Psycho | Beatrice

32 | psychotic breakdown

18 days until graduation

We're at that point in school now where we barely have work left to do. All of it is just getting us excited for college (or uni as they call it here). Luke reexplains to everyone that his plan is to make a band with the three guys he met in inpatient, though he refuses to play for anyone. Apparently he knows guitar too?

At lunch, I stand by my locker alone once again. I stare eagerly at the doors, waiting for Luke to walk out. Finally I see the tall boy walk over to me. He has his sun glasses on and he's wearing his combat boots that make him even taller. Instead of stopping, he grabs my hand and walks me to the door. We walk out the door and down the same path where he went to meet Ethan.

Right as we cross the busy street, he takes out a cigarette and lights it.

"I think you have a problem with cigarettes." I say.

Luke exhales the smoke. "Why don't you try it? Try it and it will make sense."

He holds out the cigarette out in front of me. I take it from his hand nervously.

"I don't even know what to do." I explain.

"Here." He says taking it back. He brings it to my lips. "Suck it like a straw," I do and I'm intrigued by the taste. "Then take a really big deep breath."

He takes the cigarette out of my mouth. I do as im told. I feel the smoke enter my lungs and then I exhale. I feel light headed but also more relaxed.

"You can take the rest of it. I'll just get my own." Luke mumbles while digging through his pocket.

He takes out another one and quickly starts it off. I continue to smoke mine little by little.

"I'm freaking out." He finally let's out. "I'm getting real anxious and I probably will be until we graduate."

I watch him as he paces around.

"What did your therapist say?" I ask.

"That it's just my anxiety."

What stupid advice.

I rub his arm. "Do you really think he'd do it without you?"

He shakes his head. "I don't know. Maybe just stay home that day, would you? I don't know what id do with myself if he went through with it. He might kill me first. He probably would. I don't want to die, Beatrice."

Okay I kind of get what his therapist meant now.

"I'm not staying home and you will live because it won't happen."

Luke looks off down the road. I can tell his mind is going a million miles a minute—or kilometers I guess. He is, for some reason, convinced it will happen. But he also fears the unknown ahead of him.

I pat his chest. "Hey. Luke? Luke." I get his attention. "What's the plan for prom?"

I didn't mean it. I just needed to shift his mind elsewhere. He throws his cigarette on the ground and steps on it.

"You cannot be seriously asking me that right now." He growls. "Beatrice, I'm in the middle of a fucking psychotic break down and you're asking about prom?!"

Luke walks across the street and I follow him, almost running to keep up with his large stride.

"Yeah!" I yell. "I still don't know if we're going or not."

He turns around and yells back. "Of course we're going! Why would we not?! Want to plan our future while we're at it? We can have a bunch of dogs and no kids because you won't even let me have sex with you!"

I cross my arms. "Is that really what this is about? It's not my fault! You've had every opportunity to."

"You said no se-" Luke closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before returning to a low voice. "Bea I really can't do this right now. I need you to go back to school."

My heart breaks at hearing Bea come from his lips.

"Luke, no. I'm not leaving you."

His eyes remain closed, his fists clenched. "I'm trying to communicate my needs with you. Can you please respect that?"

Wow, he's really going straight back to therapy in his mind. If it's bothering him that bad, I probably should. Also, that means he's talked to his therapist about me too.

"Okay." I sigh. "But first I need you to know that I love you."

"I love you too."

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Guys men in Spain are a different level. I love it here.