Ruins of Autumn

57• Are You Pretending?

    Visara gripped the cold bronze handle of Anila's bedroom door with the fingers of her right hand and lunged to enter, not quite lowering the handle yet, and ended up curled up next to the closed door.
 
    "Oh," she was glad that she hadn't opened the door because she had forgotten to knock.
 
    "Come in."
 
    She heard Anila's voice from the other side of the room and opened the door to find her sister on the bed with the laptop open in front of her, wearing a black sports suit.
 
    She threw the packages of apple crackers she had bought for her and the peanuts on the bed.
 
    "I forgot to give them to you yesterday," she closed the door and approached the bed. "I am going out. Do you want to buy anything?"
 
    "No," Anila took the package of biscuits and opened it. "Where are you going?" She handed the package to Visara, and she took two.
 
    "I will go out with Erida, my friend, who I told you works at the same company as you. She was stabbed in the back two days ago. She's very sad."
 
    "What happened?" Anila asked rather mechanically, while she was writing on her laptop the description of a product of the company, which she was preparing to post on her Instagram address, than she was really interested in knowing about that chapter in Erida's life.
 
    "She had heard her housemate, with whom she shares the rent here in Tirana, talking to a relative of hers on a video call. They had spoken badly about her because she is a bit too introverted. As your Brunilda has been."
 
    Anila was swallowed by the sinking of her stomach when she heard her former close friend's name, and the heft of guilt towards her weighed more heavily on her heart.
 
    "I don't understand why such people are judged so much. I would be extremely happy if I had an introvert as my friend, a calm person who doesn't jump one and too from being too energetic, as if they have a nervous breakdown. God has seen me with Danieli. Extroverts aren't my preference at all. I like that they break the ice between strangers in conversations, but too much energy drains my power. You, Anila, have been totally like that, but you've fallen lately. Rarely was there anyone who could match your energy; you set fire to the souls of people who stayed with you."
 
    Anila ordered her, with a stern look, to shut up.
 
    "Maybe that's why Brunilda gave up on your friendship." Visara kept speaking bluntly, like she was used to. "You thought that you were lighting up her life with your light; meanwhile, she was burning, and you didn't notice anything."
 
    "Visara!" Anila closed her eyes, peeved by that irritating side of the character that her sister had, and sighed before looking at her. "It is not good to always tell the truth as it is. Camouflage words sometimes. Otherwise, people will create a negative impression of you, and no one will want to have you in their company."
 
    "The experience just spoke," she replied. "How is Sidoreli? Hows your relationship going?"
 
    "Good." Anila's voice melted when she heard his name, and her lips curled into laughter. Visara giggled at her condition. "Take advantage of the situation." Anila shook her head vengefully.
 
    "Now that I have found the opportunity, I won't let you go without a good laugh. Have you kissed?" Visara came closer to her sister.
 
    "Of course." Anila tried to answer seriously, but the butterflies in her stomach made her chuckle, and Visara pulled back, scoffing.
 
    "Oh God! That this day would come... Have you sl..."
 
    "Wheren't you going out?" Anila reminded her to distract her. "Out."
 
    "I'm leaving," Visara stood up. "Give me some advice about Erida, since you know a lot about self-confidence. What should I say to cheer her up?"
 
    "Tell her to take advantage of the situation. Those who have unjustly spoken ill of her are her servants. For her to know how disgusting people who speak badly of others are and to be a lesson for her, in order not to make the same mistake, they have sacrificed themselves. She's using them, and they have no idea. They prefer to be drowned in ignorance by the poison they have in their souls, only to hurt her, than to love themselves. Erida is defending herself from the consequences that could threaten her life, using their experiences. If she's telling the truth, that she's being attacked for no reason. Otherwise, tell her not to play the victim in vain, because no one will care about her."
 
    She had said every word coldly, without taking her eyes off the laptop, and Visara felt lucky that she was Anila's sister, and that's why Anila allowed her into her life. If it hadn't been for the blood connection, she didn't believe she would have ever gained her attention.
 
    With her hair parted in the middle and a part held behind her head with a black clip, she looked like she didn't need anyone and depended on someone's love. She had self-love; that was enough and even more. No one could break her because she always found a shield and used it to defeat her enemy.
 
