To my Dearest Friend

A crude decision

I look out of the window. 'Emile.' I turn around, it's my father. I smile. 'What is it?' He asks. 'Nothing' 'your new friend seems rather, how shall I say it, blue.' I nod, 'He misses his sweetheart.' He looks at me, a bit surprised. 'Oh, he has a sweetheart?' I nod. 'Sort of, his best friend, I suspect he loved him. He still loves him.' he nods. 'I get it.' He says. I nod, the 'I'm competing with Yves, somebody he has known for years. how would anybody win that? No one could ever.' My father sighs. 'let me guess, Yves is just as charming as his father is he not?' I nod. 'I will never be the one he truly desires, but you know what?' I feel a tear in sy eye. 'I don't even care.' 'Why not?' 'I'm lucky to have somebody like Cyril. I couldn't wish for more." 'Are you sure about that?' He asks. I see Cyril ridding a horse in the garden. 'I am' I smile.

'Good morning! I say smiling. He smiles back. 'Good morning darling' he kisses me, which surprises we me. 'So what did you do this early in the morning?' I ask 'I climbed a small mountain with Christian.' I smile. 'you look beautiful today.' He says while getting off his horse. 'I like the colour of pink you're wearing.' the pink is extremely light so it almost looks white. I smile. 'Thank you Cyril.' 'Hey, I thought about us. I decided I want to be undeniably yours Émile. I see a future with you. Maybe even here.' I feel my face light up. 'Really?' He nods. 'Really.' I bite my lip 'what about Yves?' 'He is simply my best friend Émile. Don't worry. I love you, I promise.' I smile. 'I love you too.'

Yes, I'm aware this is a big step. but I cannot have the life I want with Yves and here, It's so extremely easy. How is that possible? I don't want to know. So if I can't have my life with Yves I shall have a life shared not in complete secret with the next best thing. My new heart. Émile, my Émile. In Still it feels like a lie when I tell him but I'm willing to lie for a life I wish to have, for a life with somebody I love, I almost love as much as Yves.

A few years ago

'No! I refuse! you will not do that Cyril! It is a hazard to both your own safety and mine.' It's my father why would it be a safety hazard?' He kneels in front of the chair I'm sitting in. He is visibly crying. 'We are not normal cyril, I love you with my whole heart but I will never tell my parents. You never know who will rat you out.' 'Bosie told his father too.' I say. 'Oscar and Bosie have a different view on things like this.' 'Please, I don't want to hide us.' 'But we could land in prison. You know that.' 'I don't care, as long as I can love you.' Yves is now fully crying. 'I cannot live without you. I don't want to be seperated. Please don't tell. your father.' 'He is my father Yves I can decide what he knows.' he looks up. 'Are you ashamed of me?' I ask. 'Why would I be?' he asks. I shake my head. 'Sorry that was unnecessary." 

Yves was right, I was thankful I had not did not say his name yet when he exploded. He was so angry. I have hardly seen anything like it. The only reason he did not rat me out is because I am his only remaining family. It would ruin both our fortune and our image. He barely knows me, half of my childhood he wasn't there, I would bet my life that he has seen other women while on his trips. I don't know what is worse, loving somebody or being unfaithful, but my mom knew it. She did not care, was she supposed to care? In the bible it says so. I've always had a hard time understanding marriage. Yves says that the most important thing about it is either the tax benefit or the love you have for the other. I have never seen a marriage where they seem to love one another. Yves says I'm clumsy with all things related to love. He says I seem to be a bit of an uninhibited person when it comes to love. He may be right. But I don't care I might've been wrong about telling my father about Yves but I know that I love Yves. wholeheartely. And I always will.