝐆𝐀𝐑𝐄𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐒 & 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 - 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐆

21 | i'm not in love

I know that we're more than
Friends, friends, friends
⁺ 𓂋 𓈒

I walked beside Minho, his shoulder casually bumping into mine as we walked but I knew it wasn't casual at all. He just wanted to be close, he was usually like that after talking to his dad. It was different now, he wasn't upset as he sent me glances and a small smirk.

Walking into the lunch room, we didn't make it to the table as Maya came into our sight. Walking to me with a smile and grabbing my hand "Let's eat together" She pulls me away from Felix and Minho.

I look back and sent Felix an apologetic look as I invite him to sit with us today. My eyes then go to Minho who didn't catch my eyes as he walks to the table.

Maya wraps her arm around mine as we make it outside "Let's eat at the bleachers" she says, pulling me along. She sits down and starts pulling out two sandwiches "I made you one" She looks up at me with a smile "I-I just realized that I pull you away from your friends before you could eat and I feel bad"

I swallow harshly and sit down, "You didn't have to"

"I want to," She says immediately "Your my boyfriend now, let me do these things for you"

I look at her for a moment before nodding slowly. We ate in somewhat silence, mostly her ranting about her family. Maya was a lot more clingy since we slept together and I don't mean to sound like an absolute jerk but it was... smothering.

"Let's hang out after school?" She asks.

"I can't, I have therapy," I said.

"What about after therapy?" She tries again.

I thought for a moment before saying "My mom wants me home for dinner"

She frowns "Can I go over after?"

My jaw clenched and I sighed "Maya, please"

Maya looks away "I get it, I'm sorry" She apologizes "I'm being pushy, I'm always too pushy" She mutters.

I put my hand on her knee "Hey" She looks at me "I'm sorry, you don't apologize" I tell her "The real reason is that therapy drains me and I don't like to be around people after" or because after therapy I go to Minho's, either or.

She hugs me and I tense up, not expecting it but quickly hugging her back. "I'm so proud of you babe"

I knew what I was doing. I knew it was wrong and that I should tell her. She had the right to know about what happened between Minho and me last night but I didn't have it in me to break it to her. I wasn't even sure what I would say.

So I hugged her back and lied to her face, partially.

⁺ 𓂋 𓈒

"Before you ask, my day was... okay," I said, entering the room and sitting down.

She looked shocked that I hadn't said anything sarcastic. "Okay? Care to explain further?"

I sat there for a minute, battling in my head whether I keep it all in or try to recognize what I was feeling. I look down at my hands "Um—I have a girlfriend" I start, "She's someone I've had a crush on for so long and now we're dating"

"Is that not a good thing?"

I look up to my therapist and I nod "It is" I smile at her before it falters "I thought it was"

"What makes you think it's no longer a good thing?"

"I don't want to hurt her," I said immediately "I-I did something recently that will"

She leans forward in her chair "And what was that?"

"I kissed my best friend," I said, "And It didn't feel wrong to me"

"What did you feel when kissing your friend?" She asks.

I look down and shrug "Alive... safe"

"And kissing her?"

I look at her and shake my head "It doesn't matter what I feel when I kiss her. All you need to know is I feel more when I kiss my best friend than I do when I kiss my girlfriend and that confuses me so fucking much that I feel like I'm going insane" I yell at her.

"You're not going insane Jisung" She spoke gently "These are normal human feelings"

"Then tell me what they are"

She gives me a small smile "Well for starters, we all have crushes growing up. Do you realize that you knew little about your girlfriend before dating her? Wondering what it would be like to be with her and now that you have her, it's different"

I nod slowly "Exactly" I spoke lowly "I want to though, like her like I used to but I—I can't seem to connect to that part of myself anymore" I shake my head "But with him—my best friend"

"A lot of people fall in love with their best friends" She says "He gets you, accepts you, is always there when you need him. You like that—grew accustomed to him being there"

I let out a small embarrassed chuckle "I'm not in love with my best friend"

"But you care about him more than you think you should, you care about what he thinks, if he's doing well, who he's with if not with you—"

"Yeah, I get it but that's normal shit to care about, he's my best friend," I said, getting irritated that she was assuming and not listening to me.

I wasn't in love. I cared, okay. Minho was my family, I loved him but not... not like that.

⁺ 𓂋 𓈒

I walk into the familiar room and see Minho sitting at his desk. He turns his head to look at me as I walk in and lay on his bed.

Minho chuckles "Hi, good to see you too"

I turn my head to look at him "Do you think it's too late to switch therapists?"

He playfully hums "I don't think it's ever too late" he stands up and I notice him lean down to me, almost hesitating to kiss me, and decides against it as he lies beside me. Silence, again. He cleared his throat, "Maya was happy to see you today"

"Yeah," I said with a sigh.

Minho sits up and looks down at me, "I know you are confused with everything right now but if it's easier for you... we can um—put this behind us again" I furrow my brows and he continues "You can figure your shit out, I don't want to cause you more trouble"

"Yeah," Minho bit at his bottom lips and looked away, making me sit up and he looked at me. "No"

I lean to him and kiss his lips. It never felt like this would get old. The roaming butterflies I felt in my stomach were so much different from the anxious feeling I felt around Maya. He wasn't her. She wasn't him. Everything was different and I had nothing to compare.

Minho lays down as our lips never leave each other, his hands on my waist as I kiss him. I pull away and look into his eyes, Minho smiles at me softly—biting his bottom lip before saying "Have I told you that you looked extremely hot today"

I laugh loudly "You tell me that very often Minho"

He looks down at my lips "And I've always meant it" He grabs my face and I hum into the kiss, feeling him smile.

God, I could happily drown in this feeling.

[Now Playing - more than friends
by Isabel LaRosa]