    "That Sidoreli must have been drunk when he asked you to be his girlfriend, or he has made it his goal to change your personality." Visara vented, shaking her head.
 
    "Why do you say that?" Anila looked at her confused.
 
    "You look too strong, and you have all that confidence," she replied. "It's like you're not afraid at all to lose someone in your life because you can easily replace them with someone else."
 
    Anila kept her gaze on the laptop screen in front of her but focused her mind on the words of Visara, who left the room.
 
    She had always been aware of the dose of self-confidence that had been constantly complimented by people, but it had never occurred to her that others felt so intimidated by her.
 
    Had Brunilda had this feeling? Afraid that Anila would replace her with another friend?
 
    No matter how opposite they were in character, she had never thought of breaking her friendship with her because of their different personalities. She had lost her way because of Blerimi for a moment, and her eyes had been blinded when he had told her that Brunilda didn't know her value. Anila, affected by remembering that her cousin had never thanked her for the outings and activities organised by her, had immediately trusted Blerimi, was convinced that Brunilda did not deserve her company, and had revoked the line to her.
 
    That had been the reason why she had always been reserved in her words of gratitude? Had she been afraid that Anila would think that she was creating too much dependence on her existence and would end her friendship with her?
 
    She was certain that the person who had all the answers to those questions didn't even want to see her face, even for a millisecond, and she didn't blame her.
 
    She had thought repeatedly of meeting Brunilda to ask for her forgiveness and be friends together again, but she had been forbidden by the accusation that she had no right to enter Brunilda's life whenever she wanted, and she had to leave her alone.
 
    Brunilda probably couldn't wait to get rid of her overly energetic character and didn't even dream of having her as a friend again. She would have found another friend who was calmer and who didn't ask to go out whenever she got the chance.
 
••••
    Sidoreli tapped his fingers in front of her lost gaze, and Anila immediately shook her head in fear and came to the consciousness of the present, that she was living; she was in a bar suggested by her, with forest green walls, white tables, and pastel lavender sofas; she had her boyfriend in front of her, wearing a black golf shirt, black trousers, and shoes as well; and the mistakes of the past had taken her once again with them, distracting her from his words.
 
    "Are you okay?"
 
    "I'm sorry," she brought the cup of tea closer with her head down, feeling guilty for the neglect. Precisely not to overthink the past, she ordered tea, because the latter put her brain in an exhausting state, as if she were almost asleep. "I got distracted."
 
    He didn't have to endure her mood swings.
 
    "Anila!"
 
    His criticising voice drew her gaze to Sidoreli, who was looking at her in the same manner as he had spoken.
 
    "You're not my slave. You can think about whatever you want, and if something bothers you, you can tell me," he told her categorically. "Do you feel like you're under a dictatorship when you go out with me?"
 
    "Not at all," she shook her head denying his misunderstanding. "It just seemed disrespectful on my part that I didn't pay attention."
 
    "You don't have to feel bad. I understand that it was not intentional." Sidoreli softened the tone of the voice and the look as well. "It happens to all of us. We have all that past behind us. It's not as easy as it seems."
 
    He had tried to keep that time as far away from their conversations as possible, and because he had succeeded until those moments, he had even begun to create the illusion that perhaps they could always be safe from it, but the fireworks were running out and soon only the stars would light the sky. The presence of the truth could no longer be ignored.
 
    "Do you want to talk about what you were thinking of, or should we change the subject?" Sidoreli asked. "If you want, we can end the date now, or we can go somewhere else."
 
    "Let's change the subject," Anila suggested, and because of what came to her mind to talk about, she put the tips of her fingers on her lips excitedly.
 
    "What do you want to say?" He smiled daintily, understanding her gaze and the conquering lighting of her eyes, challenged by the yellow jersey she was wearing, and combed that outfit with beige jeans and white sneakers.
 
    "I'm going to ask you something," Anila said before telling him what she had been thinking, and he leaned back on the couch with his full attention on her. "That day, when we met at the company for the second time, when there was an event and I sat next to Ilirjana and you sat next to your sister, do you remember?"
 
    "Yes."
 
    She laughed nervously about what she wanted to ask.
 
    "And... I looked at you for a moment, and you saw me too," continued Anila.
 
