Let Me Hear You

[ The Order ]

Christmas at Hogwarts is truly wonderful. Professor Flitwick transformed the Great Hall into a winter wonderland. He charmed the ceiling to snow, covered the walls with towers of ice, and covered the floor with thick beds of snow that didn't melt, leaving a path from the entrance to the table. Hagrid's twelve giant Christmas trees filled the room, adorned with beautiful twinkling lights and little tufts of snow on the ends of each branch. More importantly, despite the frosty interior, the Great Hall was as warm as always.

I couldn't help but feel disappointed that I hadn't had the chance to see it sooner. However, that thought was quickly chased away by the fact that this will be my first Christmas away from my family. I have tried not to think about how much I miss them all too much, but every day it seems to get harder. Now, on Christmas Eve, I am feeling more heartbroken and resentful than ever. I know it is nobody's fault, not even my own; I am simply resentful of my situation.

"Are you alright?" Severus' voice broke me from my reverie. "I'm fine." We were sitting on the loveseat in front of my fireplace, curled up with a cup of tea. He was reading, or at least I thought he was, and I was leaning against him, staring blankly at the crackling hearth. The students and staff are out in Hogsmeade, so we finally have the chance to be completely alone for a few hours. "Try again." He shifted slightly, and I turned to face him.

Since the night I almost drowned, Severus has been helping me block him out. I built my drawers up higher and am able to store just about everything in them, even the smallest thoughts. He says it is for the best – not because he wants me to keep my sex fantasies to myself, but because I need to be stronger with my mind. If I can manage to keep him out when I want to, I will be able to keep anyone out. We are only able to keep our thoughts to ourselves, though. Our feelings are forever on display.

"It's my first Christmas away from my family." He had placed his book on the coffee table beside him, and I am not sure how long he had been reading my emotions instead. He took my empty cup from my hands and sat it next to his book. "I'm sorry. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you." He felt guilty, and it made me feel even worse. "It's not your fault, Sev. It's not anyone's fault. It's just hard, that's all." As I laid my head against his chest, he wrapped an arm around my back and started tracing his fingers lazily up and down.

"Do you usually go home for Christmas?" I realised I didn't have a clue what he did on his holidays. "Sometimes." I got the sense that this might be a touchy subject for him. "Does your family not celebrate?" His body tensed slightly, and his hand that was stroking my back stilled. I wanted to look at him, but I knew he was more inclined to share if he wasn't looking at me. Several moments passed before his hand began to roam my back once more.

"I do not have family, so no, they do not." My heart sank. How could I be so insensitive? I lifted my head from his chest and straightened up, causing his hand to drop from my back. I opened my mouth to apologise, but he sensed this. "I do not need your sympathies, darling. It is all in the past." Merlin, he knows just about everything there is to know about me, and I don't know a single thing about him. I frowned when he chuckled lightly.

"Even if I could not feel your emotions, I would still be able to know what you're feeling. Your face is like an open book." He reached up and eased the crease in my brow. "I don't know anything about you." I admitted, though I knew I didn't need to. We sat for a moment just looking at each other, and I shivered when his hand dropped to cup my cheek. I climbed up to my knees and swung one leg over his lap to sit astride him.

He quirked an eyebrow and smirked. He knew I wasn't attempting anything untoward; I simply wanted to be closer. "You know more than most." His hands dropped to rest on my hips. I pursed my lips slightly, knowing that he was trying to avoid this conversation. After another long moment of silence, he sighed. "My mother died when I was young, and she was my only family."