Destiny

16.Dont want to be alone.

Bright

Honestly, after i decide to accept my husband, everything become easier. I am trying to fulfill my roles as his husband. I really try to find my own happiness. Maybe he is the one who will bring my happiness back. Looking back at  previous years, everytime when i  felt really down and sad, he always there for me. He is the the one i can scold and yell at. He never angry and accept all of my mood swing. We rarely together, but magically, he always there when i need someone. I dont love him right now, but i definitely not hate him and may be start to like him. I know I need him now.

He is really different when i officially become his husband compare to before. He dont listen to me as much as he used to be. Sometime i felt sad and sulky. He always make me angry. But he really dont care about my protest. He have his own way of thinking. He is really cold person. Its hard to see him speak loudly and he hate it when i yell. Its must be frustrating for him before, because i cant help but yell at him especially when i was traumatized by that night accident.
He dont pampered me like i expected. I imagine he will treat me like a prince, but he dont. He really scary when he angry. Its hard to convince him even i use my tears. He so firm at any situation. He act like normal husband who are very dominant  but loving person. I like it because even he is firm and serious, he still talk and do everything gently. He make sure he and i get all our right fairly. It just a normal relation between spouse. I need to accept this and i can see he try to adjust himself with me. Like i said, he is firm but also soft husband. I cant even negotiate about my plan. He coldly reject my suggestion. But honestly, i am not that angry or annoyed. I dont know why, naturally i just follow his lead.

The most suprise thing for me is, i can enjoy our intimate moment. Even i dont have this kind of relation with win before, i definitely know, we need to love each other to enjoy our sexual life.
He know how to make me happy and of course because he have a lot of experiance before that i dont want to know. I still suprise and shock when he claim his right at our first night. That was never in my  expectation. At first i thought he will force me like that night but he gently and patiently coaxing me and i lastly surender to him. He definitely not the monster i scare of. Its really weird, when his people and helper so scare of him. Beside that night, i never see him being cruel or anything.
He is just normal person for me.

I read at the article carefully. I take my time and slowly understand the situation. I look at my happy go lucky bunny look so cold in the picture. Please move on i pray in my heart. I thought i will be cry a river like i usually do. But i really dont know from where this calmness come from. I thought i will dead if i see this, but still i am here alive. I know i am hurt but deep down i pray for his happiness so both of us can move on. When i heard my husband voice, i quickly close the news and go to him. He look worry. What happen, why are you come back, did you forgot something i ask him non stop. He look at me and hug me tight. What wrong , i ask again. I miss you, and i forgot very important thing today ,he said.  Sweet talker i said and he just laugh. Where is it, i can get ot for you, i offer to help. No need i will  do it myself, he said and gently lift me up. Phi, i call him. He did not reply just bring me to his office. Luckily i already change and a bit presentable. What wrong phi, i ask him when we already at his office. I know he is busy guy. Is he worry about win news will hurt me i ask myself.  Nothing, i am bored and i need to see you, he said and kiss my hair. You can sit here or in the cabin. Can you kitten, he ask me. I look at his worry face. Ok, i said and go to his cabin. He have everything for me here. I rarely come but he make sure all i need is prepared. Thank you, i gratefully said in my heart.

Can i meet win , i ask my husband. He who are working in our bedroom stop and look at me. He really work all the time. Why, he ask me. I promise to congratulate him before. I said calmly.
Can you acompany me phi, i ask him. Okay he said calmly and continue working. I know he will arrange it for me. I really need to end our relation in good note. I felt guilty for leaving win withhout any word. I have been haunted by feeling guilty. I know i need to ask for forgiveness even, i dont think win will need my sorry anymore. I cant let him live like a machine. I need to end what i start. But honestly i am scare , that why i need my husband. He still focus on his work and i slowly go to him. He look at me. I sit on his lap and hug him. I put my head on his warm chest. I am sorry phi, but i am really grateful for you, i said. I really can explain how i felt, but i am happy its you, i said again. He did not response to me but calmly pat my back.
I really need his warmness. I need his hug. Then after a moment he continue working while i sleep on his lap. I really dont want to be alone. I am saying good bye to my first love.

08.10.23