All I Know | Bojan Cvjetićanin

20. Žal Mi Je

Eva's POV

We arrived in Maribor a little later than planned due to the hectic situation earlier today. On the way there the boys put up a post on their socials informing their fans of Nace's absense, but that tonight's show was still going on as planned. Meanwhile, I listed to the basslines I recorded with Nace for tonight's setlist.

There was already a sizable queue, but the vans headed straight inside to the backstage area, where all of us were quickly hooked up to the sound system with our in-ear monitors. Thankfully I had brought my own on the trip. They were still in my suitcase from the trip to LA, and they seemed like the perfect hearing protection for watching the band. But in the rush of getting ready for soundcheck, the hands of a stranger everywhere and nowhere. The cables, the sound pack, it was hard not to get flashbacks to the times when it was me going on stage, when I was on the edge of breaking down. But those thoughts almost instantly disappeared when Bojan walked up to me with that all too familiar big smile of his. "All good?" I nodded and quickly pecked his lips before I was being dragged to the next person.

After being given Nace's bass I had a quick one on one with their sound engineer to ensure the inears played the sound in the way I wanted to. Not much later, I was on stage with four fifths of Joker Out, ready for soundcheck. I thought being up on stage, even without a crowd, would feel worse. I imagined it would feel like when Jure suggested I'd be playing the bass up on stage with them, like I couldn't breathe, like I was closing in on having a panic attack, but it never actually reached that point. It felt uncomfortable, but nothing quite as disastrous.

Jure started counting down and we started playing Katrina. The uncomfortable feeling remained at first, but once we were on the third song, it had completely disappeared. I was joking around with the others, doing silly dances, stealing glances at Bojan. We did a couple of more songs before time ran out and we had to move off stage. I took the instrument with me, just so I could go over the songs and practise a few more times before showtime.

"You seemed like you were enjoying yourself." Bojan said when the two of us were in their dressing room together. Jan, Jure and Kris went out to meet some fans that were queuing, so it was just the two of us.

"I did." I said, feeling the smile on my face grow. "Your music is really energetic, it's impossible not to get hyped up."

Bojan grinned and sat down on the couch, pulling me along with him. I settled into his side and sighed contently when he wrapped his arms around me. "Eve." Bojan murmured in a tone that had to turn around to face him. "I know you said you never wanted to perform on stage again. I know that what happened still affects you to this day, even if you don't take medication or see a therapist anymore. But I believe you're stronger than your fears, Eva. You're such a strong woman. You don't have to ever go on stage again. But if there's even a little doubt in your mind, what better first step to take then to be on stage with four friends who are there to support you, no big return, no notice, no press. No pressure but to have a good time. You're helping us out so much. Let us help you as well."

Even though Bojan's idea should be freaking me out, I was surprisingly calm given his suggestion. "Bojč..." I whispered softly and moved closer to him, his arms tightening around my upper body in return. "I did have a lot of fun." I started off. "Just as much fun as I had jamming with you guys in the studio. And I don't hate your idea." I said and nuzzled my head into his neck. "I don't feel the need to be up on any stage again. The being rushed before soundcheck, I can't deny it brought back memories I wish I had forgotten. Everyone's there for you guys. I'll just be in the back, kay?"

"If that's what you want, of course." Bojan murmured before kissing my head. "I'm happy you're stepping up regardless."

"Thank you for understanding." I whispered softly and nuzzled my head back in his neck.