A Helping Hand | MYG & KTH

34 ~ What I Need

"You haven't taken a break in a while, you know." Yoongi points out softly from behind me. I try not to swallow audibly as I freeze, knowing fully well that he isn't wrong and that it's been entirely intentional. To say Taeju's words have been haunting me would be an understatement, and it's been enough to have me working around the clock and quit taking breaks from work to spend with Yoongi and the others, trying to do what I can to prevent what he's threatened to do. To get Taehyung and I where we are today was no easy feat when we were little, and it was something more difficult than nearly anything else I'd done my entire life up until now.

Keeping my brother out of the house when we were little was difficult and painful, killed me having to do it and killed me pushing my own twin away, killed me to make myself all alone until our baby sister had come into the picture, though that only made things more difficult. The night our baby sister died is the only thing that topped the pain and difficulty of pushing to get my brother out of the house, and if I can keep from it all being dug up, if I can prevent everyone from having to find out, then I'll do what I can.

He hadn't been wrong when he argued that I probably wouldn't turn Yoongi down. I'm much too befuddled with what has been going on between the two of us, have felt far too safe and secure with his presence, but what I know it will bring is enough to have me doing what I can to prevent Yoongi from asking for as long as possible. Even if I stop going to see Taeju outside of having to keep up with business, I know he'll find out eventually. And if he finds out, I'll be finished. And so will he. We all will.

"Jae."

I flinch when I feel hands landing gently on my shoulder, calming quickly at the warmth they provide as I tilt my head back to look up at the boy stood behind me. He's got a warm smile on his face as he gazes down at me, mild amusement in his eyes as they meet mine, shaking his head as he spins me around in the chair so that I'm no longer facing my desk. The action has me pouting, not appreciating the act in the slightest. It has my nerves building up once more, worried about what kind of conversation he's going to try and have with me as he moves to sit back down on the couch.

"What?" I question with a small pout, not wanting to deal with this if I can help it. I still have a lot of work left to get done yet, work being a never ending thing for me, and it's a fabulous distraction not only from the hell I live with but from what I've been trying to avoid here in this moment too.

He doesn't say anything though, small smile still on his lips as he pats the seat beside himself on the couch, bringing a small frown to my lips. His smile only grows when I don't move, motioning with his head next for me to get over there. I stay in my seat, getting the feeling that this is going to go exactly where I'm terrified for it to go, unsure of whether I'd be better off just breaking both our hearts now or if it's worth the risk to be giving in like this.

"Jae, you've not taken any breaks at all these last few days. I want to talk to you and it'd be good for you to give yourself a small break, even if just for a few minutes." Yoongi muses when he doesn't get the reaction he's clearly hoping for. I purse my lips at this, staring hard at the place beside of himself, soon sighing and begrudgingly getting my ass up.

If I don't give into this then I risk him getting upset and that'll only back everyone up and cause a trip hazard in trust that I don't need. I can't afford that at this point. They've all finally been really doing better lately, more than I'd thought they'd be able to, and I don't want to put that at risk.

"What do you want to talk about, Yoongi?" I ask once I've sat down beside himself, leaning forward to rest my elbows against my knees as I turn my head to look over at him. His smile grows at this, humming softly as he reaches out and takes one of my hands into his, and I reluctantly allow him to envelope my hand in his. He stays silent for a moment, gaze falling to our hands, watching as he carefully laces his fingers through mine, and I try not to let it be too noticeable when I'm sucking in another deep breath at the sight. His touch is so fucking gentle that it could make me cry, his innocent happiness at all of this, and I know where it's going and I hate that I know what I'm going to have to end up facing because of it.

"There's still a lot about me that you don't know. I can't... I can't tell you. Not now at least. But there's still a lot about me that you don't know, Yoongi." I breathe out, my voice hardly a whisper as my gaze locks on our intertwined fingers. I feel his gaze make its way up to my face at my words, but I don't bother moving my gaze, hating the tears that are forming in my eyes. I know what I'm putting at risk and I want desperately for him to change his mind about all of this so that I don't have to face him and my brother when the time eventually comes.

"I'm okay with that, Jae. There's plenty of things that just come with time. As long as you don't suddenly start trying to push me away, I'm more than happy to take that time with you." Yoongi's voice is soft and smooth, calm and confident, though not much louder than my own. I let out a shaky breath at this, hesitantly bringing my gaze up to meet his as I try to keep the tears that want to form hidden. His gaze is so warm and light, and I find myself mentally cursing as I sit myself upright and use my free hand to rub over my face, trying to get my shit together.

I'm terrified of what's happening right now, of what I know I'm going to end up letting happen, and I can only hope that Taeju hadn't been serious, hope that he won't ruin everything for me. Can only hope he won't ruin everything for me the very first time I bother allowing anyone any sort of trust.

"I really like you, Jae. I'm happy to wait if you need time first though."

My head snaps over in Yoongi's direction, eyes widening slightly at I look at him, and I hate how calm he appears right now. Hate that I'm being put in this position right now. I let my gaze fall back down to our hands as I bite my lip, not liking the fact that the ball is in my court at the moment.

"I don't know what I need." I mutter, thinking about how if there's anything I need right now, that it's a fucking miracle. I have no idea what I'm doing here with him right now, no idea what the hell to say or what to expect, no idea how badly I could possibly fuck this up and not wanting to think about that. I just watch as he runs his thumb over the back of my hand lightly, frustrated still by how easy it is for him to put me at ease.

I'm caught off guard when I feel his hand land softly on my cheek, jolting lightly as I snap my gaze back up to him. There's a tiny smile on his lips, eyes flickering between my own.

"You don't have to worry so much, Jae. If you need time, I'll wait as long as you need. I'm not trying to have this conversation just to scare you. If you're not interested, I get it. I figured it was better to have this conversation sooner rather than later though, and let this drag out if it doesn't need to." Yoongi murmurs, a certain lightness to his eyes that leaves me floundering.

"I... Yoongi..." I mumble, hardly being able to make sense of a single thought flying through my head at the moment. The gentle amusement returns to his face at my inability to find words, not seeming too surprised by all of this.

"Yoongi, I... I've never..." I breathe out, trying to figure out to piece together a coherent sentence, more than one concern flaring up at all of this.

"It's okay, Jae. I had a feeling that you've not been in a relationship before. That's okay. It's nothing to be insecure over. It doesn't change anything for me. We can take things as slow as you want, as long as you want this too." Yoongi counters, voice hardly louder than a whisper. I take a deep breath at all of this, gaze falling back down to our clasped hands, and I find myself letting my eyes fall shut, cursing myself for giving in as I nod in answer.

I can only hope I'm not going to regret this, that this won't be nearly the mistake I'm worried it will be. The smile I find when I open my eyes manages to settle my nerves enough for now though.