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I left, I didn't just leave her. I left my home. I flew out of state to get some sort of peace. Alex held my hand the whole time and I appreciated it. I appreciated her.
But there was only so much I could take. And I was at my breaking point. •••••
Sitting up from the table I wiped my eyes. "Jan, I've known you for a long time... you've wanted this for a long time. Are you sure?" I nodded. "Yes Addie I'm sure, I can't do it anymore it's not a smart decision it's not a calculated move."
"Janet these things are never calculated moves." I shook my head and laid back down. "I'm ready." Nodding her head she proceeded. "I'm ready." I repeated to myself.
"Wait!" •••••••
I stared at the wall of my hospital room completely ignoring the door opening and closing. "Mommy, I'm here." I wasn't one to ignore my baby but I wanted to be alone. "Ms.J please talk to us." I didn't say anything. "Hey guys, just give her a minute I'll come into the waiting room and get you when she's ready."
"How are you feeling?" I sighed. "Come on J, at least let me check your vitals." I sat up and looked at the wall past her while she listened to my heartbeat. "Everything looks good, but I'll have to keep you for some time." I didn't say anything I just laid back down.
The door to my hospital room opened again. I didn't bother to look because I could smell her from here. She didn't say anything all she did was get into bed and hold me. I couldn't hold my tears any longer. "I know."
I was numb. That's how I felt. Why didn't I just ignore her the first day I met her. Why did I have to go and feel things for her. Why? Alex wiped away my tears and told me how much I'd be okay but I was already ok. I didn't regret my decision.
It was needed. This was necessary. I couldn't.. I couldn't be attached anymore. This was the day I realized I was better off with Beyoncé out of my life.
•••••
A year later
I quit my job teaching. I don't work for Alex at all anymore. I moved out of Texas and I'm an English professor at Columbia University in New York. I've moved on or at least I convinced myself that I've moved on.
I was in the car on the phone with Ariana and the rest of the kids. I told her I was headed to the airport . "Yes honey I'm on my way." I didn't make her choose. I didn't give her an ultimatum we are her parents and if she chose to stay in a place where she was comfortable I have no problem with it.
I made sure to check in with Kerry before I went to Megan and Ari's place. I was so proud of them for getting their own, for being independent. I rode to the back and parked getting ready to surprise them.
"Are you guys ready?" I asked them and they started talking all at once. Graduation for them was obviously exciting. I chuckled.
What I would give to be back in a school environment learning instead of teaching. "Mommy if you miss my graduation I will never speak to you again." I chuckled stepping into Megan's home.
