To my Dearest Friend

Lying

'He's writing a book.' I say to Eloise. She doesn't respond.  'Don't you think it will damage our families legacy Eloise?' She shrugs. 'Is that child not our legacy? it is not ours Mathieu, It is his legacy, his choice. We already made our legacy mathieu, we chose the path of inconspicious people. He chooses to be himself. Something you could have never dreamed of having the courage to do.' I look at her. 'When have you ever shown any courage yourself Eloise, don't act like you don't have thousand of unfinished novels you have been writing laying around. Never to be published.' She stands up. 'That does not require courage, I know who I am mathieu, even if the world does not know, I don't lie to myself. You are a coward, every day you are convincing yourself you are not what you are afraid to be. I don't publish as an act of self-preservance, denying yourself is an act of self hatred, my dear husband.' I look at her. 'Isn't marrying me also an act of self hatred?' I ask. She looks me in the eye. 'Perhaps it was.' I smile. 'It was not self hatred was it?' She turns around to walk away. 'Don't flatter yourself.' I grab her arm. 'Why did you even marry me?' I ask. 'Why did you condemn your self to a solemn life of torture?' I ask again. I see tears in her eyes. I let go of her arm. 'Don't act like you don't know I have loved you. Even with your flaws.' She answers. I feel tears in my eyes. She grabs my face, firm but softly. She puts her forehead to mine. Our noses softly touch. I feel a tear on my cheek. 'I have loved you, no matter what I will love you, in my own way.' 'I am so sorry Eloise.' I whisper. 'Don't' she softly says. Why has she always been the wise one? when I was young I strived to know everything now I believe ignorance is bliss. It is but it doesn't stop the constant hunger of wanting to know why. how did she acquire these answers and when and why did I stop looking for them. I look at her. 'I am so sorry.' 'Stop apologising, I chose this life, I married you, with your problems, your beauty, everything, the fair and the ugly.' 'But I've only ever shown you the ugly.' She smiles, she's crying. 'You did not, not any other man could make me as happy as you do.' I feel guilty, there are plenty of people that make me happier than eloise. 'You also make me as happy as can be,' I say to her. I still lie to myself

Akiva is listening to me. I'm laying on a divan. 'Why do I worry so much about him? why do I still love him?' 'Why would you not want to love him?' Akiva asks. I sigh. 'He replaced me, I don't want to love somebody who broke my heart once.' 'Do you think that you might have done something wrong in his eyes?' 'I always did things wrong, I am human.' I say. That was the weird thing with him, he would be happy, reckless, but it would turn into a strom of baad decisions. He would be reckless, with the worst things, he would do stupid things, he would be so reckless. I always felt the need to protect him from himself. But he would have sexual escapades and every time he would do it I would feel more hurt. it was like he was taunting me. Two months before he left I exploded. But after that I apologised, it was okay, we moved on. He promised....