Ruins of Autumn

54• Use Me!

    Anila ran her fingers through her hair left near the corners of her eyes, as much as she could to hide their redness, and looked at herself once more on the off-screen of her phone. Although she had washed her face several times, from the exposed blood vessels in her iris, it looked like she had been on drugs for years and her body could no longer handle such a deadly substance.
 
    The employees would understand that she had been crying. Those who had noticed, talking to Leonora, would cast doubt on her and gossip about her. Everyone at work, even their friends, would hear about her and look down on her.
 
    She didn't want to get out of the toilet without getting her spirit up, which wasn't even killing the mind, to recover its strength. It was as if it had gotten used to depression and was no longer impressed by any hits it hadn't deserved to receive, but it didn't want to give up either. It just needed a little motivation.
 
    Leonora would have been so happy if she had seen her in that state. Anila was sure that that was exactly why she had come to the company building—to destroy everything—because she was envious of Anila and an evil person. The feeling of Blerimi  wasn't even discussed that it would be excitement in the seventh sky at the level where she had fallen.
 
    That was enough to encourage Anila that, only from their anger, she had to rise stronger than before. It was just another unexpected hit. She would be more careful next time, and if she faced Leonora again, she would hit her too.
 
    The newly received message from Sidoreli on WhatsApp, which vibrated the phone in her right hand, multiplied all her motivation by zero. He was asking to meet her in his office. He must have heard about the argument as well; he had seen her talking sternly to Leonora, and who knows how much of a negative impression of a narcissistic and arrogant person she had left on him? Anila had felt bad for herself from the harsh words she had said to Leonora, as if she had drunk poison prepared by her hands.
 
    She was convinced that Sidoreli wouldn't tolerate that behaviour and would reprimand her for making a scene in front of the company by grabbing a stranger by her arm, as if she were a rag, even if she was guilty.
 
    Anila had wanted war, and now she was paying the consequences. Why hadn't she walked away to go to the company later, after Leonora had left? She had fallen again, prey to rushing based only on feelings and no logic.
 
    Her eyes welled up with tears again. She was ultimately losing because of her fault, and she couldn't hold anyone accountable. Leonora could have indeed done wrong by meeting her, but she hadn't forced her to be so badly affected and come out of herself.
 
    Or had she been herself in those moments, and she was realising only now, when she was looking at that fragment of the past in detail, that such a debate had been needed to discover what kind of person she was?
 
    A fragment of the past. That had happened a few minutes ago, even though it seemed to Anila that she was still living in it, but in another universe; Leonora was in front of her, and as much as Anila was insulting her to lower her self-confidence and convince her not to meet her anymore because she couldn't cope with the past, which Leonora brought with her because she had been married to Blerimi, Leonora showed no sign of agitation.
 
    Had she told the truth about the videos? Had he really deleted it and the photos without telling anyone and making no copies? How free she would be if it had happened just like that! Maybe this was a sign that things were going well, and Anila just had to learn not to be manipulated by the past and destroy everything. 
 
    That plan worked, motivating her enough to get out of the toilet. She headed for the elevators with her head slightly down, praying that no one would approach her and that the corridors were empty until she got to Sidoreli's office, and it wasn't long before she went there. The corridors were empty, and there was no one in the elevator except for her at that moment.
 
    Sidoreli waited for her next to the glass wall, and she placed her light sand-coloured coat on the clothes hanger next to the door before she tensely walked over to him with her breath held hostage and avoiding his critical gaze, first by looking at the black vest that Sidoreli was wearing over the white shirt, combined with black trousers and shoes as well, and then at the view beyond the walls.
 
    "I saw you talking to a woman a while ago," he went directly to the topic. "Are you okay?"
 
    Anila felt more at ease with his unperturbed and unsympathetic gaze on her, not thinking she was a weak person.
 
    "Yes," she matched her tone of voice with his neutral one. "We clarified some things." The look left her in the mud from her avoidance to his eyes, and she couldn't compose herself in time when she remembered what she had talked about with Leonora. She expressed all the fury she felt in her sullen face and her hateful eyes towards her.
 
    "OK," Sidoreli kept the same tone of voice. "What can I do for you? If you want, I can tell the security guards not to allow that woman to enter the company if she comes again," he referred to Leonora.
 
    Anila wanted to hug him. His strength was exactly what she was comprehending she needed, so as to feel safe, and she didn't even need to say it out loud. He seemed to know exactly what she needed.
 
    "No, thank you," she smiled gratefully. "There is no need for her to come anymore. We clarified everything."
 
    "OK. If you change your mind, tell me." Sidoreli didn't take his eyes off her without getting the answer 'Yes', and Anila gave it with a slight shake of her head.
 
    "Do you often get such special requests, boss?" She looked at him teasingly. "Or is this a service only for a particular person?"
 
    He let out a happy sneer, that Anila left her gloomy state where she was a little while ago.
 
    "I have given the job to Ilirjana to constantly ask the employees if they have any concerns. I have deliberately chosen you myself to ask you." He took the risk to get closer to her and gently ran his fingers through her silky hair, as he had thought they would be.
 
