Ice, steel and shadows -ACOMAF au

Amelia

"How are you feeling today?" Davina timidly asked, brushing back my curls. I sighed- when I returned to the Winter Court, I had been positive things would be infinitely better, that I would be happy again.

But the three months I'd spent back home had proved me wrong. Everyone was walking on eggshells around me, while at the same time they pretended that nothing had happened. Nobody in the palace wanted to talk about Amarantha's reign, or even the bargain with the Night Court- the bargain that still held in case of war.

Davina, who once was my best friend, was nothing more than a kind and respectful servant to me- the truth was that I felt extremely lonely. Nobody understood or was willing to understand what I had gone through at the Spring Court and later on Under the Mountain. Nobody acknowledged the nightmares that had me vomiting in a bin in the middle of the night or my guilt about what had happened.

"A new beginning, that's what we all need." My father said, but he couldn't understand that as long as the past's trauma held, there was no way for me to move forward.

The only people that seemed to understand were the Archeron sisters- we wrote to each other and despite being at the Spring Court and seemingly everything in their lives being repaired, the past still haunted them.

"Alright, how about you?" I told Davina, plastering a fake smile on my face. "Well enough, miss- Erm Amelia. You have post downstairs." I softly nodded, a kind request to be left alone. Davina seemingly understood, nodding back before gracefully departing.

I let my head drop, my forehead touching the cool surface of my desk. I hadn't even slept the previous night- nightmares had been torturing me till dawn. I really hoped Feyre and Lilith were better off as I slid downstairs to grab my post.

My mother was sat at the kitchen, a variety of breakfast choices in front of her. "Good morning darling. How are you?" She softly asked, and I smiled, even though I knew it didn't reach my eyes. "Quite alright. I slept well." I lied- I had once again spent my night vomiting over the toilet. "That's very good." My mom encouragingly beamed- I doubted she believed me, but decided not to press the issue.

"Go on, eat something." She said, motioning to all the breakfast choices: eggs, little sandwiches, croissants. It all looked delicious, but I didn't have an appetite, so I dodged the subject of eating. "Where's dad?" My mother's smile dimmed, and she looked away, almost...guiltily. "Um, providing help. To a...village, nearby."

I sighed again- it was too early in the morning to have such a pounding headache. There was that subject as well: for the three months I'd been in the Winter Court, I had been restricted to the castle, not once having set foot in the city and the villages. It was extremely illogical, I should've been out there, helping my people, discussing with them, showing them I was there to stay, but my parents were extremely overprotective, especially with Amarantha's beasts still wandering.

And they wouldn't hear anything about it. "Mom-" "Don't. Please don't Amelia." My mother murmured, rubbing her temples. "You know I love you so much, but you can't go outside. Not yet. You're not ready." I clenched my teeth in anger. "Perhaps you aren't ready." I argued, trying to keep my calm.

My mother clenched her teeth as well, a perfect match for my stubbornness. "Perhaps neither of us are ready! After what happened with...I could trust nobody, absolutely nobody after- after that." Her lower lip wobbled, and I felt sick just thinking she might cry. "Ok, ok." I quickly said, taking a seat. "It's ok, I won't go out yet."

She stood up from the table, and stormed off. My heart hurt, but I understood: the pain of being stripped of your own child by someone you considered a best friend was probably unbearable. The betrayal, the hurt, the anguish- we all had things to deal with, I presume.

I shot a look at the food laying on the table, untouched, and then turned my eyes on my post. Letters from Feyre and Lilith- since I had nothing better to do, I grabbed them and went to my room again, locking the door behind me and taking a seat on the bed.

They were both bored out of their minds- just like me. If only I was allowed to see them...Feyre was getting married. She had apologised, but for obvious reasons, I wasn't invited. Even if I were, I hardly think I would be allowed to go.

Allowed! As if I were a fifty year old baby.

Lilith was, theoretically, allowed to roam around freely, and had visited her sisters- their father was away for travels- once or twice, but was remaining at the Spring Court, both to help Feyre with the wedding preparations and anything else she needed, but also to try and ease her own pain, to try and heal.

From her letters, I knew it wasn't really working. She wasn't outright admitting it, but I knew it was bad.

Bad enough that I was afraid of what situation she would be in when I saw her again.

I quickly wrote back, telling the two sisters of my own struggles- with my parents, with Davina, with not being able to adjust back to reality.

I finished my letters more quickly than I would've liked- I was once again empty, with nothing to do, but listen to my torturous mind.

I wondered where my notebook had gone, the one containing my conversations with Azriel.

I'd cursed at him, humiliated him, told him I'd hated him- especially at first, when I was all alone, at the unknown Spring Court, with a mask permanently plastered on my face. But I'd also talked to him: daily, about almost everything- I convinced myself it was mere habit, that urge I had to talk to him, but deep down I knew it was more.

"Hey dove. Missed me?" He beckoned me in dreams, and I woke up sweaty, wondering if it was a nightmare or the best dream of my life.

Mother, did I miss everything he, and Rhysand, and his court put me through?

No- but I did miss him. Just a little bit.

And even though I didn't miss the Spring Court, not exactly, I still missed its gorgeous gardens and its large library, and those hilarious dinners, and Feyre and Lilith, and Lucien.

A tiny part of me even missed Tamlin, for Cauldron's shake.

What was wrong with me?