The Super Kyman Project: Collection of Kyman Stories

11. The Vents of My Heart

It was a cold autumn morning at Greendale. The crisp fall leaves littered the streets as they cascaded down from their prospective trees. Dean of Greendale and widow of Jeff Winger, Craig Pelton, watched from his window. He had met Jeffrey during Jeff's freshman year of college and instantly fell for the blue-orbed ex-lawyer. However, it took seven years for him to summon the courage to confess, something he'd later regret

Just three months after Jeffrey and Craig married, Jeff was killed by a City College assassin, leaving Craig and Greendale Community College devastated.

That was three weeks ago. Now Craig is sitting at his desk feeling sorry for himself when he hears a knock on the door, "It's open!" He yells. Annie Edison, former student now nurse, enters, "Is that whiskey?" She asks, pointing at his glass. "Yeah... Whiskey is the only thing that fulfills my dark soul... I'm a shell of the Dean I used to be.." He grumbles, Annie scoffs, "So that's it? You're just gonna give up on yourself? This school needs a dean! This school needs YOU. Jeff wouldn't want this. " Craig sat up in his chair, "Don't you bring Jeffrey into this? You didn't know him or what he would've wanted! You don't even know what you want." Annie looked at him solemnly for a moment before exiting. He started singing quietly, "Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey, the more I get of you, stranger it feels, Now that your rose is in bloom, A light hits the gloom on the gray..."

Hours passed, and Craig was still in his office cuddling with his custom-made Jeff doll. He reached to pour himself another glass of whiskey when he heard a loud metal bang coming from the hallway.

He got up cautiously and walked into the hallway. It was dark and blurry, and the smell of the fried chicken from lunch flooded his senses. He heard the sound again and whipped his head around to find the source, but he couldn't see anything. He had left his glasses in his office. He flailed his arms around, looking for something to grab onto but ran into the wall and fell on his ass.

As he lifted himself, he heard laughing coming from the wall, that's w(en he saw the vent. "Who's there!" It went silent, Craig went up to the vent and took it off, revealing Ben Chang.

"Chang! What the hell are you doing in the vents?" Dean screamed, Chang was silent for a moment, "I'm living in the vents with a monkey called Annie's Boobs" Craig was silent for a moment before responding, "You can crash on my couch..if you'd like" He offered and Chang reluctantly emerged from the vents holding his toothbrush and dildo,"Is that from Dildopolis?" Craig asked, and Chang nodded violently, "Oh.. I didn't know they've been restocked.."

They arrived at Craig's house after a mostly silent car ride other than the girthy discussion about dildos and an awkward comment from Chang joking about a car crash.

Craig sighed and went to grab a glass of water after pointing Chang to the guest room. He saw a picture of Jeff on the mantle and immediately whipped it out and tickled his pickle, strangling it to the point it turned purple. He was interrupted by a sound coming from his bedroom.

He sneaked towards his bedroom and opened it to see Chang naked and dancing on his bed.

Craig stood there in shock before yelling, "What the hell are you doing?"

Chang looked over and fell off the bed, letting out a scream as fat and loud as Cartman. Craig rushed over and bent down to aid Chang.

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Craig was rushing to get Chang to the hospital in the car. "Just hold on. We're almost there.." Craig turned to tell Chang, who was writhing and naked, in the back.

When he turned back to look at the road, he saw the back of a car 2 feet from him and, unable to stop in time, he swerved, crashing into the car next to him.