ISN'T SHE LOVELY | hs

18 | MOVING ON

| MICKAYLA |
Monday 9th January, 2023

"Alright, Little Sun. Let's go meet Grandma, yeah?"

We're nine days into a New Year, and it's already going to be the best one for Anne especially. She gets to meet her granddaughter today, and we get to officially find out the sex of her, too.

It's going to be really awkward if LS is a boy, but we can all of course adapt if need be. I say that, but Harry has his heart set out on her being a little girl, and I doubt that's changed since we last spoke on Christmas day.

I needed some more time without him, even though it's been torturous. For the seventeen days before seeing Harry again, I was miserable and in a slump worse than the last. He wasn't here to see me through it though for obvious reasons, but I ended up managing with the help of my loved ones as well as on my own.

I pulled myself through and out the other side for the sake of my baby. I got up and out of bed every day, even though I wanted to wallow and cry, and looked after myself and her. I did it because it felt natural. I did it because I'd do anything for her. I did it because I love her like how a mother should love a child: unconditionally and fiercely.

As sad as it is to think about, Harry's fuck-up brought me closer to the baby. It made me realise a few things about myself, my past, my present and my future. I'm still not one-hundred percent on that last point, but I absolutely no longer refer to myself as Little Sun's surrogate.

I'm a mother, her mother, and I'm fucking proud.

I'm eighteen weeks along in the pregnancy, and she's showing herself more and more with every passing day. I have sore skin and stretch marks from her growth, but it's nothing that lotions and bubble baths won't fix. My feet are swollen and they ache like crazy, but I've got Elin, Pauli, Anne and Gemma running around after me every day; the four of them taking it in turns to look out for me with Ariza, Sarah, Mitch and even Bella helping out whenever they're free, too.

My boobs have doubled in size, which has been wild to witness considering I'm used to not having too much there, and they're still tender as hell, but I'm used to it now. I'm also still peeing like crazy, with mood swings that make me look crazy, but every bit of the process is worth it. Little Sun is worth it.

According to the baby books that I've taken up in reading recently, she should start kicking soon. Every pregnancy is different, though, and I can't wait to experience that moment for the first time.

I'm slipping on my faux fur coat, wrapping a scarf around my neck and tying on my Dr. Martens right now, the last part a little more awkward to do these days, before I'm waving a goodbye to SD and heading down to meet Anne. She just texted me to say that she's at the café across the street grabbing us tea, so I told her I'd head across to meet her outside.

There's no snow from Christmas day left behind; only slush. It's grey and gloomy, but I'm still smiling. I've got too much to be excited about to not, even though my heart still feels heavy with all it's gone through recently.

I'm so fortunate to have been surrounded by such incredible people, but I can't help but feel guilt knowing that they mainly sided with me. Yes, Harry did wrong. He hurt me and I'm the one physically more vulnerable because of the baby, but that doesn't mean he didn't need support and sympathy, too.

After learning about his past and his cunt of an ex, I made it clear to Pauli and Elin that I want them showing no hostility towards Harry at Sarah and Mitch's wedding in a little under a fortnight's time. I told them that Harry had his reasons for what happened, not delving into any more detail than that, and that I've forgiven him. We're moving past it as strictly friends; the sensible path for us that we'll follow properly this time.