    All the blood pooled in Anila's heart, trying to get its beats out of control. In all the dates between them, she had always kept her distance because of the feeling that she wasn't ready to be so close to him as to allow him to touch her, affected by the fear that she would be alarmed by remembering Blerimi and would react strangely according to him, but to her surprise, the past was hiding from Sidoreli, and she didn't feel panicked at all by his touch.
 
    "I've told you, I have a very simple personality." He sweetly played with the spoken words, as with a wave of her hair down to her chest.
 
    "You mean you're not trying to woo me so that I can find out later how detail-oriented you are?" Anila didn't want the comforting security of his touch to end.
 
    "That is absolutely true." Sidoreli took a step further with a smile, passing a part of her hair behind her back to the left. She lowered her shy gaze, unable to look longer into his eyes, without thinking of further intimacy between them.
 
    "What?" he asked on purpose, to make her blush more, and Anila, so as not to give him the feeling of victory over her, looked at him again, staring at his lips and then his eyes.
 
    Sidoreli read her same desire as his: to kiss, he put his right hand behind her neck, to bring her closer, his left hand on her back, when he felt her palms on his chest, and they both closed their eyes at the same time, so that the outside world disappeared for a moment from the kiss between them, but that world didn't allow them to escape from it through a light knock on the door, which separated them from each other, and the illusion of tranquilly was defeated by the return to reality, that they were in the workplace. 
 
    Sidoreli went to sit on his chair, while Anila tried to control her deep breathing. He waited for her approval to allow the person behind the door to enter. Ilirjana looked first at Sidoreli, then at Anila, who was approaching the door, and then suspiciously at the administrator again.
 
    "Alberti just arrived," she announced. "Shall we start the meeting now?" She gave way to Anila to leave the office.
 
    Anila went to the elevator with quick steps, and as soon as its doors closed, she laughed with her heart as if in an electroshock and the feeling of his hands on her neck and back. If Ilirjana hadn't come...
 
    The addiction from that moment filled her with more love for the present in which she was living.
 
    She adjusted her posture before exiting the elevator and heading to the bar. She was going to meet a twenty-three-year-old girl there who had expressed her wish to work for the company.
 
    She had arrived, and she was waiting for her, sitting at the edge of the bar. Anila recognised her by the dark honey-coloured curly hair, tied in a bun, and the clothes that Keida had told her she would wear: white turtleneck golf and light blue jeans, along with white ankle boots.
 
    "Hello!" Anila drew her attention.
 
    Keida jumped up from her chair. "Hi!" she smiled back at Anila and extended her hand.
 
    "Did you take a look around the building?"
 
    "No, I came here right away. I thought you could accompany me if you have time."
 
    "Yes, of course."
 
    Sidoreli deliberately asked to sit at a table in front of Anila and the stranger, with whom she was talking, and Alberti and Ilirjana agreed. He sat, facing her, and smiled as soon as he caught her attention. Anila's avoidance and the blush on her face made him laugh even more.
 
    "This is the contract," Anila gave a white folder to Keida. "These are the work rules that we also discussed on Instagram. Read it once more for your safety, and if you are convinced to work here, sign."
 
    The air was suddenly heavy, and Anila couldn't breathe freely. An unusual heat was crawling up her throat, and her feet were frozen. She looked only for a moment at Sidoreli, who had his attention on Alberti; her whole body was engulfed in flames; she smiled with a blush on her face when he looked at her; and she focused on Keida, who was reading the contract.
 
    He was spiralling her out of control, and Anila, for the first time in her life that she could remember, didn't know how to act, not to succumb to such a rush of feelings. She liked them and wanted to have more, but not in the presence of others, so that she seemed dizzy and blinded by love, just alone with him.
 
    Her phone rang from a message. Without thinking first about who could have written her, she turned on the screen and read the notification she received on WhatsApp.
 
 
    Sidoreli:
    This company doesn't pay you just to laugh, Anila, but to work. The fact that you have very, very beautiful brown eyes means nothing to me. Behave professionally!
 
 
    Her lips curled into laughter, and she tilted her head, thinking of how to sweetly take revenge on him.
 
    He wanted to play? He liked being in control? Well, if he could hold that position, why not?
 
    Sidoreli read the message back from her with a stoic face and an icy gaze.
 
 
    Anila:
    Silent seen 😎
 
 
 
    He looked blankly at the sender, waiting for his reaction, turned off the phone, unaffected, and focused his attention on Alberti, while the forty-three-year-old employee, dressed in a classic black suit, suggested the usual end-of-year dinner for the company to be organised in a restaurant in Tirana this time.
 
    He could easily imagine Anila's slight disappointment that he hadn't given up so easily and seemed completely unimpressed by her presence when he had deliberately decided to have the next meeting with the two top sales managers at the bar because she was going to be there and he wanted to be close to her.
 
    "This one looks cute."
 
