A Helping Hand | MYG & KTH

11 ~ Truths Untold

Walking outside the next afternoon doesn't leave me feeling any better than I'd been feeling since Jin had left my studio in the house the evening before. It had been another sleepless night, and I was up and moving early today to make sure that everyone had breakfast and lunch before I had to leave in order to be at practice for Elemental and then for Stray Kid's practice afterwards, as well as Dreamcatcher's after that.

The tattoos I'd left the house to get during the night are more than sore at this point, several hours of practice having been the exact opposite of what they needed but not having cared in the slightest to even be the tiniest bit careful with them. My body is more than used to the pain anyways, the soreness of the new ink being nothing to that of what my body's been put through in the past.

And as I approach the row where I know the three tombstones sit polished as always, the soreness quickly fades from my mind. I know what I'm doing is only fueling my flame, is only torturing myself, but I knew from the moment Namjoon began to give me shit as soon as I'd approached him that this was where I was going to end up being at some point today.

When I finally reach the three, I feel nearly breathless as I read over the names once more. I don't recognize my movements as I slowly shift to sit on the grass in front of them, in front of the youngest that's sat in the middle. I can still remember the night I thought the entire world was coming to an end, the night this stone became necessary, the night I thought that if I couldn't end him then I'd damn well better die trying.

I don't feel the tears as they begin to slip down my cheeks, shaky hand reaching out to ghost the stone in front of myself before my eyes are fluttering shut, hearing the teachers frustrated and angry shouts as though it were happening all over again. I squeeze my eyes shut tightly as I remember all of the pain and hell I've been put through growing up, all of the hellish directions I never had any control in my life taking, feeling so very cold when my hand presses flat against the stone before me.

I take a raggedy deep breath as I force my eyes to open again, force myself to acknowledge my nightmarish reality, allow myself to begin breaking down in ways I haven't in so very long. It's difficult sitting here alone, so very fucking alone, looking at the damage that I didn't even create, feeling so out of myself as sobs begin to overtake my body.

My fingers graze over the dates carved so very carefully into the youngest stone, before they're dragging across the dates on my mothers stone, before my hand finally falls limply to the ground in front of me. My eyes drag my sight in the direction of my father's tombstone though, and ugly hatred pours out of my very being with every angry sob that falls from my lips.

"I will not become anything like you. And I will be damned if I allow Taehyung to take after you. I kept him out of the house for a reason, you fucking prick. You stay the hell away from my brother. I will rid you of your fucking stone if that's what it takes to put him back together, but he will not become you. You just watch. Just watch me. I hope hell is giving you everything you deserve and more." I growl out in wheezy breaths, hating the way my voice cracks, hating the way it shakes from the sobs.

I hardly notice it when the sky opens up and begins raining, though I pay close attention to the timing when it begins to thunder and lightning. It's on the third crack of thunder that I scream at the top of my lungs, screaming until I have no breath left, but I don't move, not until I feel myself finally begin to go numb. Not until the tears finally begin to subside. Not until the anger returns to low simmer, not until I finally feel myself begin to regain control of myself.

"I hate you. I hate what you've done to all of us. You're the reason I get myself into trouble, the reason I can't stand and refuse to let anyone walk all over me and treat me like shit. You're the reason this is all so hard. You're the reason Tae is like this. You never deserved any of us." I mutter bitterly, tone ice cold as I stand.