To my Dearest Friend

I'm sorry

two months earlier.

I ring the bell. No one opens the door. I ring again. 'Cyril, I know you're in there.' Cyril opens the door, only wearing a evening robe. I sigh. I walk into the living room, several young men are sitting there. I sigh again. 'Cyril, you are not thinking clearly. Let's sober up and go to bed.' I say softly. Cyril smiles and shakes his head. One of the boys walks towards us, he even looks like me, what kind of twisted mind does Cyril have? The boy kisses Cyril. I feel my hate oozing in my whole body. He walks towards me and start pulling on my coat. 'Stop it, I am not willing to participate in something like this when I don't love the other' the boy smiles and responds: 'Love is simply wanting to belong.' the boy looks me in the eye. My whole stomach is in a knot. He kisses me. I look at him in disgust. 'You are a hopeless romantic.' He says smirking. 'Of course he is,' Cyril says, 'He is an amateur writer.' I feel a sting in my heart. I walk out of the room. I start walking away. I feel tears on my face but I ignore them. Why me? I hear cyril behind me. 'Yves, come on' The boys laugh. I feel a sting as I see Cyril is also laughing. I grab my hat and walk away. 

As I'm walking through the fields or his estate I hear his rushed footsteps behing me. 'yves, wait, you're no fun!' I turn around. 'Seriously? I am no fun? You are just completely unhinged!' He looks at me but I don't stop. My tears are rolling down my chin. I am angry, I am furious. 'I have never complained about your moral or sexual escapades. I don't care who you kiss, I don't care who you decide to choose as your partner for the night. But I do care that you do not have the nerve to respect me. You ridiculed me. I can't believe you think that is normal to do. I have let a lot go but her this is where I draw the line. And maybe.' I laugh desperately. 'I am not good enough for you. Maybe, Feel free to help yourself to anybody dear Cyril. But I want to be the only one you truly love and I promised that to you. Perhaps you did not promise that to you but if so speak now.' He doesn't respond. 'And everytime this happens you're sorry. Have you ever been sorry at all! I've told you I loved you so many times and you have never said it back, in those exact words. And I know I'm not easy, I know I come with strings, I know I'm hard to read. But I need, no, I want somebody who can confidently love me.' I see he's crying. 'Oh cyril I did not' but before he can say anything he's running back to the mansion. I put my hand in my hair. I always need to weigh my words on a golden plate. The rain hits my face and I can't do anything except standing here and cry.

I ring the bell again. This time he opens it with a bottle in his and. 'Can I come in?' he shrugs. I grab the bottle. He doesn't say anything. 'I'm sorry, I should have thought before saying things like that.' I say. He doesn't respond. I sigh as I take a away the bottle. 'I'm truly sorry.' He still doesn't look up. It's like he is not in this world. I feel like I'm talking to a ghost.I take a deep breath. 'I know it's my fault. Sorry, I shouldn't have reacted the way I did.' He takes my hand. 'It's alright, we'll be fine' I don't think that everything was fine. I felt guilty about my sudden explosion for months.