Ice, steel and shadows -ACOMAF au

Amelia

I stood gaping at the spot Rhysand, Feyre and Lilith had been only moments ago- there and then gone. This winnowing thing had to be very useful- especially at awkward situations like seeing Lucien again- which I hoped wouldn't happen for a long, long time yet.

A loud flapping noise interrupted my thoughts, making me raise my head towards the sky- damn it, I thought as I surveyed Azriel flying towards me, his enormous wings tucked behind his back, two strands of his hair glued on his forehead.

He made a soft descend on the veranda, as far away from me as the relatively small space allowed. "Azriel." I murmured- I wasn't sure why I said his name. Damn it, was my flirting really that rusty? Flirting? Why would I be flirting? Amelia, concentrate!

Azriel cleared his throat, looking annoyed. I realised he had been saying something- I just had no idea what. "Um, excuse me?" I murmured, awkwardly shifting my weight from one foot to another. "I asked you if you're ready to go." I opened my mouth and closed it again- I was a bit lost, but that was an understatement.

"Look." Azriel sighed, rubbing his temples. "I know you don't like me. That's ok, you don't have to. I know you'd prefer Cassian to take you home, but he's not available right now, which means you can either come with me or stay here. What is it gonna be?" I broke out of my daze, blinking at him.

"It's not that I don't like you Azriel." I murmured. Quite the opposite actually. He raised an eyebrow, looking at me closely. "But you have done some really shitty things. And I understand that you probably had your reasons. But they were still shitty, and I trusted you. I really did. Which makes this even more fucked up. And it's not that I prefer Cassian- it's that he wasn't the one who knew all my struggles at the Spring Court: the panic attacks, the anxiety, the breakdowns etc, and still didn't do anything. You were the one that did that, Az."

Azriel was staring at me dumbfounded, as if he had never thought of those things before. His fists were clenched, and I could see so many indecipherable emotions in his eyes. "Don't you think I fucking regret all of that? Don't you think it haunts me every single day? Don't you know that Rhysand had to physically drag me back here, multiple times, after I nearly risked war to get you out of the Spring Court?"

I ignored the beat my heart skipped at his words- I ignored the tears pricking my eyes. This didn't change anything. "What I said still stands. There were a lot of almosts, Azriel. But you never acted. And guess what- there was already a war going on. I was the stupid one for thinking we were-" My voice wobbled, but I clenched my teeth. I wouldn't cry. "Friends."

Azriel's throat bobbed. He seemed about to say something, but shut his mouth, pursing his lips tightly. "That is an interesting point of view, Amelia." He coldly said. "Now, shall we?" He extended his hand, and I cursed the goosebumps running over my skin. I hadn't touched him- not in centuries.

I could bet half of my palace that Cassian wasn't even busy- this was the kind of thing he and Rhysand found funny. Knowing I had no other choice, I delicately gripped Azriel's scarred fingers- they were softer than I expected. Calloused, from the use of weapons, but soft. I heard him harshly shallow as he pulled me to his chest.

His skin was warm too- another thing I didn't expect. Carefully, he placed both of his hands on my waist, lifting me in his arms. He smelled like ash and eucalyptus- a scent so specific I was sure I'd always associate it with him.

I debated asking him to let go of me and beg him to send someone else to take me home, but I wouldn't appear as a weak, little girl. Because I wasn't one anymore. I took a deep breath, and stared him evenly in the eye as we took flight.

He, of course, was as gorgeous as I predicted when flying: the wind swept against his hair, his eyes shone, and his body held firm, making flying seem like a game of charades.

He quietly flew us the entire way- I had to fight the urge to bury my head in his chest, and just rest. Flying with him felt awfully peaceful- I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't safe with him, that I couldn't let my guard down, that I could not trust him.

I started looking down as I felt the Winter Court's chill on my exposed skin- Azriel didn't offer me his jacket, merely tightened his grip, almost flattening me against his chest. The bastard was so lean that his stomach was hard against my back.

He made a slow and soft descend, not showing off, unlike Cassian- and much to my disappointment, even though I'd never admit it, he let go of me immediately when we stepped on solid ground.

I couldn't stop looking at him, as much as I willed myself to- flying did wonders for him. "You're home. Um, if there's nothing you need-" He trailed off- he couldn't wait to get away from me.

"I don't." I drily said. "So...is this goodbye?" Azriel murmured, his voice unexpectedly soft. I knew he was asking just so he could report back to Rhysand, and yet it felt oddly intimate. Like it was more than that.

"I...haven't decided yet." Azriel bowed his head, something like respect in his eyes. "I trust you will make the right decision Amelia. You're...very different now." I didn't want to decipher his words- didn't want to waste what could be our last moment together.

"I hope so, Azriel. I don't really like who I once was. I was far too weak." Azriel chuckled- the sound was raw and nearly sad. "You were...softer. But- I like the new you equally. Perhaps more. It's good to see you standing up for yourself." "Why? Planning to send me to spy on a foreign court again? That toughened me up alright."

All traces of humour immediately left Azriel's face, but I didn't regret my words. The truth hurt, but it was there. No point in ignoring it. "Be safe Amelia." He sighed, turning his back on me, as if unable to stare me in the eye any longer. I sighed as well: there was that.

"You too Azriel." I said, and forced myself to walk away. One foot in front of the other, I put distance between myself and the shadow master- but when I heard large wings beating against the air, I couldn't help but turn back for one final glance.

He was hovering many feet above the ground, but his hazel eyes immediately found mine and I felt my breath leaving me as if it was too a whoosh of air.

We kept eye contact for a bit, and then he flew away.

He wasn't leaving me, I tried to reason with myself. I hadn't asked him to stay and I didn't want him to-

Fuck this, I thought and walked to the castle, hoping seeing my parents after the week at the Night Court would destroy that nostalgic pain in my chest.

...

The nostalgic pain remained, weighing down my every movement. I hadn't told my parents about Rhysand's offer yet- I was planning to give myself some time to think it through first. An alliance with the Night Court- what would that mean? A relationship of trust surely- I didn't fully trust Rhysand, but I knew he was honest about the looming war and the slaughters.

I had eavesdropped on some of my father's conversations and realised that even though he didn't know as much as Rhysand, he wasn't entirely clueless either.

Perhaps such an alliance would be beneficial for both of our courts- we would be powerful together, that was certain.

But could trust be achieved?

...

I had exchanged a few letters with Feyre and Lilith- Feyre was back together with Tamlin: things still weren't ideal between them, but they were trying, which meant she was completely negative to allying herself with Rhysand. Lilith was negative too: she insisted she didn't trust a thing Rhysand did or said.

I was too tired to agree or disagree- I decided that if Rhysand, Azriel and the rest of them wanted an answer, they'd have to wait for it.

I was not at their disposal.

Not anymore.