A Helping Hand | MYG & KTH

38 ~ I Don't Gamble

"Jaekyung, are you seriously fucking drinking right now?"

I scoff, grip around the bottle in my hand tightening as I glare at the wall in front of me rather than the elder in the dressing room with me. My tongue pokes at my cheek to try and keep myself half in check, pausing for a moment before lifting the bottle to my lips again, drinking as much as I can before I'm out of breath and pulling it away again, tossing it back into my bag before walking out of the apartment that I've moved back into. I have no interest in continuing to listen to Eunji bitch at me for returning strongly to the habits that I've been bitched my entire career for having, I've already put up with enough of her shit tonight back at the performance venue we'd just gotten back from and I don't need to hear anymore of it.

I pull my keys from my bag when I get out to the parking lot, hating where I know I'm headed. It's where I've spent a lot of my nights since I left the hospital if I've not been seeing Taeju for more tattoos, seems to be the only thing I can bring myself to do when I'm not drinking and smoking, when I'm not attending school or burying myself in the endless work that I have to be doing. Thankfully, Daewoo never really bothers with giving me tight and strict deadlines to follow for comebacks, and it allows me to take as much time as I care to take, especially since he knows I usually busy myself with song creation when I've got nothing better to do anyways.

When I finally put the car in park again, it takes me a few minutes before I can drag myself out of the car, grabbing the bottle out of my bag and trudging my way to the stones that miraculously didn't grow to be four, to the stones that haunt my every waking moment. The tears are already rolling by the time I'm plopping myself down in front of the three of them, shaking my head to myself as I uncap the bottle I'd brought with me, ignoring the pouring rain as I drain the bottle further.

All I can bring myself to do is sit and stare at the stones, letting the rain mask my tears. Occasionally scoffing at thoughts that pass through my muddled head, shaking my head when the tears get to be too overwhelming. At some point, I hear footsteps head in my direction, though I don't bother looking in their direction, instead just downing more of the alcohol I have with me.

"I thought I might find you here. You're going to get sick sitting in the rain all night like this." Taeju's voice is soft, just loud enough for me to hear over the roar of the rain, umbrella held above himself.

"You act as though I give a shit about that." I mutter bitterly, not removing my gaze from the stones sat in front of myself. I hear him sigh and shift, but he doesn't move any closer than where he's stood a few feet away yet.

I know there's a lot he wants to say, loads that he's dying to have the chance to say. I think he knows where I'm at mentally though, where I've been at since I left my brother in the hospital, and I know it's for that reason that he's not pushed our luck on it. I know he's worried about how I'm doing. I've engaged more in work lately than I normally do when I'm still in school, I've gone back and hit my normal habits harder and with more frequency than before, and I know he's worried about it.

"I must've been quite the shitty person in a past life to have the one I currently have, huh? Either than or just unlucky as fuck to still be alive after all the hell I've suffered through." I breathe out, soon feeling the rain get diverted from myself as he sets the umbrella down in my lap in a way that it shields me from the rain. I hear him pop a second umbrella open seconds later, and I let out a shaky sigh as I continue glancing between the three stones in front of me.

"Life's just fucking cruel sometimes, Jae. That's not your fault." Taeju murmurs just loud enough for me to hear over the pattering of the rain against our umbrellas, and a wry smile tugs at my lips.

"Cruel is one way to put it. I should've died in the fire that night. I should've fucking died in that fire and I couldn't even do that right. I should've died the night Minnie did. I didn't deserve to live past that night. There's no logical way I should've survived that fucking fire. None. And yet I'm still fucking here. I'm here and still paying the goddamn price for it anyways." I huff sourly, glaring at my father's gravestone. I had been the reason he set the place ablaze, it was meant to kill me, it should've fucking killed me. And yet it didn't. Managed to be enough to finally rid this world of his existence, but couldn't even be damned enough to make sure he took me out of this world with him.

"They still come in from time to time. They ask about you." Taeju comments, gaze averting to the stones in front of us. I snort at the news, rolling my eyes as I take another few sips from the bottle.

"And why in the hell would they ask about me? What, they want to make sure I'm suffering appropriately for causing my brother to nearly fucking die?" I question, hating the way the tears continue rolling down my cheeks like it's nothing. I've cried more lately than I have in the last several years, and I hate the feeling. I'm tired of the feeling.

"Jae, you didn't cause that. They're worried about you." Taeju counters, and I can hear his frown in his voice. I just sigh as the sound, pouting as I shake my head.

"They shouldn't be. They have no reason to be worried about me. They shouldn't care about someone like me. Not after all that happened at their house. Not after everything I've caused. Not after the mess I made." I mumble out dejectedly, gaze finally falling from the stones in front of us to the grass between myself and the stones.

"Jae..."

"They don't deserve to get dragged down with me. I got myself into this mess. I've lived my life like this for so fucking long, Taeju. I can't... I can't put them in harms way with me, and I can't get myself out of this mess. You know that as well as I do. Even if- even if I somehow did, it's me. It's my life. We're looking at the proof right now, that this is all that follows me. You've seen it yourself. I don't want this for any of them." I whisper, feeling my throat grow thick.

I hate this. I hate that this is all that ever follows me. That death is all that's ever surrounded me. Nothing good ever comes to me and if it does, it doesn't last long before it's all gone to hell. I don't want it to be this way, but I can't control that.

"Jae, that's never been your fault. You were just a kid, Jae. Hell, you still are. You didn't get to choose to have an abusive family. You didn't choose to get brought into this life. To hold yourself responsible for your sister and mother's death is to take the blame away from your father, and we both know he doesn't deserve that. To hold yourself responsible for all of the deaths that have occurred since his death, is to say that you didn't do that out of pure self defense and self preservation, and we both know that's what it was. You know we can both get you out of this mess, Jae. You're just afraid, and I don't blame you or fault you for that. You deserve to give yourself the right amount of credit where it's due though."

His voice is hardly any louder than mine had been, and I can hear it in his voice that he's trying not to cry. I know he wants to get me out, that he wants it for the purest reasons unlike every other asshole that's tried to rid me of my position. He can't do that without my cooperation though, not unless he wants to make this collection of stones four, and I'm grateful that he doesn't. That he respects my decision in this regard despite how much it may piss him off.

"Even if we got me out, even if death weren't the consequence for being too close to me... it still wouldn't work. I don't have the right kind of personality to mesh well with them. You know as well as I do that I was putting on a show for them, acting like I'm not some fucked up bitch that feels very little outside of pain, cold, and anger. It doesn't work." I mutter bitterly, thinking over all of the decisions I've made over my life, thinking over all the ways I'm more fucked up than what any of them could really handle.

"Somehow I think they could help with that. You seemed like you were doing pretty well with the guy you were dating." Taeju murmurs in disagreement. I don't have much an argument against it, finding myself shrugging in response.

"Maybe. I don't gamble though, Taeju. I never have, and that's not about to change either. I'd rather suffer this way the rest of my life than risk my brother's life again."