Ruins of Autumn

25• He Will Hate Me.

    More pessimistic than the past few days that she would get any notification from him, Leonora reached out to the black wooden bedside table on her left and picked up her phone to check if there were any messages from Blerimi, but nothing yet.
 
    She knew that she was dreaming in smoke since he couldn't take a single step towards her because of Albioni, but hope didn't mind being suffocated by that smoke, pushed by the possibility that she and Blerimi still had a chance to reach a path of life where they could walk together; they just couldn't orient themselves to find its head.
 
    Leonora put her phone on her belly and looked at the hazel wardrobe on her left.
 
    Graniti hadn't contacted her either, since they had met in front of Albioni's house, and she had begun to suspect that he had only supported her until the end of her divorce because he had felt responsible to save her from that situation, and now that the job was done, there was no need for them to talk anymore.
 
    She had wanted to text him several times, but the fear that he would reject her and they would return to their previous state had stopped Leonora. It would be better to have that end, where he had behaved well with her, and maybe he would be calmer, knowing that now he didn't owe his sister anything, and that was enough between them.
 
    She put the phone on the bedside table again and pushed away the dark blue comforter with the thick red blanket with pink roses underneath it to get out of bed. She had a job that earned her enough income to make a good living; she had the opportunity to go out whenever she wanted, to travel wherever she wanted, and above all, her body belonged only to her. That fact made her feel almost completely free, and when she thought of the good things she had, she was filled with hope that the other problems would be easily fixed.
 
    When Denada called her, after eating the breakfast prepared by the woman she lived with in a rented apartment in Tirana, Leonora thought that she would receive the invitation to go out and accepted it silently, still without being asked. Her whole life was now hers alone, to do with as she pleased.
 
    "Hello?" she answered optimistically.
 
    "Nora, how are you, sweetie?" Denada was either really upset, as it seemed, or the phone line had problems, and that's why her voice sounded different than it usually did.
 
    "I'm fine." Leonora kept the same tone. 
 
    "Listen. I don't know if you heard by chance that Albioni has had an accident."
 
    "No." Leonora sat slowly on her bed, staring blankly at the light sand-coloured parquet.
 
    "He had been travelling with Agustini by car, and they have both passed away."
 
    Albioni would no longer be able to hurt her or have the opportunity to choose to leave her alone and live his life properly.
 
    She kept her eyelids closed for a few moments, tired of thinking any longer about the past and some of the people who belonged to that time.
 
    "I'm sorry. I know that came as a bomb to you..."
 
    "No, no. Please." Leonora interrupted. "Thank you for telling me."
 
    "Not at all, honey." Denada sweetened her voice. "Goodbye."
 
    "Goodbye," she turned off the phone and got ready to go out.
 
    She didn't want to go back to the past for people who hadn't deserved her, but they were related to Blerimi, and she was forced to include them in her thinking.
 
••••
    Leonora got up from the wooden bench of the bus station and looked to the left to see if the bus was coming, but it seemed that she had to wait a little longer.
 
    She passed the time by playing with one of the buttons on her dark red coat as she looked at the white-heeled boots and black jeans that she had worn and thought about Blerimi. Had he thought about her too when he found out about Albioni's death, or had he not been affected at all because he had moved on with his life long ago and had given up on her? In that story, it felt like she would be judged mostly for the love that she had for him. No one would care that above all she was a human; before she was someone's daughter, sister, friend, relative, and more, she was just a human being who also had the right to live happily, and other people had to consider such a thing, just like she considered it for them.
 
    "Leonora."
 
    She turned her head to the right and immediately stood up, mesmerised in disbelief, to see that in front of her eyes was Blerim Agolli, dressed in black, and he was looking at her as if he still loved her.
 
    "How are you?" Blerimi held out his hand.
 
    "Still in chaos," she confessed the truth while touching his hand. All the confusion of longing for him and unspoken feelings began to fade. "Blerim, I don't know what to say." As a routine that she had had for years without a period of interruption, she opened her bright brown eyes wider because of a thin layer of tears, which, from the lack of gravity on that smooth surface, threatened to slide down her cheeks.
 
    He immediately understood what she meant about how things had gone with Albioni.
 
    "It wasn't your fault, OK?" He looked at her deeply with love to assure her that he didn't make her responsible at all. "Albioni and I were to blame, and we paid for that in our way."
 
