To my Dearest Friend

Close the curtains

Eloise Montague

When Yves was twelve he ran away from home. I was busy with writing at a friends house and Emma was keeping an eye out for me she was also suppopsed to teach him that day, as always. Yves knew about it. Everything was going smoothly till I heard there was a problem with Yves or rather the lack of his presence. When I arrived home as soon as I could I heard he had run away, Mathieu said not to worry and that he'd be back eventually. In his words we needed to let Yves be a boy. And yes, it was not uncommon for yves to disappear for a day without saying where he would be, I had become pretty used to it but this time he had taken his favourite clothes and books, as if he did not plan to return. I have never been more scared in my life.

We found out through Frances that he was planning to take the train. So the most likely scenario was that he's be on king's cross. And yes, that was exactely where we found him. I must confess I have never asked why he did it. I only scolded him for doing it and worrying everyone. He did not talk to me on the way home the only words were the tears in his eyes. I always assumed it was because I had scolded him.

Now that I am waiti for him I wonder why he did and I can't help but remember it. I was just as nervous as I am now. could my only son be in danger? Could my child be unhappy? My child is unhappy, and I know it. I know it well, I am unhappy too. But still it makes me question why if he is unhappy. The world is tailored to men, he has everything I would hope for in a son. I want to see his bright smile, I want him to tell me that he is doing well although he might not be. I want to shift the blame so somebody else. I want to have deniability. I am an awful mother, and still I cannot describe how much I love this boy. I scold myself for not stepping up. but it's not like my children were ever my goal in life. I chuckle to myself, look at me now. I am just a wife, a mother, a nobody but my husband's name. I curse myself for loving that man.

The train arrives. I look for my little Yves in the crowd when I spot him. 'Yves!! I say, raising my voice slightly. Akiva and Yves walk up to me, Yves gives me a hug, but it feels devoid of emotion. It feels lik a curtesy he is doing for me. 'I am happy to see you Yves." I say with a smile and I look in his eyes which seem perpetually focused on the ground. He looks up and smiles faintly barely moving his lips.

'what a surprise to see you nere mother.' He says. Strangely his voice does have his normal emotions. I wonder how he does it. But anyone who knows him would could see he has shut off all the aspects himself.

the whole way to the manor he doesn's say anything. He only looks despondently out of the window. 'So, How was Vienna?" I ask with a smile. He shrugs. When he we arrive the only thing he does is greet Frances with a hug and a smile but after that he says he is sleepy, and disappears into his room.

Mathieu looks at me as I want to follow him, 'Don't' he says, grabbing my arm, softly but still firm. 'He's my son too.' I say angrily 'I don't care, he's also my son for your infortmation and I think I understand what he needs right now and right now, It isn't someone who wants him to explain every aspect of his misery.' I scoff and enter the room, Yves is laying on his bed, the curtains are draw. 'Go away' he says 'Yves?' 'Can't you hear me I said Go away!'

mathieu Montague

He did not come down for dinner. I grab some of the leftovers and walk up the stairs. I enter the room, there's no sound, light or spirit in the room, except the panicked breathing of the curled up ball in the bed. I sit down on a chair near the bed. 'I've brought you food'. I say. 'I am not hungry' he answers shortly while turning his back to me. I smile, 'That may be so Yves, it does not mean you can avoid eating.' He doesn't respond. 'At least drink a g;ass of water'. he doesn't respond. The way he has formed himself into the little ball of sadness and misery reminds me of the time when he was baby or a toddler. I put my hand on his soft hair but he instantly flinches and I take my hand back immediately, not wanting to cause any more agony. 'I'm sorry' I wisnper. I am not sure if he has even hear as he does not respond. I an put the plate on the dresser and leave room.

I wonder what happened, I think I can guess. but I don't want to. I feel a tear in my eyes and I am surprised to see it falling. I don't cry, I don't feel. but I have never wanted to see my son so broken, altough have helped to make it that way. It just breaks me how much damage I have done. If I would have been a better father would Yves be less heartbroken? Probably not? But he would have a home where he feels safe enough to feel that way. What do I have to do with this. I don't understand the erratic way my head is thinking right now.

the next morning I am reading a book. Eleanor and Frances are doing something outside. Those two are inseperable, they seem like sisters. Enoch is in the library. Yves hasn't come down for breakfast. I wonder if he'll leave his room at al today. My prediction is that he will not. 'Sir mántague?' I turn around 'Yes Enoch?' 'I heard Yves is back, may I see him?' 'He's awfully tired but it can't hurt to ask am I right?' He chuckles. 'Right you are sir.'

I open the doors, it's morbidly cold in the room. Yves is standing by the window, looking down on the garden. 'I am not hungry.' He says. I smile, 'I could have guessed that. But that wasn't my question. Enoch wants to see you' He shakes his head, 'Tell him I will write to him.' I nod and bring enoch the news, who seems utterly disappointed.

That day Akiva arrived unexpectedly, he talks with eloise for time and gose to the room. 'He doesn't want visitors.' I say to him but Akiva only smiles. 'Thank you for the information' he says as he opens the door and enter his room. I wonder if I could ask him why this is, what happened, how I can help my son. I feel so powerless, that's why I hate it. I always need to have this control. This is so foreign to be me. How do I get control over it? How do I help my son?