First Kisses Are Never Forgotten

Chapter 40

AARON

"Crash!"

The glass that was in my hand crashes into our fridge. My fridge.

I can't breathe.

My heart hurts, it physically hurts. I put my hand on it to try to ease the pain, but I remember I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to ease any pain I'm feeling. I should feel all of it.

I should feel pain from how she held her tears when I humiliated her and walked out of here holding her head high even though all she wanted to do was to break down.

I should feel the pain when I saw the last drop of hope and innocence being sniffed out of her eyes by my words.

I should feel the pain I felt from stopping myself to going on my knees and begging her to forgive me for everything I said and that I love her.

I wanted to tell her I would never hurt her again, nothing would ever hurt her again, I would keep her in my arms forever and never leave.

I should feel the pain of letting her go to protect her. I should feel the pain of destroying my own life and killing myself this way, because I'm dead. I might be still breathing but I'm not living.

My life started with having Addison, and it ended with pushing her away.

I should feel all the pain I caused today and more. I should for the both of us and more.

I turn around and punch my tall, glass cupboard, my hand goes through it and touches the old violets inside. I grab them and squeeze them until they are little fragments.

This is what happens to everything I touch. This is what happened to Addison. I did that to her, because I couldn't find another way, because I couldn't protect her.

I took the easy road again like she said but this time I lied to myself and her. I lied and gave her the worst reason I could ever give her.

Addison's always proud of herself for her reputation, I would rather use that against her here in our home, than have a lying bastard tarnish her reputation and her hard work in that article.

My breathing cuts and comes back and I'm feeling dizzy. I lay on the ground and let the water swallow me. I'm back in the ocean, rain is falling on me and this time...this time thunder and lightning are both here.

I take my panic attack and close my eyes. I drown under the water and hold my breath. All while seeing Addison's broken face in front of me. I don't deserve her tears, I am not worth them. I don't deserve her fight or even her anger. I am not worthy of her or anything she gives.

I only deserve what I got from her. I deserve indifference. I am worthy of nothing from her.

I have my first panic attack and go to the second. I scream and shout at myself at how much of a helpless idiot I am.

I curse myself for hurting her when I should've been the one to protect her, to give her the whole damn world. I curse myself for not finding a way out of this and not realizing that my Coach is the worst person ever sooner.

I curse myself for making her love me and for loving her. I curse myself for not jumping out of this balcony right now because I still want her. I still love her. I still need her.

I will never be in her life again, but walking the same earth as her has to be enough, because it is my punishment and I deserve to be punished.

As much as this punishment will torment me , I will endure it because It will also be my only source of life, my lifeline will be being with her from afar. Very far.

My third panic attack starts and my body gives out from exhaustion.

I fell asleep and woke up before the match started. I only have half an hour before it starts. I drive my car and go to the coach's office.

He sees my face and smiles a disgusting, greedy smile which looks like a snarl. He tosses me the real estate contract and I take it. Then I turn, and head to the showers. I change and pray today ends and I wake up tomorrow from this nightmare.

But I know I won't.

Because this isn't a nightmare. It is my life.

I turned my life into my worst nightmare and I can't blame anyone except myself.

I can't fix it and I can't take it back.

I'll live in this nightmare forever. I deserve this.