    That comment from a man at the next table caught his attention, and he felt as if someone had hit him over the head with a beam when he saw the blonde guy who had spoken, dressed in light blue jeans, a white T-shirt, and a thin green sweatshirt, fixing his turquoise eyes on Anila, and a teasing smile meant that he wanted to talk to her.
 
    "Which one?" His seeming peer on the left looked at the table, where he had his attention.
 
    "The woman with loose hair."
 
    "She works here."
 
    Do you know for sure?"
 
    "Either he knows, or no one knows," the third person at the table vouched for him. "Arbeni acts all the time as if he only predicts what people will ask him about and prepares the answers."
 
    Arbeni smirked at that assessment from Samueli.
 
    "You will make me look bad if you're wrong," warned the blond man. "Are you sure she works here?"
 
    "Yes, Nikolin. I have seen her in a video on the company's Instagram account. Her name is Anila Idrizaj."
 
    "I'm taking her number, then," Nikolini rested his back safely against the armchair.
 
    Sidoreli sensed the existence of the burning tension of jealousy only after the stranger, who seemed to be about the same age as him, stopped talking.
 
    She would reject him. There was no doubt about that.
 
    Or...
 
    He had gone out on dates with Anila several times, but he still hadn't expressed his feelings to her so as not to put her under too much pressure, and he had chosen flirting and compliments to understate that he liked her.
 
    The moment before with her in his office was supposed to make her think that he wanted more than just hanging out with her, that he wanted to be in a relationship together, and from her reaction, he understood that Anila wanted the same thing.
 
    Had he been wrong in thinking like that? She had just been using him for more experience in life with someone, and she was going to give up on him once she met Nikolini?
 
    Sidoreli couldn't even stop him from staring at Anila. She wasn't his girlfriend yet. It was up to her to decide whether she wanted Nikolini's attention or not.
 
    He looked at Anila to know her opinion; she noticed Nikolini first, understood his teasing look, looked at Sidoreli, who had already been looking very seriously and aware of the blonde guy at the table next to him, and turned to Keida.
 
    "I read the whole contract," she said. "I'm ready to sign."
 
    "OK, we will sign two. One copy will be kept by you and the other by the company." Anila explained.
 
    Keida took out a blue pen from the green bag and signed the two documents at the bottom. Anila signed after her and handed one copy to the young employee.
 
    "Many successes!"
 
    "Thank you," Keida smiled enthusiastically.
 
    "Shall we get up now and see the company around?"
 
    "Yes."
 
    Sidoreli fought against the urge to stand in Nikolin's way when he got up from the table and walked towards Anila.
 
    He noticed how she hardened her gaze as soon as she was greeted by the stranger and refused to shake his hand. He smiled slightly cheerfully but then frowned when Keida left the two of them alone to talk, and anger took over when Anila nodded and Nikolini took his phone out of his jeans pocket. She took the phone from him and repeatedly tapped the screen as if she were writing something down.
 
    She couldn't be giving him her phone number! Sidoreli was seething from inside, with a curious malaise about what it was really about.
 
    "That's all for today." He couldn't continue the meeting any longer. "We'll discuss it again next time." He left Ilirjana and Alberti, stunned by his sudden decision, and went towards Anila.
 
    Nikolini ended the conversation with her and returned to his desk, completely ignoring Sidoreli when he walked past him.
 
    "Who was that?" he asked with nervousness revealed in his eyes from jealousy.
 
    "He said his name was Nikolin," she replied calmly. "He wants to work here as a distributor and asked to meet me one day so that I could explain to him how this job works."
 
    "What did you say?"
 
    "I agreed, of course. I gave him my Instagram account, and I will text him there which day I have time to meet him."
 
    Anila either wasn't noticing his rage or she was pretending not to; Sidoreli couldn't clearly distinguish which one of the alternatives was correct from her innocent look, as if she had done nothing wrong for agreeing to go out with Nikolini.
 
    "So when do you have a free afternoon this week?"
 
    "For what?" He didn't understand her question.
 
    "Majlinda has told you, right? The administrator of the company often goes to meetings with those who want to work here. Tell me one day, and I'll tell Nikolini when the three of us can meet."
 
    "That's why you accepted? Because I will come too?" He breathed more calmly.
 
    "Of course," Anila laughed. "I don't do jealousy, Sidorel," she pointed out. "I don't make anyone jealous, nor do I allow anyone to make me jealous. I don't put any woman above my level by thinking that she's better than me and feeling bad about myself. Such a hypothesis doesn't even cross my mind, let alone for me to be obsessed with it. If you want me to know your worth, show me that you have value. Because I offer the same, that's why I'm asking that much. Whatever grudge I have against you—that you don't appreciate me—I will say it to you in person. I don't include anyone else. It's not fair for either of us or that person to be used. But if I wish to have your attention, I will use you to get what I want.
 
    "Using me is fair?"
 
    "Yes, because you will also benefit from it," she said. "If you want to," she specified with an intense look, and Sidoreli smiled slightly, seduced more by her. "I have to go now. I have a new employee, and I am showing her the company."
 
    "OK," he had to let Anila go that time without kissing her as he wanted to.