    "Because you were looking at my body earlier," he pointed out flirtatiously, and she moved her left hand as a sign of disdain.
 
    "You catch the essence of the conversation. Don't mention every detail," she asked with a blush on her face, and Sidoreli laughed at her request.
 
    "OK."
 
    "I looked at your arms coincidentally, because I was surprised that you didn't have tattoos on them. I have seen that, usually, tattoo artists get all those tattoos done."
 
    "Leonardi suggested to me not to do any because the tattoo is also a symbol of identification, he said. Someone who wants to hurt you can recognise you only by that tattoo. Therefore, for security reasons, I did not."
 
    "But you must have wanted to get a tattoo! What did you want?" She looked at him curiously to know his preference.
 
    "A dragon, when I was twenty years old," Sidoreli replied, remorseless, that he hadn't gotten it done. "But then I didn't like it anymore and gave up on it."
 
    "What about... when I did that visual study and you looked at me, what did you think of me?" She smiled, embarrassed by the answer she would receive.
 
    "Nothing," he replied neutrally. "It wasn't the first time someone looked at me like that. It seemed normal to me."
 
    "Oh?" Anila raised her eyebrows at the pride he expressed. "You mean, such compliments are daily."
 
    Sidoreli smirked. "You're not surprised, are you?" He continued his boastful attitude and played with words.
 
    "Not at all," she followed the flow. "All this beauty of an artist, all this green colour in your eyes, it's impossible for anyone to overlook them."
 
    Sidoreli smirked rather at her irony.
 
    "We can get attention, too, Anila, not just you."
 
    "May you enjoy it." She didn't complain. "It suits you very well."
 
    "Why did you lie when you told Ilirjana that you were going to meet your boyfriend?"
 
    "Because of you," she confessed. "I thought I had left the impression that I had feelings for you, and you were placed in an uncomfortable position because you had no feelings for me, and I wondered that if you knew I had a lover, you would no longer have a problem with my presence."
 
    "So, from trying to convince me that you don't like me, you ended up starting to like me."
 
    "Yes," she accepted with a slight arch of her lips. "That's what happened.
 
    She drank some of her tea while noticing a change in her mood. She felt calmer and happier after talking with Sidorel.
 
    "When..." Anila prepared the next question, and he waited for her to speak. "When we met, did you like any other girl?"
 
    "Which time?"
 
    "The first-ever."
 
    "Six years ago, no."
 
    He had been free. If she had been more attentive to Blerimi and had accepted that perhaps Brunilda had been right about him, she wouldn't have suffered so much from him. She would have broken up in time, and perhaps she would have dated Sidoreli.
 
    She felt like those six years had gone to waste because of a colossal mistake of hers.
 
    "What about the other times?" She skipped time so she wouldn't be overcome by pain and fall into self-loathing depression again.
 
    "When we met in an urban a year ago, yes. I was in a relationship with someone. Her name is Arbeta."
 
    That Arbeta from Instagram, who had commented "swh" for sure. Anila didn't doubt that she was right in that guess.
 
    "Then, when we met again in June, I broke up with her that day."
 
    "Why?" Anila didn't give herself time to think before asking him.
 
    "She wanted us to break up because she was going to live abroad, and she didn't support the long-distance relationship."
 
    "Did you love her, meanwhile?" The warning that she was going far rang in her head.
 
    "Yes, I have loved her," he said. "And I still did, when she asked to break up."
 
    Anila had played with the fire herself, and now it was not getting out of control. Had she been right in thinking that she had initially been used by him to make Arbeta jealous?
 
    "And how did you forget her?" she asked with her heart in her throat. She wished with her whole soul that he had forgotten her.
 
    "Thanks to you. Looking at you. I don't know why I couldn't think of anything else when you were present. My mind was calm. Like now. And when we aren't together, I either think about drawing, or just about you, or about both of you."
 
    "Oh," Anila was elated that Sidoreli had closed Arbeta's chapter and hadn't been bothered by her at all, as she had thought.
 
    It had seemed normal to him for someone to like his physical appearance, and he hadn't paid much attention to her.
 
    "A few more days, and December is over. A lot of unexpected events happened this year," she meant their reunions and relationship, and he also laughed softly.
 
    "Unexpected indeed. I had never thought that I would see sunflowers live even in winter."
 