    She trusted his look, her soul felt at peace in the presence of someone it knew, and all the colours returned to life, although that icy February day didn't show all of them. 
 
    "Nora," Blerimi didn't pay much attention to the warning that he shouldn't be in such a hurry. "I have so many feelings to express to you, and I know it might be early, but I feel like we've wasted all that time so far, and I don't want to make the same mistake."
 
    Leonora repeated silently the words 'feelings, to express to you' with her heart a mountain, that the over-imagined moment was now really happening. Blerimi wanted to tell her that he loved her. Those words would no longer be just in her mind as an unrealized dream. She would specifically listen to his voice when she was told.
 
    "Do you have the same feelings as me?" he wanted to know.
 
    "Yes." She didn't even hesitate to think about that question first, and she felt another lock being unlocked on the door of her prison.
 
    "Come to my home and let's talk." Blerimi risked drowning in the sea of happiness offered by her newly expressed love with that request. "I have no negative intention towards you. I just want to talk without being disturbed by anyone and spend time with you."
 
    "Okay," she agreed, not at all feeling threatened by him. "Because it's you. Had it been anyone else, I would have rejected them."
 
    "I know," he said, not misunderstanding why Leonora accepted instantly. "Come."
 
    She felt herself completely out of prison as she walked beside him on foot along the sidewalk, and the places where she had passed before but had never paid attention to, to cast her eyes curiously around and had already walked as in the fog from the agony, where her cracked soul had been thrown, were now looking very beautiful with the fascinating combination of the colours of the buildings and more.
 
    She was in the car with Blerimi, and they were going to his house. She wouldn't be separated from him very quickly. They would stay together as long as they wanted. They would talk and ask each other about everything. Now there was no longer any risk of history interruption. All the time available was theirs to create the memories they wanted. 
 
    She kept her hands together on her lap and tried not to make noises by tapping her fingers against each other to not make it obvious that she was too excitedly nervous and couldn't sit still. Blerimi was going to kiss her. She was as sure as the fact that they both had brown eyes, that they were going to kiss. That guess brought a smile to her face and reddened her cheeks.
 
    Negative thoughts stormed from afar to take shape and attack the happiness created by the positive ones, saying that maybe she was hurrying and shouldn't act only based on feelings but be rational. What if he hurt her?
 
    She pushed those doubts away with a flick of her head to the right. Blerimi loved her. Her soul affirmed such a fact with all its remaining power. It knew the man to her left, who was driving the car, and it knew with blind certainty that she would never be hurt by him. She felt that she was in one of those cases where her intuition was telling her the truth.
 
    She looked at Blerimi, and he looked back at her with the same feelings as she had, smiled at her, and focused his eyes on the road ahead.
 
••••
    Leonora slowly got out of the car and noticed the quiet neighbourhood where he lived. Blerimi went to her side and guided her to the entrance of a two-story house.
 
    "The owner lives in The Commune of Paris and has rented this house out," he explained while opening the black iron gate. "It was a gift from his businessman grandfather."
 
    "Do other people live here?"
 
    "Yes, there is a family on the first floor. They have another entrance. They have nothing to do with me." Blerimi opened the main white door of his house and stepped aside for Leonora to get in first.
 
    She pursed her lips slightly and entered the corridor with its warm, grey walls. She looked at the three closed doors in front of her to the right and left, the clothes rack next to the door, as she walked with slow, noiseless steps over the beach grey parquet and looked at Blerimi, who left the house keys on the little box on the shelf and turned to her. 
 
    Leonora took off her coat along with her satchel to leave them on the clothes rack next to his coat, and a rush of heat shot through her chest from the intense love she saw expressed in his eyes. Before, she had had the opportunity to avoid it because she couldn't look at him for a long time, so as not to risk them, but now she had no reason to look away, and she had to face the rush of emotions unconquered by rationality, for which she had constantly wished to be given the opportunity to show them.
 
    "Shouldn't we say something to start the conversation first?" she asked, with trembling knees and pleading legs, to get away from him, to steady herself, and then allow him to approach her, but her heart felt more than ready, and Leonora thought that the rest of her body could quickly adjust to her rhythm. "Just for the formality," she explained. "We don't have to talk for too long."
 
    He chuckled lightly, placed his hands on the sides of her loose hair, and felt life fully overpowering him as he touched her skin. Leonora took a deep breath with her eyes closed slowly, still in chariness that she wasn't in a dream, but Blerimi was really touching her; he was next to her, he loved her, and no one would separate them.
 
