Fine Line

You Could Loose It All

Since moving to London, Alessia had been FaceTiming Ella daily. Initially Ella waited by her phone for the strikers calls, excited to see what she had gotten up to, but as the days went on, she found herself dreading them, realising that Alessia was growing in her new home. She didn't seem to miss Manchester at all, and it hurt.

Ella's chest felt heavy, her body ached, her mind was so tired. She had given everything, all of her effort and time to Alessia. In her gut, the fire that had ignited that night in Millie's months ago, was now one of intense resentment.

Worst of it all, she knew it would happen. She still immersed herself selflessly into Alessia's world and all of this pain, the night with Ona, Joe, her panic attack, her loosing her flat, all of it... Triggered by Alessia. If she wasn't part of the picture, none of it would've happened. She would be happy. And right now she was anything but happy. She couldn't look at herself in the mirror. Disgusted by what she saw.

Mary had gone away for a few days to visit family, leaving Ella alone at her place and for the first time in years. It was just her. She felt lonely, it was so quiet.

She missed Joe. She missed his company, his banter. She missed the comfort she once had in her life. She couldn't keep living with the constant obsession she had developed. The constant worry of saying or doing the wrong thing. She wanted to be Ella again.

She sat on the sofa in Mary's flat, trying to catch up on some tv but she just found her self scrolling aimlessly through social media on her phone.

Not the smartest idea.

Seeing various comments regarding Uniteds transfer window flooding her timeline. The ones that cut deep were the ones about Alessia. 'Snake', 'bitch', 'traitor' and the rest. She found herself muttering in disgust at the comments although, some resonated with her own budding anger towards the striker.

She had left. After everything... Everything that happened, she still left. She never looked back.

In the weeks that had followed her departure, she longed for the strikers attention. Her touch, her warmth in the cold air of Mary's flat. But now, she didn't want to even speak to her. Alessia was a reminder of why her life was now in pieces. In Ella's mind, the blonde should've at least had the decency to stay and help pick up those pieces.

Instead, it's been Mary who has helped her the most. Almost caring for her recently. Making sure she's eaten. Pushing her to pamper herself but now in her absence. Ella deprived herself of the little comfort she had left in her life. Simple things like sweet treats she would usually have, what was the point of having them is she cannot share it with anyone. Allowing the flat's temperature to drop to an uncomfortable cool atmosphere before turning the heating on.

Her fingernails, chipped and cracked. And another rare sight, She had no eyelashes on. Her hair unkept and slightly greasy. She sat in clothes she had worn for a few days, she hadn't left Mary's flat since the goalkeeper departed. What was the point? What was the point in her getting her nails, hair and lashes done? It's not like she had anyone to impress? Joe was gone, Alessia was gone, Mary wasn't around. Millie had her own stuff going on with Rachel.

The midfielder sat there for hours. The TV playing but she stared aimlessly at the wall. Numb.

The day turned to night, the flat was in complete darkness, Ella snapped out of her numb glare when the TV went into standby. The room diving into a complete darkness. The silence was harsh on her ears. She got to her feet, her legs and back clicking and cracking where she had been sat for so long. Her phone lit up on the arm of the sofa. Looking over, she seen the name pop up.

'Alessia Russo❤️' FaceTime

She stared at it for a few seconds before picking her phone up. Her cold mind made her face scowl but her heart skipped seeing the photo on the Caller ID. It was one of them at a concert they had been too.

Ultimately, the intense feeling of resentment won over her mind. She coldly threw her phone on the sofa, turning her back and walking out of the room.

Ella walked through the flat in darkness. Walking into the bathroom, she turned the shower on, undressing before sitting down on the cold floor of the shower. Letting the water fall over her body, turning the temperature down. She just wanted to feel nothing. She pulled her knees up to her chest, hugging them and tucking her head down into them. Eventually, she felt her stomach tremble, small sobs beginning to build in her chest. She cried out, alone in darkness. She felt like the fool and she had nothing left to give.

Once her sobs had dry tears, she stood to her feet sheepishly. Washing her body and hair, stepping out of the shower she dried her body. A very surreal feeling as she couldn't feel any sensation. She had been sat under the cold water for an unknown amount of time. She frowned, cursing her mind for feeling so sorry for herself. 'Pathetic' she muttered to herself.

She looked up into the mirror as she got dressed in clean clothes. She couldn't see much of herself, just a dark silhouette. Even with light, she was sure she still wouldn't see anyone looking back at her.

In her silence, she could hear the faint vibration of her phone in the living room. Sighing, rubbing her face aggressively she stormed out of the bathroom and to the living room. She wasn't in control of her emotion. Whipping her phone off the sofa, she was expecting to see Alessias name but instead. Her heart dropped as she seen the call ring off and multiple missed calls.

'Nan💖'

'Shit!!' Ella's hands shook as panic waved over her. Had something happened? She would never forgive herself if it had.

"Hello?" A familiar and warm voice called through the phone

"Nan! It's Ella!! Are you okay?!" Ella blurted

"Where've you been love? I've been worried"

"Are you okay?" Ella's voice shook with panic

"Yes love, we're alright! We've been worrying about you, I've not heard from you in a couple of days"

"Oh I'm so sorry Nan" Ella's voice broke as she realised that in all of her self pity, she had lost sight of the importance that her family had to her.

"Oh don't get upset love! Where are you?"

"In Mary's" Ella was tearful, trying to keep it together, not wanting to worry her nan.

"Are you on your own?"

"Yeah" Ella whimpered.

"Why don't you stay with Nanna for a couple days love?"

Ella nodded, not being able to speak.

"Ella? Are you still there?"

"Yeah nan! Sorry.." Ella sniffled "Yeah I think I should"

"Come on then, love. I'll get the spare room ready"

"Love you Nan" Ella held a massive lump in her throat.

"Love you too, will you let me know when your leaving to come down?"

"Yeah course. I'll see you in a bit" Ella hung up, not being able to contain her heart break.

How could she have been so selfish. Sat alone with some childish fury over her ex team mate who had no idea of the feelings Ella had.

She quickly packed up the little belongings she had at Mary's flat, rushing down to her car to make the hour long Journey to her Nans. Leaving the goalkeeper a quick text, to inform her that she was staying with her Nan, she wasn't sure how long she would be gone for and whether she would travel to St.George's from there for the World Cup.

She needed to get herself together before Australia. That's one thing she had to do. For her careers sake. She couldn't loose that too.