All I am (Completed)

This time

I know that I'm one to tell stories so let me begin by telling you about Lucifer. From the moment I dreamed about him after the "accident," I knew I loved him.

Before Lucifer, there was M. He was my everything. It ended because he was in love with someone else. I knew that M was in love with her but I didn't think he would actually leave to be with her. I was the one he wanted and she was the one he loved. He said he loved me but I knew that was a lie. Maybe he did but it seemed like he was waiting for her. He was looking at her the way I wanted him to look at me.

I constantly think about his wavy blach hair and defined cheek bones. I was pathetic to think that he would stay with me instead of her. What have I got? He wouldn't stay with the suicidal bitch that causes him stress because of a life tragedy. M deserved to be happy. That's what everyone deserves.

M and I fought a lot. Mainly because we were into drugs together. I was determined to change for him but it was too much. We both went into an incredible relapse. There were times where we both had strength enough to help the other but we knew that together, our habits wouldn't change.

I met M in middle school and we were just friends. I had a crush on him and I never said anything about it. He was too caught up in waiting on Juliara. She was everything he wanted and I knew that I couldn't compare to that. I layed low and befriended him for a while. I learned more about him than I would have thought. True,I knew he used drugs then but I never thought that he would be so addicted he couldn't let it go. That's how I was. I craved it every second of the day. My body used more drugs than it was supposed to. I wanted to change. I fell in love with someone who craved it as much as I did and it only made my yearning for it stronger.

You know, I was always the type of kid to rock a blank expression, socially awkward, and no other kid want to mess with the Mental and physical abuse that I sucked up and dealt with. Nobody wanted to deal with the girl with the blood her arms. Then the day came when I finally knocked M's ass out and the pleasure in my heart was just screaming out 'Hell Yes.' From that point on, the misunderstood nobody became known and rebellious filled with veangeance and agression. My only desire was to submit others into opression, Maybe if instead of ignoring me you could've answerd my questions. Instead of leaving me here feeling retarded left guessing lost on a path I had no idea were it was headed, With no sense of purpose I feel like my pride was shamed and molested So everynight id pull out a flashlight skimming through the pages of a comic book admiring the heroes trying to let pain pass so fuck you if look to my past and laugh I had an upbringing were very few loved me Where very few hugged me Where very few looked at me like i could be something.

So I usually make the best out of less Try and take whats needed and leave the rest to the pest Honestly life was so much easier three years ago Hell, I look at the mirror and feel completly different from who I was just a year ago cause now I actually care, knowing I got people who want me there I've learned to accept that the power your loved ones bring you is truly a beautiful feeling but it cant always stop the stress that im dealing In the back of my head im shoving my palm in my face saying 'Shit how do i climb back up from this ditch where theres nothing here besides a darkness at its pitch' honestly all i can think is "oh man' "oh damn' How the hell am i suppose to evolve from the foot steps left by my old man I just wanna hear him say hes proud of me i could give a fuck about anyone doubting me unless were talking about her I lose all sanity if she looked at me like a loser and i'd probably die if i ever fucking lose her so far ive done nothing but fuck up Its fucked up but hey the truth hurts So many times i wanted to call it quits but ill be damned to see my crew hurt. So I wont give up, Just take it all in and fucking live up. I'm going to do what i need to whether you except, resent, or respect this is it pulling out the cards and my decks laid Faced with no other options its either check out or checkmate.

The reason for this change was the shit that I did. I knew that M wanted Juliara, I knew that when I got involved with him. I thought to myself, why the fuck would he choose the suicidal bitch over the pretty social queen? No one uses a pawn when they have a king. It was all chess. He wanted me but I wasn't at my best. If she could just go away then I could have what I wanted. I couldn't blame her though. It was all his fault.

He made me fall in love with him just to leave me on like a faucet. He came by and told me that he will have feeling for me but he felt that we weren't the best thing for each other. I already knew that but he was all I wanted. I knew we could make it work. Why the fuck wouldn't he try?

Juliara came to her senses and she kissed him. She apologized and he forgave her. I was left looking like the dumb desperate bitch. There was no way I was going to take that.

I told him I was fine about the break up. I felt calm. I loved him and hoped he would be happy with her. A few weeks later they were kissing in the hallways the way we used to. He touched her how he touched me. I felt betrayed. He took her to our restaurant. I hated seeing her happy with him and I hated seeing that she made him happier than I did.

I asked him one night to be a friend and help me with something. I was grieving his love and their new beginning. Lucifer asked me "not getting soft are we? I expected better Hel. Make them pay my love." Its not like I didn't want to because I did. I have no idea what came over me.

We got to the movie theatre and watched a movie about a woman who falls in love with her student. I don't remember much about the movie but I do remember how I felt. I was angry. I loved him. I hated him.

He walked me home and apologized yet again for leaving me. I told him that I knew I was just a piece of ass until he could get Juliara.

"That's a fucking lie and you know it. I love you!"

"Then why aren't we together?"

He held my hand and kissed it. I looked away, my eyes were getting watery. He guided me To my room and whispered that it was complicated. What could possibly be complicated? If he loved me he would have stayed. He would have tried. But he didn't.

As if hearing my thoughts he said, "you knew all of this when we were together and before. Why did you stay?"

"Because, I didn't wanna leave you like everyone else. I love you."

His eyes widened and he kissed me. I was shocked. So he did love me. "While I'm alive, I love her but the thing is I love you. I wish I met you first."

With that, his hand slid up my shirt and unhooked my bra. My breath quickened to his touch, its been a while since he touched me like that.

That night, we had sex. I loved it but then I remembered that the next day he would go back to her. I crawled out of bed trying not to wake him up. He stirred and asked "where are you going?"

I couldn't help the tears. I held the knife with both hands behind me. I hated him. I loved him. I was so confused.

"I'm sorry" I said before I brought it down to his chest. He gasped for air as soon as the blade pierced his skin. "I'm not one to say that 'if I can't have you no one else can' but M, if I can't have you, no one else can."