    "I love you," he decided to speak first, and she looked at him completely free thanks to his love.
 
    "This is the most beautiful conversation start, that I have ever had." Leonora put her hands under his arms, and the happiness reached another level higher from the awareness that the person she loved was allowing her touch, and he liked it too. "I love you too, Blerim."
 
    He kissed her lips as delicately and passionately as he could; they both held each other tighter and continued the kiss. Leonora's hands crossed his chest and joined behind his neck as Blerimi pushed her against the wall behind her.
 
    "You're mine."
 
    His low and yet intensely possessive voice made her knees tremble even more, and she closed her eyes with an ear-to-ear smile to kiss Blerimi back.
 
    "Leonora," he waited for her to look at him as he continued. "I have never had the feeling before that I belong to someone, except you."
 
    "Me neither." Leonora shook her head, accepted his kiss, and, with closed eyelids, leaned into Blerimi's embrace, her forehead meeting his.
 
    He wanted to keep going, but he didn't want Leonora to suspect for a moment that she was being used by him or, in the future, to have such a guess that Blerimi had never truly loved her. He would wait until marriage.
 
    "Shall we go to the living room and talk?"
 
    She accepted his invitation and followed him towards the closed door to the left of the one in front of her.
 
    "This is the living room and the kitchen," he opened the door, and they both entered. 
 
    Leonora allowed the feeling of being at home to be further strengthened by Blerimi's presence there and contemplated the combined colours of the furniture in the room, the light royal blue curtains and the sheer ones between them, the navy L-shaped sofa, the TV in front of it below a small bookshelf hanging on the wall, and the kitchen in the same colours to the left.
 
    "What would you like to drink?" he stroked her hair. "There are tea and energy drinks. If you want to eat, I can cook something for you."
 
    She wanted to try his cooking, thought maybe he was tired, and decided to try it another time.
 
    "Fruit juice," said Leonora.
 
    Blerimi kissed her and did not immediately break away from her. She smiled between kisses and then went to sit on the couch. She kept her wary gaze on him while thinking that she was already living the new life she had long dreamed of.
 
    He brought two glasses and the plastic bottle of apple Bravo to leave on the glass table in front of them. He filled her glass first, and then his. Leonora looked at the watch on her left hand and turned to Blerimi.
 
    "Do you have to go somewhere?" he sat next to her.
 
    "No, I was just looking at the time. I hadn't made any plans for today."
 
    She smiled that he didn't want to ruin her routine and touched his left hand, which he placed on Leonora's leg, and ran his fingers along it to near the waist. She held under control a deep breath and her eyes to not look at Blerimi and tell what she was thinking at that moment.
 
    "What about you? Had you made plans?" she asked with her heart in her throat at his look.
 
    "No, I was going home when I saw you at the station. First, I thought about not talking to you because maybe you didn't want to meet me and that you had forgotten me, but I couldn't give up."
 
    "Blerim, I have never forgotten you," she swore, afraid that she had been in danger of losing him without knowing it—to at least fight for him. He took her hands and kissed them.
 
    "What are you doing now?" Blerimi changed the topic. "What do you do for a living?"
 
    "I'm working again with Denada."
 
    "Are you here with your family?"
 
    Leonora moved her lips to answer, but the voice didn't cooperate with them. The feeling of sadness managed to show in her face.
 
    "I'm living with a friend," she said with her head down. "I'm not on good terms with my family."
 
    "Why? Were they against the divorce?"
 
    "No. Ardiani and Zana haven't said anything to me. Ardiani, my father," she said, not happy by such a fact. "Whereas my brother supported me."
 
    "Granit Vitori?"
 
    She looked at him, surprised.
 
    "You know him?"
 
    "Denada had told me once that she had been in high school with him."
 
    "Yes. That's why I know Denada. They were very close friends."
 
    "Do you get along with Graniti?"
 
    "No, I don't even talk to him," she said after some silence.
 
    "Why?"
 
    "... We always had different points of view on how I should live my life. Now he says that he has changed and has no interest in interfering anymore. He will accept every choice of mine, but I can't risk it. We have lost someone because of me. If he finds out, he'll never forgive me."
 
    "Who?"
 
    Her heart sank into agony before she answered him.
 
    "My sister."