Brunette Bitch (beeduo high school AU)

why am i here?

blubo pov:

Waking up might be the worst part of my day. It's 6:50 am and I can't keep my eyes open. I have no motivation, or reason to go to school, so why should I? I could just go to sleep, skip school, and sleep until the next day. Keep sleeping until the next day. And the next, and the next, and the next, and the next, sleep until the end of time. I wish that was the case. I wish I didn't have responsibilities to take care of, places to be, people to please. I wish I could just wallow in self pity. I miss him.

Ten minutes later I'm still in bed, and I'm strongly considering faking being sick. It wouldn't be too hard of a sell, I don't even have to lie about feeling terrible. My eyes are puffy, my nose is red, My chest aches, although not as much as my heart. My arms are sore, and it's kind of hard to breathe too. At this point maybe I am sick. I look up in bed still and my head pounds. I can't think straight anymore.

Tears bubble my eyes as I think of him, and how easy it would be for him to just walk this off, and forget about me. 

Forget about me.

Forget about me.

He could move on, his heart perfectly untouched, not having a care in the world about me! All because I wasn't significant enough to stay in his memory.  He could throw me away like a piece of trash, and that's exactly how I feel right now.

I never make the decision whether I go to school or not, because I fall asleep and wake up at 9 am. Someone clearly checked up on me because there's a wet towel on my forehead, and a note in my hand. 

I groggily blink, one eye at a time much like a frog, and raise my hand to read the note.

'Hey Tubbo, I don't know what happened to you, but you seem sick. I'm letting you stay home. There are leftovers in the fridge :) feel better  soon

love dad'

Huh, that's a little odd. I don't remember going to sleep after showering? My hair is wet, and my cheeks are too. 

It comes flooding back. The break up, the crying, the midnight Romeo and Juliet. I didn't shower, well not the hygienic kind, I showered myself in tears. God I'm a mess, and nothing without him.

For the next hour I'm contemplating my existence and importance to this world, and how much better off everyone would be without me. Well, I don't really know if it actually is  an hour. I've been staring at the ceiling. Not at a clock.

Everything reminds me of him. My clothes, my bed, my everything. Just him, him, him. Never anything that's me, that's truly me. Not anyone else. I miss myself. I miss having a full heart. It's been too long since I've been myself, uninfluenced by him. God, I can't even bring myself to say his name. I'm just that weak without anyone else to depend on. 

I turn my head to the pillow my phone is on, and it's 11:43, or is it 11:34? All I know is that it's been more than my anticipated 1 hour. 

It's not an important enough time for me to get out of my state, so I stay sad in my bed.

Unmotivated.

Unimpressed.

Uninfluenced.

I'm nothing without someone else.     

I'm weak alone.

I'm sad alone.

I'm sickly alone.

And I'm really just a disgusting waste atoms, doing nothing for the world I was so graciously put onto. I don't deserve this. I don't get to have life's best views, I don't get the most money, the most health, the most happiness, I've done nothing to earn that. And If I do nothing, then what's the point of living? It's clear from previous trains of thoughts that I'm nothing but a burden.  A fat. Heavy. Good for nothing. Burden. Just a thorn on people's side. And no one thinks good of me. If he doesn't care enough to communicate with me, to even ask if I've been hurt, or worse, violated, than I must not be enough to him.

And to me, he was the only standard I would ever have to meet. But now we're over, I don't think any standard could sway me. I don't belong on Earth, and the Earth never did anything bad to deserve me. So why am I here? Everyone was put here for a reason. Mine can't be: A fucking pain in your ass. So what is it? Why is it. Who do I serve? Who do I benefit from being here? It certainly isn't anyone I know right now. 

I can't think straight throughout the day. I'm only thinking about him. Not very straight of me.

But I almost don't get out of bed at all. I'm there for almost all of the day, and I feel an emptiness. I can't breathe.

It's getting harder and harder to breathe until I feel faint. My head is even dizzier than before and I feel as though the bed is disappearing underneath me. I like I'm falling down a hole with no end. And when I try to look up, there seems to be no beginning. Just an endless loop I'll never get out of. And why do I feel like this is all my fault? Why do I feel like I put myself in this position? I didn't. I know I didn't. But I can't even feel my hair around my neck. I can't feel my emotions. I can't see anything. I can't see. Everything is fading except for a loud voice in my head. But it's not mine. It's him saying, 

"How could you do this to yourself?"

963 words