To my Dearest Friend

Was it ever easy?

Cyril Courtenay

I put on a jacket. It's black, a colour I do not like to wear. But perhaps it will make me seems more normal to my father. I hope so at least, but what is hope but a delusion. I chuckle bitterly, I sound like him. I grab the pair of scissors. I look at my halflong hair, it's always been the same cut as Yves, just a little more wavy. Perhaps I will be able to forget him if I pretend we never met. I had never thought about wearing my hair like that before I met him, of course as a young boy I used to. But when I met him I chose to let it grow again. The snip of the scissors sounds like my heart breaking at the first curls fall unto the ground, the delusion of returning to him seems to shatter. I look in the mirror and do not recognise myself. I feel a tear fall onto the hair strands. I am sorry Yves. I do not want to forget you, but it seems I must.

Yves Montague

I wonder why my father comes into my room every morning, he just sits there for hours on end. And even though I do not know the intention or reason it is still the most heartfelt thing he has ever done for me. I might act like I hate it when he comes in but my heart feels a bit warmer everytime he comes in. Telling me to eat, asking if I want something to read, telling me what kind of weather it is, bringing books into the room while I haven't asked for them. He still has hope I will be alright, even if he knows better he tries. It is strange that I feel like he loves me, it's strange that he seems to only be able to express his love when I am in the darkest place I have ever been, but still,  it helps a lot. It almost makes me feel like I finally have a home.

I am finally at home in my own home, I welcome an unwanted tear on my cheek. My father comes in and for the first times in about two weeks I sit up and look up at him, he smiles and hands me a plate with a sliced orange. I thank him. He just sits there looking at me, almost lovingly, proud? It's like he studying something he has always admired but could never get close to. I can't place that expression on his face and I wonder if Frances would be able to tell the meaning.

'Are you feeling a bit better' He asks, I shrug as I am savouring the tart taste of the orange. The tangy taste tickles my tongue as the juice soothes my stomach which has been begging for food. He smiles. I notice the little creases around his eyes, I don't think I've ever seen that, have I ever seen my father's genuine smile? I am not sure, but when he smiles it feels like you have just consumed hot choclate. It makes you feel warm inside, it feel like a reward for something you haven't done.

'Frances and Eleanor are planni to go iceskating, I've invited Akiva and those two boys.' my father says, I frown 'who?' I ask. 'Those two boys you provide for.' My eyes widen, how does he know that. 'How did you?' He smirks, 'I am just a tiny bit smarter than you might think Yves.' 'Is enoch also coming?' I ask. He nods, 'Why?' he asks tirlting his head ever so slightly, as if he is embarresd to do it. I chuckle 'I was wondering how alright I need to be not to cause any concern.' 'So that means you are coming?' My father asks. 'What about you papa? I respond. He looks at me, surprised by the question. 'I didn't plan, but perhaps I should' 'When we were young you'd be so good at ice skating.' He smiles. 'Only If I can find my skates.' he respond with a kind smile.

I walk into the cold field. There Frances is waiting for me. 'Yves' She screams. I see tears in her eyes and she runs and hugs me. I hug her oh so tight, I don't want to let her go. I bury my nose in her hair, her strange unruly hair, the hair I used to braid for her, the hair that I could recognise by smell texture or even only colour. 'I'm,,, I am sorry' I whisper as the rain that is produced my soul is released unto my cheeks. 'Don't be, you're here now.' She says while caressing my face. I feel a tear flowing onto her hand. 'I thought I would lose you.' she whispers while putting her forehead against mine, her breathing is faster than normal, I do not know if that is the running or her saddness. I shake my head. 'Never Frances.' She nods and looks at me from behind her eyelashes. I hold her cheeks and wipe away her cold tear. 'Never.'

Frances and Enoch arrive. Eleanor first hugs me which surprises me. 'It's good to see you again! She says with a smile. Enoch hugs me too. 'Have you received my letters?' I ask he nods and thanks me for them. I smile. 'Are we complete?' Eleanor asks I shake my head. And there they are akiva and the boys.

'Ezra! Charlie!' They both scream my name and I pick them up. 'I am so happy to see you lot!!' I say with a bright smile. 'Look how you've grown!' I say to charlie, 'Astonishing right?! Ezra says. "Frances, Eleanor, Enoch, meet Ezra and charlie.' they all wave semi-awkardly. I chuckle 'Charlie, Ezra, this is my sister and these are my friends.' They both nod and shake hands. Akiva greets all the people and looks at me with a proud smile. My father comes out of the manor, he is carrying some extra skates. 'This is my father' I say to the boys. They make a little reverance but my father only laughs and shakes their hand. 'It's the delightful to meet the little montagues.' I smile. 'Here, I have some skates for you two. I hope they fit.' They thank him with a lot of gratitude.

We are walking through the snow to the lake. 'Yves.' my father says under his breath. look at him. 'I wish I could erase all my mistakes. I promise that I love you and I have loved you.' I take a deep breath. 'I think eventually everything will be fine pappa.' I see tears in his eyes. 'put I see you with those two I realise that it couldn't have been that hard. I should've.....' 'We all should've  done a million things we haven't done.' I respond. 'Do you really think that Yves?' I smile. 'Forgiveness isn't easy father, but sometimes we really need it and sometimes the most important thing is forgiving ourselves.' he nods.

'Yves can you help with putting on the skates.' Charlie asks. 'May I?' my father asks I nod. I look at him as he sweetly explains how to tie them to charlie. Akiva hugs me from the side and I have hope that everything will be alright. as my father teaches the boys to skate and I see the heavenly stars in the eyes of Frances as she looks at Eleanor clumsily skating. I know that glow all too well and it's oh so beautiful but extremely dangerous. My mother looks at us from a distance. I smile, we all have hope. We do. We are here, my whole family is here. The only one missing is my Cyril. I wish him the best, but why couldn't it with me?