The Super Kyman Project: Collection of Kyman Stories

14. Kyley-B

Word Count: 1177

Cartman's POV

I've known Kyle all my life. We've gone to skewl together since we were youngins in pre-k. We've been through everything together, hell I've saved his life TWICE! But even after everything we've gone through, there are still some things about him that remain a mystery to me.

Recently, he's been changing. And not in a gay way or an emo way. In a... Jersey way?

At first, it was the little things like when he started casually saying muff cabbage, but it keeps getting worse. In fact, the other day I saw him with HAIR GEL. IN HIS HAIR!!

Stan and Kinny haven't noticed anything, but that's probably cause Stan is a drunk emo asshole and Kenny is poor.

I hate poor people. I believe that behind every war, poor people are the cause. Behind every failed empire, poor people have caused it. If poor people were exterminated, the Roman Empire would still be intact! The mayans predicted the end of the world however the didn't say the cause because they didn't need to. Poor people will be the downfall of the earth the same way they cause their own downfalls.

And while everyone else tells me I'm crazy I know Kyle is on his way down a dark path. A jersey path..

However, I plan to stop him before he ever makes it down that road, perchance.

Phase A1 of my 17 phase plan is currently in motion.

~Monday Morning~

"Oh hey Kyal, what's up!" I skipped over to Kyle jollily.

"Why are you skipping Cartman.. How are you even able to skip? I thought you would just trip over your fat ass" Kyle snickered to himself.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP KYLE YOU DUMB JEW.." I paused realizing I had to carry out my plan, "Ahem, so what are you doing after school heh?" I asked nonchalantly while leaning back on his locker.

"Can you stop leaning on my locker? You're gonna leave a dent again." He ignored my question. He is REALLY testing my patience right nyeow.

"Heh, you'd like that, wouldn't you, you jew."

He stared at me blankly, "Yeah.. I would? I don't wanna have to ask the school to switch lockers AGAIN."

UGH! This is not going according to plan AT ALL! He started to walk away, and I panicked, I gyatta get him to cum over to my house!! 

"KYLE! Uhm Kinny and I are going to be having an..intervention for Stan at my place, after skewl.." I quickly came up with a charming and clever lie.

"For his alcoholism or his weird Spanish thing?" Kyle naively asked.

"Erm... both?" I quickly and intelligently replied.

"Oh okay yeah I'll be there." He said before walking away

I started laughing to myself while tapping my fingers together, "Oh you will be...kyakyakya.. you will be"

~After Skewl~
Kyle's POV

Cartman's been acting weird towards me lately, like not normal cartman weird but... suspiciously weird?

Heh, I don't know know per se. Maybe it's just the demons in my head.

But today I gyatta go to his house for some intervention for Stan, I honestly wasn't expecting Cartman to get involved but I'm kinda glad he is because Stan only talks in spanish when he's drunk and it's really hard to communicate with him since i only took one year of Spanish PER SE!

I knocked on Cartman's door, and it immediately swung open. Erm, why the freak isn't kenny or Stan here?

"Hey.. where's everyone else?"

"Oh, uh, Kenny is bringing Stan over. we're trying to hide this from him, heh.."

"Oh, okay.."

"Take a seat, take a seat... I'm just gonna go grab something for us to drink...perchance, " Cartman said while looking me up and down.

I don't know why, but I gyatt a really bad feeling about this..

I sat down on his couch and started surfing through channels until one caught my eye. Jersey shore?

Heh, why not.

Cartman's POV, perchance

As I was in the kitchen preparing my Jersey repellent, I suddenly heard the most obnoxious sound known to man. The jersey accent.

FUCK!

He's already transforming! No one in their right mind would willingly watch that except.. Except Jersey people.

I have to do this quickly.

I sneakily snuck back into my living room, careful not to make any noise and attacked Kyle.

I tackled him wrestling with him to handcuff him and muzzle him, and due to my buff body, he couldn't push me off!

"Get off me ya ga'baj!" His screams muffled by my fat- I mean totally ripped body.

"THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD KAHL!" I yelled as I wrestled him until he finally gave up.

I sprayed him with the Jersey repellent quickly and started scraping the layers of hair gel out of his hair but all of a sudden he released his inner jersey strength and broke free from my strong grasp.

He then ran out of my house and before I was able to catch him he was gone.

Shit!

Kyley-B's POV

I can't believe that fat FUCK tried to tie me down. Heh, you can't tie down Kyley-B K-KYA!

I was walking back home when suddenly my eyes were viscously attacked by someone's outfit!

"Ayo you know you look like muff cabbage right?" I informed them

"What? What does that even mean" the ugly bitch asked, fucking dumbass.

"Ya look like and inbred toad, just bein honest! It's a jersey thing"

"Well, your face is covered with pimples and your hair is greasy" She attacked me verbally!

"MY HAIR ISNT GREASY YOU FAT BITCH ITS CALLED HAIR GEL!" I screamed letting the demons out.

Cartman's POV

As I was searching for Kyal I heard a scream, did someone just say... muff cabbage?

Oh my gyatt!!

HE'S NOT FAR YET!

I ran as fast as I could to the sound I heard (.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 Kilometers per hour) (heh jk .00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 MILES per hour) (WHAT THE FUCK IS A KILOMETER CAW CAW!!! MERICA!! FUCK FRANCE!!!) And eventually saw exactly what I feared.

KYAL HAS GONE FULL JERSEY!!!

I rushed in to stop him and pulled out the only defense I could think of.

"K-KYLE! This isn't you 🥺 look into my orbs and just take a deep breath..."

"G-go away fatass!"

"Kyle please, I'm scared 🥺" I said cutely looking deep into his asparagus orbs.

He finally looked back at me and then KISSED ME?? WHAT THE GYATT!!!

As he kissed me his hair started degelling and his clothes began de-jerseying! Oh my gyatt!

I kissed him back with passion!

When we finally pulled away he was back to the Jew that I know...

"W..wow Cartman, you.. you saved lil ol' me? 🥺" Kyle looked up at me.

"Shh my little Jersey jew... You're safe now.." I said before kissing his jersey lips again!

Kya! The end!

This chapter sucks.