Forever His Princess

-fifty five-

AMARI ROUSSEAU

I couldn't sleep nor could I shake my headache so I had spent the last couple of hours trying to keep myself busy with any task I could find. For the past hour, that was folding every piece of clothing in our room.

I saw Niko walk in through the corner of my eye before he sat on the bed and started watching me. I ignored him and continued to mumble to myself absentmindedly.

"You're starting to regret coming back to me, aren't you?" He said softly, making me look up at him wordlessly and his expression dropped massively.

"I told myself I wasn't going to think like that."

"It crossed your mind though?" I chewed on the inside of my cheek, going back to my folding. "Amari-"

"You're asking if I'm leaving you and you know better than anyone I love you too much to do that again. The first time broke me and Manny, I'm not even debating leaving. Besides, we're safer with you, Niko."

"You are."

"But that's also what worries me. If you weren't there in the house or if I took Manny and left to live somewhere else, the situation could've been worse. I almost killed someone but without you there it would've been us getting killed instead. And that is fucking terrifying, Nikolai.

I have no one to blame but myself for the impossible situation I'm in. I don't want to keep living like this but I don't want to leave you. But at the same time, I can't just turn around and pretend all of this isn't happening, I can't fucking avoid any of it." I said, louder than I expected.

"Princess-" I groaned loudly in frustration, putting the shirt I was midway through folding down and stood directly in front of him.

"For fuck's sake, just- just help me understand because I feel so fucking lost right now. What did you do to all these people for them to want to kill you so bad, huh?" He looked at me in shock. "Answer me, please- when I came back, you said you'd answer anything I asked so go on." Niko nodded slowly and motioned for me to sit next to him.

I sat down cross legged and his hand went to my knee, drawing circles on it.

"When I started out with leading all of this, I was young and to be perfectly honest, I was given more power than I should've. I had my father's name to live up to and there were very few ways I could. I had to make my presence known, I had to-" He paused and looked over at me for a second. "I had to kill more people than I'm willing to admit, make an example out of them. Me taking down Omar's sex and human trafficking rings were my most well known ones.

I don't regret doing that part of it because so many people were saved and returned to their families but the people I killed, as vile as they were, they still had families. Some came for me immediately so I had no choice but to take them out too. I thought, at the time, it was a good idea to take out anyone I thought would come after me too and again, those people also had families.

It was impulsive, I didn't think long term and all the shit I did when I started out all those years ago, have come to bite me in the ass." He took my hand, balling it into a fist and kissed my knuckles before leaning his forehead against it. "Amari, I am not that person anymore, I won't- I can't kill the way I used to, without thinking of the families I'm affecting."

"So what, we just stay in hiding until we send Manny off to uni?"

"No... if I have to bring back that version of me then so be it but I don't know if I'll be able to rein it in once it's done."

"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it."

"That short term thinking is the same reason I have all these people trying to kill me." He moved my braids out of my face and kissed my forehead. "Do you want some time to think on everything?" I nodded slowly and he smiled lightly in response. "Alright. Try and get some rest too." He muttered before standing up, pulling back the blanket for me to lie down.