You're Supposed to Hate Me

Chapter 15

Travis

He pissed me off. He pissed me off so fucking much. Every goddamn word that left his stupid mouth pissed me off.

One moment we were fine, the next I was pinning him to the wall. "Fuck you." I sneer, my brows pinched together, and eyes narrowed.

He stares up at me, his hand slowly moving to my chest in attempt to push me away, but it was soft, like he didn't care if I budged or not.

I knew he could feel my heart pounding against his hand. I could see it in the look in his eye. He looked so calm, yet slightly scared.

My hands were above his head, planted firmly against the wall. Our breathing was rapid as we both stare at each other.

"Fuck you, Sal Fisher." I repeat, my voice full of hatred and annoyance. I hate him. I hate him so much.

All he said was that he understands what I'm going through, but he doesn't understand shit. He doesn't understand me. Nobody understands me. Nobody understands what I go through every fucking day, because nobody cares enough about me to truly learn about me.

He didn't say a word. He just stared at me blankly, as if he was trying to read me.

"Say it." I bark, my nose scrunching up in disgust as I wait for him to say the words I needed to hear. "Fucking say it, Sal." Three words. Say those three words. 'I hate you'.

His hand clenches around my shirt, and I could feel his hand tremble. Just a bit.

"I..." He pauses, swallows, then continues. "I love you." He whispers, his voice barely audible because of his prosthetic. But it was just enough, just enough to where I could hear every word that fell out of his mouth. 

I instantly reel back, stepping away from him. "What?" I stare at him blankly, and I could hear my heart start to pound in my ears.

This wasn't what was supposed to happen. He was supposed to hate me. He was supposed to say he hates me. He wasn't supposed to say that. Why did he say that?

"I love you." He repeats, his voice louder, the softness that was usually in his voice disappearing. His voice was just deep, rough. Honest.

I shake my head, a lump forming in my throat as my hands clench together tightly. "No you don't." I whisper, tears threatening to form in my eyes.

Why the fuck does he always know how to push my buttons? Why does he always make me feel so fucking vulnerable? Why does he make me feel weird? What the fuck is he doing to me?

"You don't fucking love me." I shake my head, stepping away from him as he steps closer to me. I couldn't fight back the tears and they were now forming in my eyes.

I felt pathetic, crying in front of Sal Fisher.

Nobody loves me. I don't even know what love is. I don't know what love is supposed to feel like. How could he love me? How could he even say that he loves me? I've treated him like shit ever since he moved to Nockfell. This has to be some sick fucking joke that Larry told him to play on me... Right?

"You don't love me. You don't even know me. I'm too fucked up for you." I shake my head, closing my eyes tightly in attemp to hold back the tears. I open my eyes again, and he was closer.

"I fucking hate you." I whisper, swallowing hard to try and make the lump in my throat disappear, to make everything disappear.

I turn away from him, his door flying open as I swing it open. And I walk out of his room.

I grab my stuff from the floor near the door and I walk out. I leave him there.

~~~

Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin. Being gay is a sin.

I am a sinner.

God will not forgive me for this sin. I wouldn't forgive me.

I don't even love myself. So why the fuck did Sal say he loves me? What could he see in someone like me?

How can he love me when I don't know the definition of love. I don't know what love is supposed to feel like. I don't know how to know if I'm in love. I don't know. I don't know.

What is wrong with me? What is he doing to me? What am I doing to me?