To my Dearest Friend

A song and breathing

tw: mild sexual themes and metions of SA

Yves montague

Katherina has thrown a party, It's not the most normal party I must say it's wild to see how different these people act when they're in a safe setting. They were all so stiff at the bals I have seen them. It is certainly interesting to see it. I smile, my friends Leo, Florian and Oskar, are thorougly enjoying themselves, but I should have known they would, Dancing in a manner I am not used to and laughing, playing music and more. There seems to be so much joy here but also a suffocating smoke of lust. I smile as Katherina dances like a flame in the wind, her hair blooms on the beats of her feet. I sigh and frown, I must say that however much I like her there are things that I don't appreciate about her. She is sometimes overly spoiled and seems to feel like she's worth more than others. But what can I expect, she is vastly wealthy. I also have this irrational fear that she is only using me as a way to be loved for a month, that she plans on discarding me as soon as I am not interesting anymore. Well, if that is the truth she is most welcome to. I smile but decline as she invites me onto the dancefloor. Akiva who insisted on going with me look intently at me and nods, as if to say go for it. Akiva  only wanted to go with me to keep an eye out for me but he seems to really enjoy it, I am happy for him.

I step onto the dance floor and dance with her, this reminds me of the one time I jokingly danced with Eleanor behind the manok while everyone ws being perfectly civil inside. I chuckle, it seems I have a type. I don't want to invite the other memory in out I can't help to think about the one time I took Cyril to a dancehall. That was a beautiful night, I was so happy back than. COuld I be happy again? I could be happy again.We start to dance, she feels light as a feather as we dance. I feel a grin of happiness on my face.

the music dies down, I hear Oskar screaming out of the blue. 'Yves sing something english for us!' I laugh and decline but the whole company of people keep insisting. I laugh and think for a moment. My mother used to sing the rose of tralee, and yes that is technically irish, I used to sing it to Frances and Cyril altough I hated roses. I smile and start singing.

There are tears in my eyes and dread in my voice but most people would not be able to hear that. I smile as I sing the refrain. 'T'was not her beauty alone that won me.' I look at Katherina who's eyes are shining it the beautiful candlelight as I sing it, I can't help but smile. The very same gleam, the same eyes as my heart, my cyril. My heart aches as I sing 'Oh no! it was the truth in her eyes ever beaming. That made me love Kathy' I would always switch the name, I would sing about Cyril and now apparently about Kathy, 'The rose of Tralee.' The room erupts in clapping and screaming as I kiss katherina and she looks me deep in the eye with a genuinely joyous expression. And for a moment I share that joy. I brought the joy to her. could she be the thing that will save me? Perhaps she will be. What a joy she is.

'Let's find some privacy.' She says with a smile. She leads me up the stairs. 'Katherina it's your party'. I say chuckling. 'I'm sure they won drop dead.' She responds with a smirk. 'You'll never know for sure.' I say jokingly. She leads me to a beautiful room, there are a lot of sage green datails. I look at the details of the room, they're elegant but a bit on the nose. Not very subtle in my opinion not subtle enough, but I do love the room. She grabs my hand and starts kissing me,

 'That was a truly beautiful song Yves.' She whispers as she unties my cravat. 'I am glad you liked it. I say trying to make eye contact but she is focused on the cravat. 'you have a beautiful singing voice Yvie' she says and I smile while pushing her hands away. 'Katherina I don't  think we should be do..' she puts her finger on my lips and says. 'My dear Yves, you think far too much.' She puts my hand on her hips and looks me in the eye. 'Society has strange rules, that doesn't mean we need to follow them' she says while walking me to the bed and starting to unbutton my shirt. 'Katherina I just think' I stutter, I can't find the words to explain it but those words would be wasted because she doesn't listen as she kisses me in my neck. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

She leans on me which result in me sitting down on the bed as she takes off her clpthes. I feel a sting of memory when she begins to touch my chest and back. Those same sort of hands, the same way she would touch me, the same way I feel obligated, suffocated, I am not sure if the trembling is only in my mind but or also in real life. I feel frozen into time just like I was all those years ago. It feels like I can't breathe as I am not sure which face I am seeing is real. Is it Katherina or is it her?  My whole body aches as she touched it, and it's not physically I think. It's just such a reminder of that witch... I cannot feel  and it is as if I can't speak and I am not even sure if she would listen. my lungs become a vaccuum of unsaid words and my stumach ties itself into a knot as her hand descends, stop it, I think. Please stop.

'Stop' I whisper, but it seems like she did not hear. it feels like a fire ignites and recovers my ability to talk again. 'Stop it' I say as I push her away. I feel the tears streaming from my eyes but I immediately dry them. 'Yves, I am sorry' She say, begging me to forgive her for something she isn't even aware of doing. I grab my clothes and swiftly put them on. I feel my hands tremble. 'I am sorry Katherina, I can't.....' I stammer. 'I can't' What can't? Yves tell me, that is what I have been asking myself. 'I am sorry' I say while leaving the room and running down the stairs and. I wrap my jacket tightly around me compressing the lungs which are filled with frozen waters of fear. I run out of the door unto the cold streets of Vienna. I can't breathe...