Psycho | Beatrice

4 | he said it was "okay"

When I awoke on Saturday, I looked over to see Luke in a deep sleep.  He was on his side of the bed and facing the other way.   I sat up while making sure he didn't notice.  Then I crawled out of bed carefully. 

As I stood up, I was debating on what to do.  I stared at him.  Do I wake him up?  Do I pretend like nothing happened last night?  I don't remember the details of what happened, but I know generically. 

I made the decision to leave then, and figure things out later. 

The whole weekend, I would walk in front of a mirror and smile for about an hour.  On Sunday, the bruise really began to form. Luckily it's expected that I'm in my room most of the time. 

On Monday, I decided to wear a turtleneck.   In first hour, the guys basically ignored me.  Chris was pretty quiet, however, which was odd for him.  I didn't turn to talk to anyone.  I just kept quiet.

The next two hours, I anticipated fourth hour. Finally it came. I had all morning to think about how to act. My conclusion was to act like nothing happened and to let him set the stage. And that I did.

I walked to my table of quiet people, which is half empty. I smiled while knowing that Luke had a perfect view of me. I purposefully didn't look over there. Then the chair next to me pulls out. I turn and I see Luke sit there. He must've not come in yet. Immediately my heart begins to race from the unexpected turn of events. We sit in awkward silence amongst the chatter of others while probably mutually wondering who will break first.

The entire hour, neither one of us caves. The only problem was I didn't retain anything the teacher said—as I was too focussed on what wasn't happening.

As the bell rings, Luke zips out of the room. I almost want to ask him "what the hell was that?" in relation to the last hour. I weave my way through the hallway.

As I'm about to enter the cafeteria, I notice Luke and Ethan standing about twenty feet away from me while discussing about something in a notebook. Luke nods and takes the notebook. Then Ethan glances up and makes eye contact with me. I quickly turn to make my way towards the empty table.

I sit down and quickly the table is filled—Raven, Nate, and Luke. As soon as Raven
sits down, the awkward atmosphere changes into a comfortable one.

"How was your party?" Nate asks.

Everyone eyes between Luke and I—even we do. As we make eye contact, Luke let's off a soft smile.

"It was okay." He says looking down.

My heart drops immediately from that. I get self conscious. Did I miss up? What if I'm a horrible kisser? Could he tell he was my first? Did I do something stupid?

"Chris said he didn't see you."  Raven adds looking at me. 

I furrow my eyebrows and I frown.  "We talked.   Maybe he was too drunk."

She shrugs.  "You'll have to join us next week."

I sit in my cold room, my nose deep in a book.  I have bought plenty of books but I actually I need to read some before I buy more.   The only problem is it takes me about ten minutes to read a page.  My mind is still racing with thoughts.  I think about how the silent treatment killed me.  I think about the only thing I heard him say today. I try to think of the emotion I had that night, but I can't.  Instead I think about what I know happened and how that must have felt in the moment. 

"I'm home!"

My eyes shoot off the book and at my door.  My mother is back from a weekend of being away.   She is greeted with no response.  Oh how I hope she doesn't push it. 

"Where have you been?" I hear Devin ask outside my door. 

Fuck.

Then I hear my mom speak outside the door as well.  "I was with some friends, now move."

"Why don't you get divorced already?"  He whines.

My heart breaks at what was said. At the pleading in his voice. At how many times I've heard that.

Mom gasps. "You really won't forgive me, huh? You really think I still do that? Your father trusts me. Why can't you?"

I imagine my brother snaring. I imagine he stares into her eyes and the corner of his lip quivers. Then the door slams.

At dinner, the table is quiet. My dad, to our surprise, is home for the week from his business trip. He knows Devin's views on Mom and that Devin doesn't trust her. Almost any interaction Devin has with Mom is sarcasm.

"How was your first week at school?" Dad asks.

I look at Devin, waiting for him to start. He looks back and assures me to go first. As I'm about to open my mouth, he interrupts.

"She's with the druggies." He mumbles.

Dad shoots him a glare. "Devin..." then he turns to me.

I try to formulate my thoughts. "It was okay."

Devin let's out a chuckle. "Tell them about Luke."

My eyes become wide at how he knew anything about that.

"Why don't you invite this Luke over for dinner sometime?"