Let Me Hear You

[ Fleeting Confessions ]

As the term trickled by, Severus and I formed a routine. After rounds, we would slip through the portrait of the woman and her baby, and he would make me come in the come-and-go room. For the first week, the room stayed the same as our first encounter there. After a while, though, it began to change depending on what mood we were in. Sometimes, there was a single desk and chair in the middle of the room. Other times, there were plush couches. And sometimes there were simply blankets on the floor in front of the fire.

If we couldn't make it to the Room of Requirements, we would duck into the first storage cupboard we could find. He would press me against the shelves as he knelt before me, while I would ride his face. If there was a ladder, he would hoist me up on it while it rattled beneath me in time with his thrusting fingers. One night he even cast a disillusionment and muffliato spell on us and pressed me against the wall out in the open hallway. It was all so exhilarating.

Sometimes we would simply talk. I would tell him about my family, about Granny Q and Uncle Newt's involvement in the battle of Grindelwald, about how my parents met and their time at Ilvermorny, and about how my brother, Finn, is following in Uncle Newt's footsteps. We would laugh about all the things I have heard from students and staff members' minds. He particularly enjoyed the fact that Professor Burbage fancies him while Professor Flitwick fancies her.

He would share very little about his time at Hogwarts and even less about his childhood before. After quite a bit of prodding, I learnt that Harry's father and his friends were quite awful to him. One time, Sirius Black almost got him killed. During their fifth year, Severus was suspicious about where Professor Lupin went every month. Sirius told him to sneak through the Whomping Willow, and he would have his answer. Had it not been for James Potter, Remus, in his werewolf state, would have killed him. Of all the bullying, that is why he loathes James so much. He is indebted to him.

Through everything we have shared with each other and all the times he has worshipped my body, I have never felt more confident. He makes me feel powerful. However, over the last six weeks since our first come-and-go room encounter, he has never let me touch him. Every time I get close, he pulls my hands away and distracts me with his tongue or fingers. I know he wants me; he has made that abundantly clear. But I can't help but feel like he doesn't want me to want him.

I am terrified of my feelings towards Severus. I know we are drawn together because of our bond, but it feels so much more than that now. The way he looks at me makes it clear that he has felt the shift, too. It seems to scare him more than it does me. He has loved and lost; he is older than me; and his world is riddled with darkness and danger. Whether he likes it or not, his world is mine now, too.

The Christmas break is four weeks away, and I know I will have to stay at the castle. I don't have a choice, as if I were to leave, Severus and I would go numb again. As disappointed as I am that I will not be able to see my family, I am excited. We will finally be able to spend time together without the fear of being caught by Harry and his map. Hopefully, this will give us the chance to learn more about each other. After all, this bond is through mind, body, and soul.

I haven't tried to talk to Severus about his lack of desire for me to please him. I know he is anxious about the fact that I am still a student, but that doesn't stop him from letting his hands and mouth roam every inch of mybody. The most of his body that I have seen is his bare chest, but he always keeps his shirt on. I am desperate to make him feel as cherished as he makes me feel.

As I was chatting to Tas over the Saturday breakfast feast, the owls flooded the hall with today's post. I often get letters from my parents and grandmother, so I was not surprised when one dropped in front of me. It is from Granny Q.