    Anila grinned, melting at his compliment.
 
    "Thank you," she expressed her gratitude in a sweet voice, and she drank the rest of the tea. "Maybe we can draw together sometimes; what do you think?"
 
    The frown on his face worried her.
 
    "You can't be serious," he seemed like he was going to yell at her in exasperation from moment to moment. "You want to be the centre of attention there too? Because I have no doubts that you will."
 
    She curled her liberated lips.
 
    A notification vibrated her phone to her left as she placed the empty cup on its white plate and picked up her phone.
 
    "I have to go to the company," she summed up the newly arrived message on Instagram. "To pick up some products."
 
    "Let's leave then," he said immediately, unperturbed. "We can go together if you want. I'll revise some documents there, and then I will leave for my parents' house."
 
    If they went together, the employees there would find out that they were dating.
 
    "Okay," Anila agreed.
 
    She had known, since the beginning, that she would face such a situation, and she had only waited for the right moment to face it.
 
    She was sceptical of the suspicion that people would spread rumours about her being selfish and becoming Sidorel's girlfriend for self-interest. Who cared about her personal life? In the company, everyone tried to work for themselves. They didn't have the nerve to waste minutes of their time thinking about others. Until now, Anila had only noticed such a work environment. If it had all been a facade, and she hadn't understood anything until then, that was something else.
 
    They didn't meet anyone in the company yard or the corridors. The receptionist greeted them without making any unusual facial expressions. There were several employees in the bar who didn't turn their heads at all to see them, and they went up to the second floor.
 
    "Come to my office before you leave," Sidoreli asked.
 
    "OK."
 
    She smiled at him and walked towards the produce room.
 
    "What are you doing here?"
 
    Visara turned her head to the front door.
 
    "I was waiting for Erida. I told her the words you said. They motivated her."
 
    "Very good," Anila approached her sister and took the sun cream from the door shelf.
 
    It was just them in the room.
 
    "I thought a lot about those words you said about using someone. Ania, I have also thought once about using someone unfairly." From her voice, Visara seemed to have repented but still hadn't escaped from the feeling of guilt.
 
    "Who?" Anila asked worriedly.
 
    "Danieli. I thought that if I married him and gave birth to a child, you and our parents would be somewhat comforted by the loss of Amarildo. Then I realised that it wouldn't be worth it because people are irreplaceable, and his death will always be an open wound."
 
    Anila avoided looking towards the large windows, feeling responsible for making the same plan.
 
    "I know that it wasn't fair at all, but I didn't think I had any other way." Visara swore. "You were extremely depressed, and so were Mom and Dad, although they didn't express it as much as you... I was going crazy from despair. Maybe a nephew or niece would warm your hearts, I thought."
 
    "I'm sorry." Anila's lips were twisted from tearing up.
 
    Being focused only on the pain she had from her own weight, she had completely neglected her sister, had been lied to by her mask of being strong to face everything alone, and hadn't noticed the suffering she had been experiencing.
 
    "No, no." Visara kissed her on her right cheek and hugged her tightly. "It's not your fault at all." She broke away to look her in the eye. "You had all those responsibilities for yourself. You became the eldest kid and had to take care of the three of us. You were always alert that Amarildo's assassin could attack us."
 
    Anila's deep sigh weighed hardly on her lungs. If only she had enough strength to tell Visara that he wouldn't attack anymore since Blerimi was dead, but Visara would drown her with questions until she discovered the whole truth about her and Anila couldn't tell.
 
    "I do love Danieli now. He won my heart, but I'm afraid that I'll pay it badly because I originally wanted to use him."
 
    "You redeemed yourself by giving him your heart," Anila said. "If you had continued with him without loving him, then you would have been punished."
 
    "Ania, tell me that you're not using Sidoreli for the same reason as I have wanted to use Danieli."
 
    Anila hesitated.
 
    "It's not right for him or for you to sacrifice yourself by marrying someone you don't love that much," Visara argued.
 
    "We'll talk when we go home," Anila ended the conversation. "Someone may come and listen to us. Let's not risk it."

    Sidoreli left the half-open door of the products' room and walked the stairs towards his office with the request that he had heard from Visara in his mind and Anila's silence as a response.