To my Dearest Friend

not love, just care

Yves montague

It is strange to live in a house without my parents, while still being socially acceptable. But I don't think I've ever been so content with my life, no I am not strictly happy with it but I'm.....living. And that's something I haven't been doing for a long yime, So it feels refreshing not to shield myself from society, although I still fear that I will be turning into my father. Every morning I see myself and realise Iook a lot like him and although he is kind to me he used to be cold. I don't want to be cold, ever.

I smile while I look down at the estate where the boys are playing tennis. Eleanor and I decided not to have a honeymoon yet, we've been inviting a lot of friends over to the, no, our estate the last few weeks. Frances basically lives here (so she can be with her dear Eleanor) and the boys oficially live here. Cyril visit every other day and my parents visit ocassinally. It feels like I've found a compromise with society and my heart. Eleanor is a bright woman, she writes absolutely brilliantly, we have shared writing room and we help eachother a lot. My novel has been doing great in bookstores, I am so proud. It feels like I've found my place after such a long time.

Although.....I smile while I open a medallion, there are two pictures in there, a picture of the boys and one of frances and my Cyril. I take a breath, my heart can't let go of his soul, it's wrapped in it's vines, tangled up in it's web, lost at it's sea. It's like they're threads intertwining but lonely when we try to untie them. I despise the fact that he is the one living in my dreams, I hate the fact that I want him to walk beside me all the time, leading me in the darkness we both cannot see.

I hate the fact that I've giving up on him, Have I given up on him? I see his a lot more than when he was in france, is this my fault? why do I need him? but then I'm reminded that even if he wouldn't love me, if he would hate me with all his being, with all his might, all his power,  I would continue to love him, I would forgive him. Listen to this, in a world like this you must think of self preservation. Not of love, even if you wanted it, I put the meddalion back in my breastpocket. next to my heart.

The bell rings, I smile. I invited a lot of people over for dinner, Cyril in also coming but he needs to leave a little early. I open the door. 'You're early Émile' I say with a smile as I hug him. 'Yes, I apologise, need to get used to the british timing and ettiquette here.' He says with a beaming smile. 'Don't worry, today is nothing official.' I say. Émile has decided to live in England for a while, his father is also staying for a while, but that is mostly for business, at least for now.

After a while everyone has arrived. I look in Cyril bleak eyes, they have never fully recovered from paris, He seems happy. Is he happy? I hope he is. I look at my family as they sit around the beautiful table. And for a moment I wish my lige would consist of only happy dinners with these beautiful people, Eleanor, my beautiful wife. Enoch, a brilliant student. Akiva, the best teacher. Frances, the most talented painter in the world. Émile, somebody who is so alright with being different. Ezra, a brighter and happier version of my yougner self. Charlie, a child who still sees all the joy. My father, evidence people can change. My mother, my everlasting support and than my Cyril, still the one I love most.

Cyril Courtenay

I have a genuine smile on my face as the coversations around the table the bounce from subject to subject. I look on on my pocketwatch. 'Yves, in a few minutes I should be leaving' I say. He nods and stands up. 'Would you like to see some of the new flowers?' I smile and nod. He takes me into the garden. It's slowly getting darker and darker, I have always loved twilight, it has something so incredibly magical. He shows nm some of the flowers. He gives se a cigarette, and lights it.

 'So cyril, how have the last weeks been for you?' I take a deep breath, how do I explain this. I don't right? I just shut all my emotions down. 'Not bad at all, my sunlight, I'm so happy to be able to see you again. But the fact that I'm married is rather strange.' He chuckles 'You have no idea just how bizarre it is.' He says while letting the smoke escape hic mouth, I envy his beauty and the the way the smoke caresses his mouth. 'Are you thinking about marriage?' He asks. I chuckle and shake my head but my eyes express another feeling. 'That is truly a question I thought would never leave your mouth Yvie. I couldn't, marriage is not fit for me sunlight.' I answer as I look him in his beautiful eyes.

'It is not fit for me either my rain,' He answers, with a slight break through his ever so calm voice. I am reminded that I am not the only one with a heart out of glass as I see the gleaming of crystals in his eyes. 'I would've never ever thought I would be so strangely content in a marriage. Eleanor expects nothing but mutual respect of me. I don't feel love for her but I feel...l feel care, I think' he says, in a loving voice. I envy eleanor. I nod, 'But don't you deserve to love?' I asks, He chuckles, 'On my dear foolish Uyril. I love more than enough'

My smile fades, I don't know what to say to this. How do I respond. How is it normal to respond to this, am I even interpreting this correctly? Does he still love me? Or am I imagining this? He looks at me, the little stars in his eyes say a lot, I notice he is still wearing my signet ring. I smile, I hate how I've broken this man, I hate how I've betrayed him, but how I love him. I love him more than I'll ever love myselff. He looks me in the eye and softly traces his finger though my short hair.

A question escapes my mouth. 'can I kiss you?' his smile faden, 'I'm sorry, I disn't mean to ask, I'll leave' I say immeditaly, extremely embarresed. I walk away when I feel a hand pull pulling me back, his familiar lips brush mine with a burning sensation of forgiveness and a bittersweet component. Both of our tears mix in this loving embrace.

 I look up at him, 'Why?'  I ask, he looks at me with an adoration that will never be achieved by any other person I know. 'You fool, because I love you, I have loved you and I can and will not stop'. He smiles and looks on his watch, 'You need to hurry my rain.' he pecks me on the lips and walks towards the manor. I'm left with this warming feeling in my heart, the feeling I've missed, I have missed him so much, I missed us.